Aunt: "So, Rita Mae was wondering why your sister's card says "Happy Zolo!"
Sparkle: "Tell Auntie Rita that it says 'Happy 2010!'"
Aunt: "That's what I told her, but she doesn't believe me."
Sparkle: "Did she think it was some weird new city folk holiday?"
Aunt: "Probably. With Rita Mae, you never know."
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Musings
1) If you wave at a driver who is waving at you, you should also give the person in the passenger seat a personalized wave. You do this by waving at the driver with a broad, expansive gesture. Then you cramp up your arm a little, look at the passenger, and provide a passenger-specific wave. (Note to Self: It is possible that you think about waving too much.)
2) There is nothing better than when an elderly woman shows you a picture of herself wearing children's-sized underwear. What can you say but, "Boy, you've got great legs!" And the thing is: She does have great legs.
3) When you find yourself sitting opposite a person who is very deaf, in a noisy room, trying to discuss "Black Friday," it is best to just nod, smile, and/or furrow your brow (as appropriate) rather than using actual words. You can also wink and roll your eyes. Just no words.
4) Sometimes it is best not to ask the person who used to take his pet bird with him to bars about the bird. Yes, it is a juicy topic that is of interest to you. But, it might turn out that the bird hated him and tried to kill him at every available opportunity. He might not want to relive that.
5) If you bake cinnamon on a tray in the oven, you can remove skunk odor from your house. It really works.
Enough Musings. Pictures.
Beauty Berry Bush...Goin' Strong, By Cracky!
Official Plenty Family "Dellarobbia Wreath" from when I was a kid. This year, I added the plastic tomatoes because I couldn't find any plastic fruit that I liked...the plastic tomatoes are pretty cool for plastic tomatoes--they have fuzzy leaves. I loved this wreath when I was little, thought it was pretty kooky when I was older, know it's kooky now but it deserves to hang because it is, the Official Plenty Family "Dellarobbia Wreath."
Prints in Snow! (Color highlights contributed by my still-dying camera!)
Drippy Lights! (Intentional...not the result of my still-dying camera)
2) There is nothing better than when an elderly woman shows you a picture of herself wearing children's-sized underwear. What can you say but, "Boy, you've got great legs!" And the thing is: She does have great legs.
3) When you find yourself sitting opposite a person who is very deaf, in a noisy room, trying to discuss "Black Friday," it is best to just nod, smile, and/or furrow your brow (as appropriate) rather than using actual words. You can also wink and roll your eyes. Just no words.
4) Sometimes it is best not to ask the person who used to take his pet bird with him to bars about the bird. Yes, it is a juicy topic that is of interest to you. But, it might turn out that the bird hated him and tried to kill him at every available opportunity. He might not want to relive that.
5) If you bake cinnamon on a tray in the oven, you can remove skunk odor from your house. It really works.
Enough Musings. Pictures.
Beauty Berry Bush...Goin' Strong, By Cracky!
Official Plenty Family "Dellarobbia Wreath" from when I was a kid. This year, I added the plastic tomatoes because I couldn't find any plastic fruit that I liked...the plastic tomatoes are pretty cool for plastic tomatoes--they have fuzzy leaves. I loved this wreath when I was little, thought it was pretty kooky when I was older, know it's kooky now but it deserves to hang because it is, the Official Plenty Family "Dellarobbia Wreath."
Prints in Snow! (Color highlights contributed by my still-dying camera!)
Drippy Lights! (Intentional...not the result of my still-dying camera)
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Christmas Carols: WTF?
Let's just face it: The Santa picture above will stay up 'til April and become increasingly pitiful. Ah, well. Enjoy it now...in its prime.
So. Christmas Carols: WTF? Here are a few facts about Christmas carols and me.
(1) I know the words of a few of them. Like, the one that has "Batman smells" in it and the one that goes ding-a-ling, hear them ring.
(2) Has anyone caroled at your house recently? Is it still done? I'm feeling like the only people who sing 'em these days are Carol Sharks--people who practice the words and are harmony ninjas...school choruses and the like.
(3) I will mumble and fake-sing Christmas carols if I do not know the words.
(4) I do not think there has ever been a Christmas-themed professional wrestler, has there? Okay, yes. This is off the topic of Christmas carols. But please apprise me if there has been a Christmas-themed professional wrestler. Hector Grinchinator? Anybody? Anybody? Bueller? Anybody?
Well, that went quickly. Let's move on. Did you know that there is a Christmas carol for every occasion? Here. Let me demonstrate:
1) A Dread Hath Come Upon Me
That's every Monday morning, right? Project deadlines? Tax season? It's the Christmas carol that keeps on giving dread year-round.
