How to Do Everything (I read the pamphlets so you don't have to!)

How to Recycle: Dump everything into one can and throw it anywhere!

 

What Happens When You Smoke Marijuana: You stand around and make fun of your friend who is cold and scared because he has not smoked marijuana. 

How to Develop Your Leadership Skills: Convince People to Follow You Blindly Up a Staircase to Nowhere! 

Improve Your Interpersonal Skills by Forcing Others to Shake Hands! 

If Your Coworker is Crouched Down with a Globe On His Shoulders, Don't Ponder It--Run. There is a Gun Behind That Globe.  

Improve Your Listening Skills by Growing Ears!  

Now that You Are A Young Lady, You Will Spend Hours Staring Into Lockers...

 

Get a Load of This! Natural Gas is Cuddly and Fun! Play with It! 

If A Stopwatch Falls on Your Friend, Fondle Him!  

In An Emergency, Wave Goodbye to All You Hold Dear.

 

If You Cannot Get Cocaine, Your Brain Will Break In Two.  

If You Are Making Out and Question Marks Appear in the Air, Be Very Worried.

You and Your Attitude Have Scary Roundy Heads.

 

If Your Older Relatives are "Problem Drinkers," You Might Need to Remind Them Where They Hid the Booze.

 

To Conserve Your Hearing on the Job, Tune Out Your Coworkers. Tune them alllll out. 

If You Try to Be Abstinent, A Big Bed Will Follow You Wherever You Go. So, Don't Bother. 

You Do Not Want to Know About "Universal Precautions." Rubber Glove? 'nuff Said. 

Poop is Shaped Like Flowers. Do Not Mistake It For Flowers.  

Conserve Water? Why? It is Plentiful and Jolly and Loves Being Squandered! 

If You Allow Yourself to Be Crucified at Work, That's a Winning Attitude, Mister!

The Dormeyer Power Chef

This is my great-aunt's Dormeyer Power Chef mixer. Which great-aunt? The tall great-aunt who didn't swear like a sailor like the other great-aunt!
I assumed ownership of the Dormeyer Power Chef mixer; my great-aunt no longer needs it. It works really well and I like the way it looks. The first thing I found out about the Dormeyer Power Chef is that it's kind of fun to read the list of its functions* out loud, really fast, emphasizing the first syllable of each word (it was a quiet day, what can I say):

Juicing
Beating
Beating
Creaming
Beating
Mixing
Whipping
Mixing
Mashing
Adding

The second thing I found out about the Dormeyer Power Chef involved myself. Once again, I realized that I can't leave words alone. I looked at the list and I thought, "Okay, I understand that there are different kinds of beating and mixing, but redundancy is a real problem here. Couldn't they have taken the time to substitute appropriate synonyms or more descriptive terms?"

Yet, quite quickly I had to concede that "...the list has a nice momentum and sense of urgency, despite its obvious repetitiveness--or perhaps even because of it. In a literary sense, a rough form of poetry emerges--a small, fierce word storm fills the room....The ten-word gerund rocket [I made that term up just 'cause I could] creates an epic juggernaut of batter-blending intensity..." (It was a very slow day.) For example, let's use a ten-word gerund rocket to capture a temper tantrum:

Pouting
Stomping
Stomping
Moaning
Stomping
Kicking
Howling
Kicking
Wailing
Flailing

Once I had accepted the list as rough poetry, however, I found that I still had a few quibbles. As I worked on the temper tantrum experiment, I found that it was hard to get the perfect last couple of words to land the gerund rocket neatly and with force. Uneasily, I fell back on rhyming--as shown above. This gerund rocket challenge is also evident in the original list shown above. After building up a certain amount of dramatic tension ("Beating Beating Creaming Mixing Whipping"), the list collapses weakly with "Mashing" and "Adding"--a definite anti-climax. I decided that the Dormeyer people should have tweaked those last two words:

Juicing
Beating
Beating
Creaming
Beating
Mixing
Whipping
Mixing
BOWL SCOOTS OFF TABLE! BEATERS SPRAY BATTER EVERYWHERE! SPRAYING! SPRAYING! BAKER DOWN! BAKER DOWN! CALL 911! CASUALTIES! REPEAT! CASUALTIES!
Cleaning
Wiping

As you can see, I felt I had to resort to petty sensationalism to land the gerund rocket.

The Dormeyer Power Chef: A heckuva machine.
The Gerund Rocket: A heckuva literary challenge.

