Why Dinosaurs Are Really Extinct: Prequel to a Series

National Geographic tells us: "Scientists tend to huddle around one of two hypotheses that may explain the Cretaceous extinction: an extraterrestrial impact, such as an asteroid or comet, or a massive bout of volcanism." Two key takeaways:
1) This sounds like the scientists are little cavemen, rubbing two hypotheses together and trying to start a fact!
2) If scientists are just huddling around two hypotheses, then they lack imagination.
Me? I have many more hypotheses re: why dinosaurs are extinct. (Ed. Note: The following photos may upset dinosaurs if they are not, in fact, extinct. My apologies to any such dinosaurs who, I hypothesize, would be very large and angry and "go all Jurassic Park" on me.)

Why Dinosaurs Are Really Extinct, Part 1: Dinovalanche!!!

Rex: "Like I said, I only bring the transceiver if I think there's gonna be an avalanche. I didn't think there was gonna be an avalanche, so I didn't bring the transceiver. HEY! Who's kicking me? Quit it!"

Why Dinosaurs Are Really Extinct, Part 2: Killer Icicles

Archie: "So I go, 'Knock those icicles down. It'll take 5 seconds.' And Rex goes, 'They'll melt soon.'"

The Rosicrucians: Extinct...or ARE they?!

I bet strange things DO happen here, on top of this fine gentleman's head. I mean, there Mr. Eyebrows' disembodied melon is, sailing through time and space, gliding in and out of black holes. It makes sense that strange things are happening...

1) This ad is from a 1943 Popular Mechanics. So: The Rosicrucians: Extinct...or ARE they?

2) RIGHT! NOT extinct. And, I need you to go visit San Jose and scope them out for me because they have an intriguing Egyptian Museum and Planetarium, a boss-looking Research Library in an Egyptian-looking building, and a Council of Solace (which must have distress-fighting superheros).

3) I'd check it out for ya, but I don't want my head to turn out like Mr. Eyebrows. Not that it would. Just sayin'.

Extinct Occupation...Or IS it?

This week, I read the following paragraph in my book: "The Avenant Building is on Olive near Sixth and has a black-and-white rubber sidewalk out in front. The elevator girls wear gray silk Russian blouses and the kind of flop-over berets artists used to wear to keep the paint out of their hair. The Doreme Cosmetic Company..." Well, never mind about the Doreme Cosmetic Company.

The point is: Elevator girls! Elevator boys! Elevator men and women! My immediate gut reaction: Operating an elevator is no longer a lucrative career and is, in fact, an Extinct Occupation! Here is the smiley and pleasant looking Johada Estrada, member of Local 14 (photo courtesy of the Walter P. Reuther Library). She must have been the last of her kind, right? So long, Johada, so long...WAIT JUST A HOT, COTTON-PICKIN' MINUTE!!!

 

Extinct Product?

Mary and Peggy here are not advertising nylon stockings, lipstick, deodorant, powder, menthol cigarettes, hair curlers, "foundation garments," mouthwash, toothpaste, "skin food" (aka cold cream aka moisturizer), shoes, or lunchmeat. Mary and Peggy are advertising CARBON PAPER.

 

When I first found this ad in one of my Popular Mechanics, it almost made me weep. I mean: Carbon paper?! "Plenty," I said to myself I said, "THERE'S a dinosaur product if ever there was one. It's GOT to be extinct!" Suddenly, for the first time in a very long time, I wanted carbon paper. I wanted carbon paper deeply and acutely. Maybe I wanted it even more because I was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to buy any? Well, I was wrong. Carbon paper is still being manufactured--albeit in a small way--and on store shelves. Here is more than you want and need to know:

1) One lil' company in Canada still manufactures carbon paper.

2) One company in the UK makes carbon paper.

3) A couple of small companies in the U.S. make carbon paper, but "Swintec" is the only one I can find info about (they sell it to prisons in 44 states).

4) Kevin Laurence can tell you all about the history of carbon paper!

5) This is how carbon paper is made!

Who USES carbon paper? Apparently cops, prisoners, artists, carbon paper fanciers, tattoo artists, and "Tree Guy" on the Staples website, who says: "Carbon paper is an anachronism to many, but I still use it to make copies of my proposals that I provide clients when meeting with them about tree work. One piece of carbon paper will last me for as many as 40-50 proposals! Pretty good, when one piece only costs 15 cents!" I agree, "Tree Guy"! That's pretty good.

Who ELSE uses carbon paper? Yep: Me. I'm a-gonna go out to Staples and buy me a fat old ream of it tomorrow. Then I'm going to smell it (yeah--I don't know why I want to smell it, either, but I do--it must have some smell that I've forgotten...I imagine I'll end up with a black nose). Then I'll find some use for it. There might be some carbon paper experimentation on the horizon. If you need a piece, just let me know. I'll be glad to sell you a piece for a buck (overhead...cost of living...finder's fee...).

Survive Anything!

Gustavo: "Where's the stuff about extinction? NO! I don't want to read about hurricanes again. E-x-t-i-n-c-t-i-o-n. What do we need to do to survive it? C'mon. Check the table of contents!"

Eight Track Tapes & Recorders: Extinct! Or...Are They?!

Hey, bud! Yeah...I mean you. Which other bud do you think I'm talking to? So: Here's the question. Eight track tape recorders & tapes: They're extinct, right? Or ARE they? (Yeah. I did say "ARE they?" in a highly provocative fashion. I agree. It's the italics that make it feel extra much that way, too.) Wait? What's that you're asking? I can't hear your squeaky little human voice. Oh. Why am I up in this tree? I'm always up in this tree. You just never look up, bud! You're all distracted and staring down at your humptyhumpty iphone and ipod and ipad and iga and ipa and whatnot. Okay: So...what's your answer? Eight tracks? Time's a-tickin'.

Okay, so sue me. I don't have a real clear answer for you, bud. Here's what I know. Eight track tape players are not being manufactured anymore, as far as I can tell, 'though many old ones roam the earth.

A bud named Big Bucks Burnett has an Eight Track Museum in Texas and it looks like he's got another Eight Track Museum in  Roxbury, NY, too! Big Bucks says: "There are only two choices. A world with an Eight Track Museum, and a world without. I choose with." Rock on, Big Bucks! I choose a world with an Eight Track Museum, too, man!

There is a frickin' great website called "Welcome to 8-Track Heaven" and from that website it appears that 8-track tapes ARE STILL BEING MADE. Aw, bud. I'm sorry about the shoutiness. I'm big, I'm orange, I'm highly excitable. What can I say.

Every dang link I click on in 8-Track Heaven leads to a gray nothingness. Does that mean that while 8-track tapes are not extinct, 8-track heaven IS extinct? Naw, naw: Here's the old archived version of the website and it is MAGNIFICENT, man. Go on and check it out. It is so rich in 8-track lore.

And Dino Casserole salutes the memory of an 8-Track Goddess. Here's to Abigail Lavine (aka "Our Lady of the 8-tracks"). Never knew her, but she sounds just great and she'll never be extinct as long as she is remembered and saluted. Here's to you, Abigail Lavine!

So, in the interests of more remembering and saluting: Here's a photo of an 8-track player, courtesy of the knowledgeable 'n amusing Super 8 Man. Super 8 Man says this model came in "Explosion Yellow," "Bomb Blue," and "Detonator Red." YOW!