2) A Voice from the Desert Comes Awful and Shrill
I have no idea what this one is about, but all I'm thinking of is this:
3) At the Beginning of the Meat
Sure...
4) Where Is That Goodly Fragrance Flowing?
Almost always from the FebrezeTM bottle
5) The Kiges Baner on Felde is Playd
Okay, you can go ahead and call it a "Middle Englishe Carole." I'm calling it a freakin' text message.
6) Lacking Samite and Sable
Sounds like a craigslist ad to me, followed by ...Will trade Mimite and Mink for same.
7)
There should definitely be a Christmas carol random generator, don'tcha think? Here are the top words that you can combine to make your own Christmas carol. I advise adding a question mark, 'cause many carols are basically rhetorical questions.
MAKE YOUR OWN CAROL BY COMBINING THESE ITEMS! (Did another blogger do this? A dread hath come upon me that someone did.)
1) ?
2) Hark
3) Bells
4) Baby
5) Dread
6) Jolly
7) Snow
8) O'er
9) Merrye
10) O
11) Hail
12) Joyous
13) Upon
14) Virgin
15) Sweet
16) Shepherds
17) Santa
18) Christmas
19) Ring
20) Doth
21) Yon
22) My
23) Silver
24) Holy
25) !
Hark Dread Baby Bells, O My Joyous Shepherds!
So. Christmas Carols: WTF? Here are a few facts about Christmas carols and me.
(1) I know the words of a few of them. Like, the one that has "Batman smells" in it and the one that goes ding-a-ling, hear them ring.
(2) Has anyone caroled at your house recently? Is it still done? I'm feeling like the only people who sing 'em these days are Carol Sharks--people who practice the words and are harmony ninjas...school choruses and the like.
(3) I will mumble and fake-sing Christmas carols if I do not know the words.
(4) I do not think there has ever been a Christmas-themed professional wrestler, has there? Okay, yes. This is off the topic of Christmas carols. But please apprise me if there has been a Christmas-themed professional wrestler. Hector Grinchinator? Anybody? Anybody? Bueller? Anybody?
Well, that went quickly. Let's move on. Did you know that there is a Christmas carol for every occasion? Here. Let me demonstrate:
1) A Dread Hath Come Upon Me
That's every Monday morning, right? Project deadlines? Tax season? It's the Christmas carol that keeps on giving dread year-round.
2) A Voice from the Desert Comes Awful and Shrill
I have no idea what this one is about, but all I'm thinking of is this:
3) At the Beginning of the Meat
Sure...
4) Where Is That Goodly Fragrance Flowing?
Almost always from the FebrezeTM bottle
5) The Kiges Baner on Felde is Playd
Okay, you can go ahead and call it a "Middle Englishe Carole." I'm calling it a freakin' text message.
6) Lacking Samite and Sable
Sounds like a craigslist ad to me, followed by ...Will trade Mimite and Mink for same.
7)
There should definitely be a Christmas carol random generator, don'tcha think? Here are the top words that you can combine to make your own Christmas carol. I advise adding a question mark, 'cause many carols are basically rhetorical questions.
MAKE YOUR OWN CAROL BY COMBINING THESE ITEMS! (Did another blogger do this? A dread hath come upon me that someone did.)
1) ?
2) Hark
3) Bells
4) Baby
5) Dread
6) Jolly
7) Snow
8) O'er
9) Merrye
10) O
11) Hail
12) Joyous
13) Upon
14) Virgin
15) Sweet
16) Shepherds
17) Santa
18) Christmas
19) Ring
20) Doth
21) Yon
22) My
23) Silver
24) Holy
25) !
Hark Dread Baby Bells, O My Joyous Shepherds!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
The Thrilling, Continuing-to-Grow Blog Post!
PART I: ELF CASINOS, with Special Guest Stars ArtSparker, Lois Lane, Mickey and Jessica Dubrow, EGE, and Cake
PART II: Christmas Carols: WTF?
PART III: Holiday Decoration Photos (no pimentos involved)
PART I: I believe that the Elves should be able to build their own casinos at the North Pole.
Top 15 Thoughts About An Elf Casino
1) Strong toy theme, although Jack-in-The-Pot toilets prove to be ill-advised and are removed.
2) Two words: Cookie Buffet.
3) Elfin Magic means it might be best to try your luck at the Leprechaun Casino down the road.
4) Are the cocktail waitresses' pointy ears hot or creepy? You can't figure it out.
5) Santa is goin' down in flames at the Roulette Wheel and the Elves are lovin' it. Not so jolly now, huh fat man?