The Crisis of Many Plys

Until recently, I had everything all worked out toilet paper-wise. The only logical choice is, of course, your basic, garden-variety Scott tissue. It's unscented, it has 1,000 sheets per roll, and it promises septic safeness--meaning that it protects our poop systems from giant alligators.Furthermore, scientists have proven that Scott tissue eliminates Bolsheviks from your bathroom. I don't object to Bolsheviks, but their scowling, smoldering demeanor and disturbing moustaches tend to disrupt my morning routine. So: Preventing giant alligators + eliminating Bolsheviks = a big, ol' selling point.
There is one drawback to using Scott tissue. It can be disarming when "Mr. Thirsty Fibre" decides to pay a morning visit. This may be my bad--not his. We have been on distant terms since I called attention to the fact that he looks like he has been shopping in Mr. Peanut's closet. He has a short fuse on the best of days, and he did not appreciate my casual observation on his attire.
Yet, my problems with Mr. Thirsty Fibre pale in comparison to the many plied crisis at hand. What do I do about these new options? Which is best? Do I go with the kind that speaks Spanish? "Suave, Fuerte...Duradero" sounds much better than "Soft, Strong...Lasts Long"--even 'though it does not rhyme quite as well.Or, do I go with Scott Naturals? Its constant showboating about its "2-ply softness that gets the job done" (see bottom left corner of picture below) makes me wonder about the kind I use now--which does NOT claim to "get the job done." Does Scott original tissue leave the job undone? Is that what they're implying? If so, it is a haunting thought.And, what about this new tube-less kind? How will I feel when I get to the center of the roll and there's nothing there? Will it be sort of magical (ta-DAH!)? Will it be annoying when the roll dissolves to nothingness at halftime? Will it make me feel sentimental about the old, tubed rolls of my youth? Will it make me try to count up how many toilet paper tubes I've thrown away over my lifetime? And, most importantly, could this writer possibly have gotten an easier headline to write?
Okay--later. I've got some decision-making to do.

An Asynchronous Conversation About the Comma with Lloyd E. Smith

4. The Comma (excerpted from Punctuation Self Taught, Little Blue Book #683 by Lloyd E. Smith, Edited by E. Haldeman-Julius, 1924)

Lloyd: "The little comma is the worst of all marks of punctuation to keep in its proper place."
(SP: I like to use a whip and a chair, Lloyd, you?)

Lloyd: "Don't sprinkle commas about as though you were distributing them from a careless pepper-shaker!"
(SP: This feels like a personal attack, Lloyd. So: I, will, if, I, want, to, Lloyd,)

Lloyd: "Law suits have--rarely, but still often enough to be a warning--been won or lost on the position of a single comma."
(SP: Oh, really. Scare tactics, Lloyd? I thought you were better than that.)

Lloyd: "Words (usually nouns or adjectives, but often other parts of speech and even phrases or clauses) strung together in a series are separated from each other by commas."
(SP: You are about to give me an example, aren't you, Lloyd? I smell an example coming.)

Lloyd: "But be our experience in particulars what it may, no man ever forgot the visitations of that power to his heart and brain, which created all things new; which was the dawn in him of music, poetry and art; which made the face of nature radiant with purple light; the morning and the night varied enchantments; when a single tone of one voice could make the heart beat, and the most trivial circumstances associated with one form, is put in the amber of memory; when we became all eye when one was present, and all memory when one was gone; when the youth becomes a watcher of windows, and studious of a glove, a veil, a ribbon, or the wheels of a carriage; when no place is too solitary, and none too silent for him who has richer company and sweeter conversation in his new thoughts, than any old friends, though best and purest, can give him; for, the figures, the motions, the words of the beloved object are not like other images written in water, but, as Plutarch said, 'enameled in fire,' and make the study of midnight." (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

(SP: ?, ?, ?, and ?!)

(SP: Llllllloyd! What the heck? I thought you were going to give me an example such as "apples, pears, and peaches." This? You give the beginner a paragraph like this--without saying "Don't try this at home?" You distress me, Lloyd!!!)

Lloyd: "Doubling or tripling the exclamation point is an outgrowth of its overuse, an ungrammatical attempt to restore the potency the single mark once had, and still has in conservative writing."

(SP: I am beginning to dislike you, Lloyd.)

