Tuesday, December 30, 2014

If Dinosaurs Came Back...

If dinosaurs came back, they would have a lot of catching up to do. They might start by reading useful magazines, such as "Modern Mechanix."
Rex: "So, listen up. We get one of these newfangled 'airship' things, we cruise some chicks, and we go to the drive-in movie theatre. Plus, it looks like we can all get lucrative jobs as radio engineers."

Summary for Dinosaurs if They Come Back
1) Abraham Lincoln=A good guy.
2) The Invention of Electricity=Wires. Zip-zap.
3) World War II=We won.
4) Interstate highway system=Tar.
5) Red Sox finally won the World Series=A game.
6) Go buy anything with a little "i" in front of it.

If Dinosaurs Were Around Today
1) All the guys who play them in the movies would need to retire.
2) Toho Studios would glumly begin to make driver training films.
3) People would have jobs scooping dinosaur poop with steamshovels. They would have fancy titles like “Prehistoric Waste Engineer."
4) The term “fossil fuels” would make dinosaurs teary and contemplative.
5) I would be dinosaur toe jam.
6) Dinosaur PMS? I'd move to the moon, if I were you.

What The Dinosaurs Missed
1) Car hops.
2) Black and white TVs with small children serving as the "remote controls."
3) Cancerous red dye in cherries.
4) Smoking in movie theaters, doctor’s offices, nursery schools, churches, anywhere.
5) LPs and EPs and Eight-Tracks, oh my.
6) Ernest Borgnine and Shelley Winters in "The Poseidon Adventure."