6) No reindeer allowed. All reindeer will be escorted off the premises. Any reindeer found angrily pooping on the premises will be subject to full prosecution.
7) In an attempt at a hostile takeover, the Elf Casino is attacked by axe-wielding dwarves, led by a strung-out Joe Pesci.
8) The Elves fight back, and suddenly Peter Jackson and Martin Scorsese are collaborating on the movie version.
9) FROM ARTSPARKER: Elves are not entirely trustworthy - see under: Tam Lin. (Note: Tam Lin appears to be some sort of elfin Baby Daddy.)
10) FROM LOIS LANE: Lucky Charms must be kept concealed at all times. We don't care if they are magically delicious.
11) FROM LOIS LANE: Oh, wait. Leprechauns have Lucky Charms, not elves. Never mind. I've been in the egg nog. My bad. *hic*
12) FROM LOIS LANE: No Leprechauns allowed in casino.
13) FROM MICKEY: Overheard at the craps table: "Come on! Baby needs new pointy shoes." Also, perfect opportunity for the comeback of Elfish Presley.
14) FROM JESSICA: Elf Casino would give whole new meaning to "mini-bar."
15) FROM EGE: Casinos ought to be allowed in Iceland, too. (Note: Dear Iceland, Vote "Yes" on Question 1--Elf Casino. Ignore the naysayers who say it will create too much traffic and noise. C'mon! You're ICELAND. You could use a little more traffic and noise. Admit it.)
16) FROM CAKE: I wanna drink my heavily spiked eggnog while losing at cards, dammit! (Note: At Elf Casinos, Cake will be allowed to drink her heavily spiked eggnog while losing at cards. Dammit. Unfortunately, she will then be escorted to the sidewalk by the orc bouncers after she tries to surreptitiously take photographs of Elfish Presley with her phone. Of course, she'll charm her way back in. Why orc bouncers? Elves do not have sufficient upper body strength to be good bouncers.)
PART II: Christmas Carols: WTF?
PART III: Holiday Decoration Photos (no pimentos involved)
PART I: I believe that the Elves should be able to build their own casinos at the North Pole.
Top 15 Thoughts About An Elf Casino
1) Strong toy theme, although Jack-in-The-Pot toilets prove to be ill-advised and are removed.
2) Two words: Cookie Buffet.
3) Elfin Magic means it might be best to try your luck at the Leprechaun Casino down the road.
4) Are the cocktail waitresses' pointy ears hot or creepy? You can't figure it out.
5) Santa is goin' down in flames at the Roulette Wheel and the Elves are lovin' it. Not so jolly now, huh fat man?
6) No reindeer allowed. All reindeer will be escorted off the premises. Any reindeer found angrily pooping on the premises will be subject to full prosecution.
7) In an attempt at a hostile takeover, the Elf Casino is attacked by axe-wielding dwarves, led by a strung-out Joe Pesci.
8) The Elves fight back, and suddenly Peter Jackson and Martin Scorsese are collaborating on the movie version.
9) FROM ARTSPARKER: Elves are not entirely trustworthy - see under: Tam Lin. (Note: Tam Lin appears to be some sort of elfin Baby Daddy.)
10) FROM LOIS LANE: Lucky Charms must be kept concealed at all times. We don't care if they are magically delicious.
11) FROM LOIS LANE: Oh, wait. Leprechauns have Lucky Charms, not elves. Never mind. I've been in the egg nog. My bad. *hic*
12) FROM LOIS LANE: No Leprechauns allowed in casino.
13) FROM MICKEY: Overheard at the craps table: "Come on! Baby needs new pointy shoes." Also, perfect opportunity for the comeback of Elfish Presley.
14) FROM JESSICA: Elf Casino would give whole new meaning to "mini-bar."
15) FROM EGE: Casinos ought to be allowed in Iceland, too. (Note: Dear Iceland, Vote "Yes" on Question 1--Elf Casino. Ignore the naysayers who say it will create too much traffic and noise. C'mon! You're ICELAND. You could use a little more traffic and noise. Admit it.)
16) FROM CAKE: I wanna drink my heavily spiked eggnog while losing at cards, dammit! (Note: At Elf Casinos, Cake will be allowed to drink her heavily spiked eggnog while losing at cards. Dammit. Unfortunately, she will then be escorted to the sidewalk by the orc bouncers after she tries to surreptitiously take photographs of Elfish Presley with her phone. Of course, she'll charm her way back in. Why orc bouncers? Elves do not have sufficient upper body strength to be good bouncers.)