Poisoned Again...By Ivy

Poison Ivy Wish List 2013
1) I would like a "poison ivy detector"--kind of like a geiger counter. When you get within 10 ft. of poison ivy, or a poison ivy seed, or a piece of dirt that once considered growing poison ivy,  the detector will click madly *clickety clickety clickety* giving you plenty of time to sprint away at top speed. Does this exist? If not, please make one.

2) I would like a "CSI: Poison Ivy" solvent and device. Some kind of spray that you use, and then train a laser around to see everywhere you have unwittingly spread poison ivy oil in your home...towels, bedding, furniture. Yes! Let's definitely check the dog while we're at it.  I just got all excited because I thought this might exist already. But, I don't see where I can purchase it. Crud.

3) I would like a Poison Ivy Plague Squad (hazmat suits are okay, they won't be scary because I'm wearing one myself now) to swarm through my home and grounds, armed with the poison ivy detector and device. It would be great if they could school me in which items of clothing to give up on and just throw away.

4)  I would like to not have poison ivy.

I think that might wrap up Poison Ivy Wish List 2013.

Poison Ivy Fun Facts
Fun Fact 1) Poison ivy belongs to the cashew family!
Fun Fact 2) I now hate cashews! Thank goodness for pistachios, the other "glamour nut/seed."

Best Poison Ivy Info Website
1) This is a really good poison ivy website. I hope that you never have to consult it.

Dinosaurs + Stooges = Dinooges

Survive Anything!

Gustavo: "Where's the stuff about extinction? NO! I don't want to read about hurricanes again. E-x-t-i-n-c-t-i-o-n. What do we need to do to survive it? C'mon. Check the table of contents!"

If Dinosaurs Came Back...

If dinosaurs came back, they would have a lot of catching up to do. They might start by reading useful magazines, such as "Modern Mechanix."
Rex: "So, listen up. We get one of these newfangled 'airship' things, we cruise some chicks, and we go to the drive-in movie theatre. Plus, it looks like we can all get lucrative jobs as radio engineers."

Summary for Dinosaurs if They Come Back
1) Abraham Lincoln=A good guy.

2) The Invention of Electricity=Wires. Zip-zap.
3) World War II=We won.

4) Interstate highway system=Tar.
5) Red Sox finally won the World Series=A game.
6) Go buy anything with a little "i" in front of it.

If Dinosaurs Were Around Today
1) All the guys who play them in the movies would need to retire.
2) Toho Studios would glumly begin to make driver training films.
3) People would have jobs scooping dinosaur poop with steamshovels. They would have fancy titles like “Prehistoric Waste Engineer."
4) The term “fossil fuels” would make dinosaurs teary and contemplative.
5) I would be dinosaur toe jam.

6) Dinosaur PMS? I'd move to the moon, if I were you.

What The Dinosaurs Missed
1) Car hops.
2) Black and white TVs with small children serving as the "remote controls."
3) Cancerous red dye in cherries.
4) Smoking in movie theaters, doctor’s offices, nursery schools, churches, anywhere.
5) LPs and EPs and Eight-Tracks, oh my.
6) Ernest Borgnine and Shelley Winters in "The Poseidon Adventure."

Hiding Tips from the Movies and Books

Rex: "Relax. This is an impenetrable disguise."

1) When choosing a disguise, don't hesitate to improvise with whatever is handy--seaweed, hats with veils, small pets, etc. Suits of armor and haystacks are especially good, so it's wise to invest in one or two of each and have them with you at all times.
2) Follow the rules for impenetrable disguises. Remember: A fake beard can be a false friend; do not use one that will come off as you eat your soup. Also: If you are a short, fat man dressed as a jungle princess, do not use flowers in your disguise that will make you sneeze.
3) Do not stand behind a long, lush velvet drape with your shoes sticking out unless you have a secret desire to be shish-kebabed with a sword.
4) Today's villains are regrettably savvy. Do not hide in the closet, under the bed, in the shower, or behind a telephone pole.
5) Do not hide in a refrigerator. Even if there is room to do so and there are good leftovers to eat, just do not do so.
6) Rather than hiding, sometimes it is a good idea to freak out the villains by running towards them yelling, "I love you! I love you! I love you!" Of course, only do this if you are a heavily-armed, bitter cop with nothing left to lose.
7) If you decide to hide in a clothes hamper or tall, wicker market basket make sure that there are many other such baskets around so that you will blend in. Note: A clothes hamper or tall, wicker market basket standing all on its own in a town square is a known villain magnet.
8) It can be fun to dive into a round, metal garbage can. Rest assured, if you dive into one, it starts rolling down a hill in San Francisco, and the villains must give chase, you will turn a drama into a comedy! Of course, if you roll into the path of a cable car, you will turn the comedy back into a drama in seconds.
9) Do not hide on the second floor of a barn. You know that the villain will walk in and say, "I know you're up there, now come on down before I have to come and get you." Strangely, this sounds like something your mother would say. But, the villain is not there to call you in for supper. No, he is not. Avoid the barn altogether.
10) And, please. Avoid the well. I know it looks all safe and stuff. Just avoid it. Thank you.

