Don't Fear the Reaper...Fear Angry Snowplow Guy!

Indiana Clinky Jones and...The Giant Non Sequitur-Eating Babies of Mainland China

He was enjoying himself at a restaurant, when suddenly...
Clinky: "What th'?! My head has been captured by the giant, Non Sequitur-Eating Babies of Mainland China! Where are you taking me, Giant Baby?"
Giant Baby (giggles, drops Clinky's head, reaches out for bird): "Birdy!"
Clinky: "Giant Baby! Aiiieee! I'm falling! Falling! Wayward sawhorse! Monkey jockey! Bedroom slippers! Topeka!"

Note: No Clinkys, fish, birds, or Giant Non Sequitur-Eating Babies from Mainland China were injured in the making of this photo.

I Need A Sidekick because I AM A Sidekick

"Okay, as you might recall, I am Bertie. For several weeks, a state of extreme dramatic tension has been building (yes, that's the vague sense of uneasiness you have been experiencing--it's not just anomie, nameless dread, or indigestion this time)."

"I've gotta pull off some kind of a great escape caper that will free my buddies from the unknown men of sophisticated peril."
"So, I have spent every waking hour...hey! What are you doing? I had to eat!"
"Anyway, I have spent every single breath, every ounce of my strength...hey! Quit that! I'm telling you, I was worn down from all my plotting...I was hungry!"
"And thirsty! I was very thirsty, and you know, after you eat the Chinese food you need ice cream because that food is so light and why not a root beer float to rehydrate and stay strong and hey! Have you been following me?"
"Every other second that I have NOT been COMPELLED to devote to refueling my weak little body so I can prepare to single-handedly swoop down and rescue my comrades, I have devoted to...HEY! How'd you know about her? I swear she's just a friend of a friend. A big ol' friendly cowgirl who I bounce my rescue plans off of from time to time. No! That's not her phone number on there...Sheesh!"
"So, other than the big old friendly cowgirl, I am alone in this world, and..."
"HEY! How'd you find out about Jeanette, Genevieve, Lola, Mimi, Coco, Sylvie, Mehitabel, and Daisy?"
"WTF? You're all-seeing and all-knowing? You could have WARNED me, you know, plus you are one scary bright red lady. * That can't be good for your blood pressure. Is that a vein pulsing in your forehead?"
"Oh, I see...it's all MY fault that the story of the plot isn't moving along--it's just because I get hungry and thirsty and need to spend a little time with close, personal friends? It's not your fault a little, teensy bit?"
"Okay, okay, OKAY giant forehead martian lady."
"But, look. I'm a sidekick, not a leading man. I'm not Bruce Willis. I'm the nebbishy little wisecracking guy. Nervous joke-cracking is my weapon of choice, next to a can of GladeTM air freshener. I mean, in a tight spot I WILL come through, but I need a gang, a posse, or at least ONE sidekick to help me out. Yeah, that's right. I need a sidekick because I AM a sidekick. "
"Yeah, exactly like that. See? During the Ordeal of the Ugly Cakelike Easter Hats, you had a sidekick to help you out. Get me Super-Pouty Girl in the yellow coat here! Just get me some BACK-UP for crying out loud. If I'm goin' in, I need some back-up. Wise up! Okay, you're "on it." That's nifty. We'll see what happens. My dream list of sidekicks--live or dead--includes Andre the Giant, maybe Oddjob from James Bond 'cause of the helpful hat and if we can sway him from his wicked ways, Peter Boyle from Young Frankenstein, Gig Young for no particularly good reason, Sideshow Bob if he's stable, Mr. Spock, Rosalind Russell..I dunno, my mind is blank. Any other ideas? Anybody want a root beer float to help you think? "

*Scary red Sparkle is courtesy of ClinkyTM. Giant scary cowgirl card belongs to Sparkle. Vaudeville poster found on ebay. Photos of restaurants found on the Web. Dinosaur photos by Sparkle, aka giant forehead martian lady.

Breaking the Fourth Wall and Old Ad Thursday!

"Shhhhh! Don't tell! We're still in extreme, edge-of-your-seat danger. We're just briefly sidling through the fourth wall (if they leave that big hole in it, why not) to heartily thank The Queens and King of Prehistoric Hilarity (and Elegant Voles) Her Royal Cakiness, Ace Reporter Lois Lane, and the Boy King of All Robots for their outstanding dinosaur hijinks. Rock on, we say, ROCK ON! Psst! Do we have time to run and grab a latte and small vertebrate animal before we head back into dire peril? Eh, just ignore us and check out these prehistoric ads."

If you look closely, you will note that these dames are on their union-authorized "make-up break."

Hey, kids! Don't swoon! It's "model couple" Don and Eloise Phillips from glamorous Great Neck, New York! They are a "model couple" because they are both models. Neat, huh? Okay, shhhhhh let's sneak up and see if we can hear what they're saying!
Don: "Ah, isn't this romantic, Eloise? Just a quiet evening at home, me making a stalker collage of your photos...you shredding your rival's photo into confetti. Isn't it good to be a model couple? Let us smile together!"
Eloise: "Get out of my light, Don."
Don: "Eloise! Look! I have a new bathrobe! You can tell because I have my hand on my hip in that adorable "new bathrobe modeling" way that I have. Let us smile together!"
Eloise: Get out of my light, Don."


You know what bugs me about this ad? It's the little arrows that point to the prunes. They thought I would MISS the picture of the prunes. I get it, I get it, already.

More Trouble Ahead

"Look, babe, I've SEEN the boys' situation, and it ain't lookin' good. I'm just a small plastic dinosaur with a bitchin' pimped out ride, some very cheap wine, and substantial personal magnetism. I'm a lover, not a fighter. How the heck am I supposed to rescue them? Auuuuugh. Stop drilling me with that laser beam of sorrowful righteousness, I'm a Druid...I don't believe in your stuff. OH, CRAP. Okay, okay, okay. I'll try. I'm just saying it ain't good." sound of burning rubber
Rex: "I'm sure this is just a mistake of some sort. Say, fellows! Where do you hail from?"
'Saurs: "SHUT UP, REX!"
Algernon: "Fortunately, Victor has a break-away tail. But, overall I'm thinking this ain't lookin' good. Hey. Who cut the cheese?"