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Dear Person Who Was Looking for the Recipe
Dear Person Who Was Looking for the Recipe,
Hi there! From a swift perusal of "StatCounter," I see that you visited Dinosaur Casserole looking for a recipe for "Wonders of the Sea." At this time, I would like to apologize for NOT having this recipe when you washed up on this shore in error.
To make amends, here is the recipe for "Wonders of the Sea" from www.cooks.com. Enjoy! I am hoping that you will mold the "Wonders of the Sea" into a decorative fish shape, as they recommend. Or, better still, a sea serpent. Could you please make a Wonders of the Sea casserole in the shape of a sea serpent, take a picture, and let me see it? That would be simply smashing.
Okay! Ready? You will need A LOT of Saltines, so you'll probably have to pop by the supermarket first to get those and, oh, a few other odds and ends. For example, do you have pimentos on hand? I don't. I'm not sure I recommend that you buy those for this, either, because you KNOW they'll sit in your fridge 'til 2012.
WONDERS OF THE SEA CASSEROLE
1/4 lb. saltine crackers (or more) crumbled & moistened with water
To this add and mix well:
1 tsp. tarragon
1/2 tsp. curry powder
2 tsp. grey poupon mustard
3/4-1 c. mayonnaise (WOW that's a lot, huh?)
9-10 oz. can tuna, flaked up (Optional. Sparkle Sez: That's good because I don't know what "flaked up" means, unless do you think it means "teasing" the tuna with a fork?)
1 can white crabmeat
1 can minced clams
1-2 pkg. frozen sm. shrimp, thawed & rinsed
Juice of 1/2 lemon
1 med. onion
Chopped 1 med. green pepper
Chopped 1-2 ribs celery
Chopped 2 tbsp. celery leaves
1/2 c. salad olives (green stuffed with pimento, broken)
1 pimento, chopped (Sparkle Sez: DON'T DO IT! DO NOT BUY THAT CAN OF PIMENTOS! STAY STRONG.)
1 c. sherry (or white wine)
12-14 fresh mushrooms, sliced
1-1 1/2 tsp. Tabasco sauce
2-3 dashes Worcestershire sauce
1/2 c. black (ripe) olives
Sliced 4-5 water chestnuts, chopped (Sparkle Sez: ADD MORE OF THESE--THEY'RE GOOD)
2 lg. brown eggs, beaten to light & frothy
Paprika
Peanut oil
Crumble crackers, sprinkle with water. Add parsley, tarragon and curry powder, mustard and mayonnaise; mix well. Mix seafoods and sprinkle with lemon juice. Add to cracker mixture. Add chopped onion, green pepper, celery, pimento stuffed green olives, black olives, water chestnuts, celery leaves, Tabasco sauce, mushrooms, Worcestershire sauce, pimentos and the sherry. Work this all together well and add the 2 eggs, beaten until light and fluffy. Mix well.
Scallops (bay or deep sea) are a nice addition when in season.
Oil well a big casserole with peanut oil, and fill with the mixture. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. Sprinkle with paprika and bake 30 minutes more at 300 degrees. Garnish with sprigs of parsley and lemon wedges.
Note: For a buffet, this can be molded in the shape of a fish, with black olive eyes, lemon slices for fins, etc. (Sparkle sez: NO! PLEASE MAKE IT IN A SEA SERPENT SHAPE INSTEAD? PLEAAAAASE?) Also nice for a pot luck. This one's truly worth the effort! (Sparkle sez: It better be.)
Love,
Sparkle
Hi there! From a swift perusal of "StatCounter," I see that you visited Dinosaur Casserole looking for a recipe for "Wonders of the Sea." At this time, I would like to apologize for NOT having this recipe when you washed up on this shore in error.
To make amends, here is the recipe for "Wonders of the Sea" from www.cooks.com. Enjoy! I am hoping that you will mold the "Wonders of the Sea" into a decorative fish shape, as they recommend. Or, better still, a sea serpent. Could you please make a Wonders of the Sea casserole in the shape of a sea serpent, take a picture, and let me see it? That would be simply smashing.
Okay! Ready? You will need A LOT of Saltines, so you'll probably have to pop by the supermarket first to get those and, oh, a few other odds and ends. For example, do you have pimentos on hand? I don't. I'm not sure I recommend that you buy those for this, either, because you KNOW they'll sit in your fridge 'til 2012.
WONDERS OF THE SEA CASSEROLE
1/4 lb. saltine crackers (or more) crumbled & moistened with water
To this add and mix well:
1 tsp. tarragon
1/2 tsp. curry powder
2 tsp. grey poupon mustard
3/4-1 c. mayonnaise (WOW that's a lot, huh?)
9-10 oz. can tuna, flaked up (Optional. Sparkle Sez: That's good because I don't know what "flaked up" means, unless do you think it means "teasing" the tuna with a fork?)
1 can white crabmeat
1 can minced clams
1-2 pkg. frozen sm. shrimp, thawed & rinsed
Juice of 1/2 lemon
1 med. onion
Chopped 1 med. green pepper
Chopped 1-2 ribs celery
Chopped 2 tbsp. celery leaves
1/2 c. salad olives (green stuffed with pimento, broken)
1 pimento, chopped (Sparkle Sez: DON'T DO IT! DO NOT BUY THAT CAN OF PIMENTOS! STAY STRONG.)
1 c. sherry (or white wine)
12-14 fresh mushrooms, sliced
1-1 1/2 tsp. Tabasco sauce
2-3 dashes Worcestershire sauce
1/2 c. black (ripe) olives
Sliced 4-5 water chestnuts, chopped (Sparkle Sez: ADD MORE OF THESE--THEY'RE GOOD)
2 lg. brown eggs, beaten to light & frothy
Paprika
Peanut oil
Crumble crackers, sprinkle with water. Add parsley, tarragon and curry powder, mustard and mayonnaise; mix well. Mix seafoods and sprinkle with lemon juice. Add to cracker mixture. Add chopped onion, green pepper, celery, pimento stuffed green olives, black olives, water chestnuts, celery leaves, Tabasco sauce, mushrooms, Worcestershire sauce, pimentos and the sherry. Work this all together well and add the 2 eggs, beaten until light and fluffy. Mix well.
Scallops (bay or deep sea) are a nice addition when in season.
Oil well a big casserole with peanut oil, and fill with the mixture. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. Sprinkle with paprika and bake 30 minutes more at 300 degrees. Garnish with sprigs of parsley and lemon wedges.
Note: For a buffet, this can be molded in the shape of a fish, with black olive eyes, lemon slices for fins, etc. (Sparkle sez: NO! PLEASE MAKE IT IN A SEA SERPENT SHAPE INSTEAD? PLEAAAAASE?) Also nice for a pot luck. This one's truly worth the effort! (Sparkle sez: It better be.)
Love,
Sparkle
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
"Hmm, on Second Thought..." Tuesday
A neighbor drove by me while I was walking the dog yesterday. The neighbor tooted the horn: "Beep beep!" and waved in a mighty friendly way--~wave~wave~wave--
a bright red wooly mitten telegraphing warmth, season's greetings, and neighborly good cheer.
My Left Hand: Busy holding dog leash.
My Right Hand: Busy holding bag o' dog poo.
My Decision: Quick! Wave bag o' dog poo in friendly way! ~wave~flop~wave~flop~wave~
Mistake? Quite possibly. Does waving a bag o' dog poo really say "Season's greetings"? I am not convinced it does. That makes today "Hmm, on Second Thought..." Tuesday. Have a good one!
a bright red wooly mitten telegraphing warmth, season's greetings, and neighborly good cheer.
My Left Hand: Busy holding dog leash.
My Right Hand: Busy holding bag o' dog poo.
My Decision: Quick! Wave bag o' dog poo in friendly way! ~wave~flop~wave~flop~wave~
Mistake? Quite possibly. Does waving a bag o' dog poo really say "Season's greetings"? I am not convinced it does. That makes today "Hmm, on Second Thought..." Tuesday. Have a good one!
Monday, December 14, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
But doesn't an oasis usually go in the DESERT?
"To me, an Oasis will forever mean: Hope, Crosby, an overly amorous camel, and a whole lotta sand. Sorry, I can't be swayed on this point. Anyhoo, Sparkle wants me to put this in. I disapprove. But, what are you gonna do?"
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Superlatives!
"Hi, kids! So, Oasis of the Seas has many superlatives!"
"I disapprove of superlatives. If you advertise, it's good to say stuff is crappier than it is--then people can be surprised and be all, "This isn't crappy! Why this is almost great!" Low expectations. I thrive amongst low expectations. Of course, no expectations are even better.""Where was I? Hi, kids! So, Oasis of the Seas has many superlatives! And, these superlatives make it an awful lot like this blog. Let me give you some examples!"Fact: Oasis of the Seas is "The largest and most revolutionary cruise ship at sea!"
Fact: Dinosaur Casserole is "The biggest and sickeningly green blog featuring small plastic dinosaurs in cyberspace! While it is not revolutionary, it probably has something to do with evolution--loosely speaking!"
"This is stupid.""Awesome, huh? Here's some more!"Fact: The Oasis of the Seas features "...the first zip line on a cruise ship, a thrilling 82 feet ride (25 meters), in the Sports Zone [neighborhood], suspended nine decks above the Boardwalk!"
Fact: Dinosaur Casserole will never have a zip line of any kind. That is so. However, Sparkle Plenty, creator of Dinosaur Casserole, has been quoted as saying "NO! I am super sure I won't ride the first zip line on a cruise ship--possibly any zip line on OR off any cruise ship."
"Coward. Dude, this is now painful. I gotta get outta here. I'm grabbing the "S" from the banner--despite its dubious strengths as a flotation device--and am-scraying.""Yes. I, too, find striking similarities between the Oasis of the Seas superlatives and those of Dinosaur Casserole!"Fact: "The AquaTheater features first-ever acrobatic, synchronized and high-dive performances on the high seas with a talented cast of Olympic and National Collegiate Athletic Association divers."
Fact: "Sparkle Plenty went to college. She can pretty much swim. At least she could do so the last time she went swimming. Yeah, possibly the water wings helped, but she was super afloat. She did not super drown! And, her performance was enjoyed by MANY. Including the toddler who rescued her!"
"AUGH!""So, to wrap up, I'll share two more astonishing superlatives; they are sure to astonish you."Fact: "Oasis of the Seas is the first ship to feature not one, but two FlowRiders in the Sports Zone."
"Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! This is AWESOME!""HUH?""Why why why...Never did I DREAM this was possible! The ship is gonna have two low riders?!!!! THIS IS IMMENSE! D'you think it's my friends, Hector and Manny? 'cause Hector has a sweet, tricked-out Impala and Manny's got that fiiiiine Lincoln Continental and...ALL MY FRIENDS LOVE A LOWRIDER!!! This is possibly the only thing I've ever approved of--next to the Floating HoJo's.""FLOWrider...the first technology that allows the fun and excitement of surfing.""Excuse me. I must retire to recalibrate my expectations."
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Nat's Dream: The Floating HoJo's
"Yeah. Nat here. I disapprove of everything. I've disapproved of everything for centuries. I've disapproved of everything since I hatched out of an egg that your brain is not equipped to imagine. (For the record: I disapprove of your brain's inability to imagine what my egg looked like.) Except for one thing. I have always approved of the concept of a Floating HoJo's. And now, because all of those people on Oasis of the Seas will be starving, my dream has become a reality. Pfft. Can you believe building such a big ship and not having any restaurants?"
"Nat, man, you're wrong. Again. Oasis of the Seas has, like a bajillion restaurants and I don't know what all--snack cabanas, munchy kiosks, formal dining experiences in each of the 'hoods, and possibly even trained "chip chimps" who run by and stuff Fritos in your mouth when you holler "Chip me, chimp!""Yeah, okay, so. I refuse to believe that because I refuse to believe that.""You give me no choice, man, and I quote:THE BOARDWALK
•Seafood Shack: A casual indoor/outdoor family restaurant on the Boardwalk; seafood, over-sized desserts and a vast selection of ‘mocktails’
•Boardwalk Bar: The main bar on the Boardwalk; offering fruit, salads and sandwiches
•Boardwalk Donut Shop: A classic haunt for casual snacks and delicious treats
•Ice Cream Parlor: A variety of ice cream flavors and toppings take center stage against a backdrop of 1950s kitsch
•Johnny Rockets: ‘50’s-style Diner with server-entertainers
CENTRAL PARK
•150 Central Park: A trendy, upscale and intimate restaurant with a tasting menu with customized wine pairings
•Giovanni's Table: An Italian trattoria with both indoor and alfresco seating featuring Italian classics served family-style
•Park Café: An indoor/outdoor gourmet market featuring salads, sandwiches, soups, pastries and to-die-for fudge
•Vintages: A wine bar with pre-dinner tapas and cheeses along with a robust selection of fine wines
•Chops Grille: Royal Caribbean’s signature steakhouse with views of Central Park, and premium cuts or quality meats
POOL AND SPORTS ZONE
•Solarium Bistro: A health-conscious dining option for lunch and healthful fare and dancing under the stars in the evening
•The Wipe Out Café: A casual self-service buffet with pizza, hamburgers, sandwiches and fresh salads
•Izumi Asian Cuisine: Featuring mouthwatering flavors and a sushi bar with hot-rock cooking
ROYAL PROMENADE
•Mondo Café: Open around the clock this café offers coffee, sandwiches and pastries like those found in Italy, Spain and Cuba
•Sorrento's Pizzeria: Featuring New York style pizza, with both made-to-order pies and by the slice
•Café Promenade: Offering Seattle’s Best coffee, fruit shakes, pastries and sandwiches all day
•The Cupcake Cupboard: Featuring fresh-baked gourmet cupcakes as well as parties and design classes
VITALITY AT SEA SPA AND FITNESS CENTER
•The Vitality Café: Offering healthy snacks, sandwiches, wraps, fruit and smoothies.
THE CLASSICS, Royal Caribbean hasn’t forgotten the classics of its fleet:
•Opus Dining Room: The ship’s main restaurant features a three-tier venue with a 1920s Art Deco style; flexible My Time Dining and traditional assigned seatings
•Windjammer Marketplace: A casual buffet fare for breakfast, lunch and dinner
•In-Stateroom Service: Order from the complimentary breakfast, lunch and dinner menus, or choose an original Johnny Rockets hamburger or Ghirardelli chocolate cookies from the new Dine In Delights menu
"I disapprove. I also note that you did not mention a Howard Johnson's, so I feel secure in my business plan to follow this ship around with my Floating HoJo's and its now-fully-functional fryolator.""Howard Johnson's doesn't even EXIST anymore, Nat! THAT'S how much demand there is for it!""It's just not a vacation without HoJo's. Now, if you'll excuse me I must go make my 28 flavors of ice cream. I'm expecting customers any minute."
Monday, December 7, 2009
Fact: The Oasis of the Seas Has Seven Godmothers!
"Hey! Good morning! Grab your cup of coffee and hold onto your hat, 'cause I'm about to tell you all about The Oasis of The Seas Seven Godmothers!!! There are seven 'cause the ship is awesome big and this is a super-innovative, super-cool approach to honoring the ship's "seven distinct neighborhoods!" What are the neighborhoods? Sure! I'll tell ya: Central Park, Boardwalk, Royal Promenade, Pool and Sports Zone, Vitality at Sea Spa and Fitness Center, Entertainment Place, and Youth Zone!"
"What the hell kinds of names are these for neighborhoods? Okay: Central Park. Okay maybe: Boardwalk--if we are playing Monopoly. But, Vitality at Sea Spa and Fitness Center Neighborhood? What kinds of ethnic restaurants will I find in this neighborhood? I don't even wanna think about the kinds of block parties they'd have. Carrot juice. Everybody would be walkin' around with fun flasks of carrot juice.""Did you hear a little annoying squeak? Yeah, me too. Anyhoo! Here are the seven godmothers of the Oasis of the Seas: Daisy Fuentes, Shawn Johnson, Gloria Estefan, Michelle Kwan, Jane Seymour, Dara Torres, and Keshia Knight Pulliam! These seven awesome ladies were selected because they 'personify strength of character, exemplify the spirit of giving, and are role models for men, women and children alike!' Yaay! Let's hear it for these seven great gals!""I reject all seven godmothers. And, I shall replace them with:1) Cher: Because she is three godmothers in one--gypsy, tramp, and thief.
2) Celine freakin' Dion: She was born to wear a sporty little yacht cap and hang out in the Entertainment Place and they are shying away from her because of the Titanic tie-in. Fess up, Oasis of the Seas: You are shying away from Celine Dion...Canadian, Humanitarian, and Logical Choice #1 for a Cruise Ship Godmother.
3) Okay, we can keep Dara Torres because she can help us swim to safety.
4) We are adding Tanya Harding. Show some guts, Oasis of the Seas! Give a gal--an athletic, strong gal who exemplifies a gritty kind of survivor courage that could be an example to the Pool and Sports Zone neighborhood--a chance. Moxie, initiative, and some strong Foxy Boxing skills. She's a lock.
5) OPRAH. Hello? What are you thinking, Oasis of the Seas? Pick a great big-hearted gal for a great big ship. She has Royal Promenade written all over her, dudes. Plus, she'll be a retiree soon and she won't have to be a greeter at Walmart if you hire her.
6) Newswoman Ann Curry--the only news anchor I trust to calmly and humorously tell me that the ship is sinking and I need to find Dara and Tanya to row me to shore.
7) Deceased comedians George Carlin and Mitch Hedberg. In drag. I don't care how many rules I am breaking with this controversial selection. They're a lock for Godmother #7. Wait. I need a Godmother for the Youth Zone. Crap. Okay, I'm adding Dick Cheney in drag as the Godmother for the Youth Zone because he will scare the crackers out of the wee ones and make them fall into a frozen silence, allowing me to enjoy my Mai Tais in peace.
8) Connie Selleca. It is a personal choice that I do not have to explain. It's a big freakin' ship. Make room for her. See? Now THAT'S a list of seven godmothers!"
"Sometimes it is challenging to be your friend, Nat."
Thursday, December 3, 2009
SkiJs
Dear PajamaGram People,I admit it. I should not have taken that bold, scoffing, snide tone in my previous post. It was uncalled for. Your slogan is fine. It is just fine as is. Agreed? You like me now? We're okay now? Yaay!
So, here's the deal. Please stop sending me information about your new products. I already unsubscribed from your mailing list, so this is getting to be a little eerie--it's almost like you're coming up with products JUST to creep me out. I mean, are "SkiJs" really in your catalog or did you just take pictures of scary people wearing said "SkiJs," and send them to me? Because I am severely discomfited.
1) It's too white. It's just too damn white. In every way.
2) If you show me a man dressed like that, please just show me his wife holding a gun on him (it can have a ski design, if you like) or brandishing a taser. The little dog could hold the taser if that would make for a cuter picture.
3) White carpet? DOG? No footprints on rug? That rug does not make me think about slipping into my "SkiJs" and relaxing. It makes me think, "Clean, clean, clean. Scrub, scrub, scrub."
4) Let me tell you what the woman is about to say: "DARLING! Stop touching my hair! We're in our SkiJs! They're just meant for LOUNGING, nothing more. Here. Play with the chessmen."
5) Which raises a good point. Chess set? DOG? No chess pieces missing and in dog's stomach, ready to be removed for $2,000 by a smiling staff of vets who are all wearing SkiJs? HA.
Okay, I'm done for now. And, I hope I haven't been overly harsh. It's just that you're worrying me.
All best wishes to you and yours,
Sparkle
P.S. What's next? Really! I'm kinda interested. Scared, but interested!
Monday, November 23, 2009
I Am Picking On YOU, Pyjama People!!!
Okay, PajamaGram People. Listen up!
1) Your slogan, "In a world that's bananas, send some pajamas," bugs me. Looky: "Bananas" does not rhyme with "Pajamas." Sorrrrrr-y. It does not.
Now, I'm no expert, but I think you should go with this:
"In a world that's a frighty, send 'em a nightie."
No good? Okay. How about:
"The world's all whambammy! Send out some damn jammies!"
Thumbs down? Okay, I give up. But, "bananas" STILL does not rhyme with "pajamas."
2) I like "pyjamas" better than "pajamas." Why? I don't know. I just do. Make note of this, please.
3) You officially scare me with your new PajamaJeansTM. I don't know what to make of them. I really don't. Nothing could be less like pyjamas (bleaah) than jeans. Thus, you are causing me some severe cognitive dissonance here. Jeans? That are jammies? And that you swear to me will "offer the fashionable look of your favorite jeans combined with the comfort of your favorite PJs." I say it's not possible. I also say that it is possible you are trying to make me look foolish. More foolish. Very foolish. Not everyone will look like this in your unnatural jeanjam hybrid.
In a separate matter, why do you consider me a "Pajama VIP"? I only sent the two bathrobes that one time. I don't think that should make me a "Pajama VIP" (or a "Pyjama VIP," for that matter). Raise your standards for your VIPs.
4) What's that, PyjamaPeopleTM? This post is proof that I am becoming cranky in my old age? Yes. I agree. But, I'm still right, PyjamaPeople TM. Ohhhhh, yes I amana.
1) Your slogan, "In a world that's bananas, send some pajamas," bugs me. Looky: "Bananas" does not rhyme with "Pajamas." Sorrrrrr-y. It does not.
Now, I'm no expert, but I think you should go with this:
"In a world that's a frighty, send 'em a nightie."
No good? Okay. How about:
"The world's all whambammy! Send out some damn jammies!"
Thumbs down? Okay, I give up. But, "bananas" STILL does not rhyme with "pajamas."
2) I like "pyjamas" better than "pajamas." Why? I don't know. I just do. Make note of this, please.
3) You officially scare me with your new PajamaJeansTM. I don't know what to make of them. I really don't. Nothing could be less like pyjamas (bleaah) than jeans. Thus, you are causing me some severe cognitive dissonance here. Jeans? That are jammies? And that you swear to me will "offer the fashionable look of your favorite jeans combined with the comfort of your favorite PJs." I say it's not possible. I also say that it is possible you are trying to make me look foolish. More foolish. Very foolish. Not everyone will look like this in your unnatural jeanjam hybrid.
In a separate matter, why do you consider me a "Pajama VIP"? I only sent the two bathrobes that one time. I don't think that should make me a "Pajama VIP" (or a "Pyjama VIP," for that matter). Raise your standards for your VIPs.4) What's that, PyjamaPeopleTM? This post is proof that I am becoming cranky in my old age? Yes. I agree. But, I'm still right, PyjamaPeople TM. Ohhhhh, yes I amana.
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