Algernon is Sent to Greet the Unknown Men of Sophisticated Peril

Archie: "Will the little guy be okay? Somehow, it doesn't seem right to send him."

Rex: "Why not? He speaks 12 languages. Knows Jujitsu. Plus, it will take them a while to gnaw through that shell, and we'll have plenty of time to run."

Algernon: "HEY! I HEARD that!"

(Others volunteer Algernon to do unpleasant things...)

The All-Day, All-Staff Retreat

Rex: “It’s no big deal. They say they want to invite us to their all-staff retreat. Isn’t that neat?”
Gustavo: “Not neat. Look, Rex, this is weird. We're not part of their staff, are we? And, why are they dragging us through the air like this?”
Rex: “Shhhh. They’re being friendly. This is a trust exercise. Enjoy the ride.”
Archie: “Hey! Bertie got away! He’ll help us, won’t he? Berrrrrrtieeeeeeee!”

Rex is An Eternal, Cock-Eyed Optimist

Rex:"I think this is just their way of saying hello."

Electric Pudding

Clyde: "So, they were all like, 'Hey! Look at this great electric pudding the robots just gave us!"
Lester: "What is 'electric pudding'?"
Clyde: "Yeah, that's exactly what I said. And they go, 'We don't care, it has whipped cream and cherries!'"
Algernon: "Whipped cream and cherries?"
Clyde: "Yeah, that's exactly what I said. But then, I thought about it and I said, 'I don't think the robots are our friends.' But then they go, 'And hot fudge sauce and sprinkles! The pudding has hot fudge sauce and sprinkles! And a Tesla coil! And some cool purple stuff!' So I go, 'Well, okay, but you go first.'"
Lester: "Then what happened?"
Clyde: "I have no idea. They've just been standing there for hours. It's like they see something."
Spanky: "I feel that this is a bad time for me to have misplaced my anxiety medication."

Making Life Easier (Poopsie Daisy?)

Before they hid very poorly, got caught by the robots, sent Algernon to try to negotiate with the robots, and ate the robots' electric pudding...

...the dinosaurs were planning a comeback...
Rex: "Looky! It says it will make life easier!!! We're gonna come back! We're gonna rule the world again!!! Woo-hoo!"
Lester: "Well...it might work..."
Gustavo: "I'm going to just sit over here and wait for you all to be disappointed. Let me know when it's lunchtime."

...just imagine their horror when they discovered humans' conception of "easy"...
Algernon: "Hey, guys? What's an attractive moisture barrier?"
Archie: "Let's analyze this Poopsie Daisy stuff. It must be the secret to their survival."
Victor: "Looky! Skis! Wheeeeee! Wait. What are skis?"
Nat: "You know, gazing into this mysterious hole topped by this skooshy thing, I feel smaller, more plastic, and more confused than ever. In fact, I feel extinct. Hold me."

In the Stronghold of the Robots

In the Stronghold of the Robots...
...it is a very, very, very Bad Monday for the dinosaurs:
Rex: "Look at the VIEW from up here! How KIND of the robots to share this with us!"
'saurs: "SHUT UP, REX!"
Algernon: "You know, on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being low and 10 being high, this Monday is, like, a minus 237.”
Walt: "Yep. How am I supposed to get in my foxtrotting practice up here?"

Hope your Mondays are better than theirs!!!

Bertie To the Rescue!

Bertie is trying to rescue his friends from the evil clutches of the unknown metal men of sophisticated peril, and--
"Look, sister. Don't even try to pretend that you're writing this story because you ain't doin' squat. I'VE figured out a bold escape scheme, and I'M going to get out there and rescue the guys in my clever, impenetrable DISGUISE."

Well, it looks like Bertie's feeling a little miffed that I've neglected the story a little teeny tiny bit for a just a minute or two. I can't help it, I've--
"Zip it, ya dizzy dame. Here I am, completely Lon Cheneyed up in my sophisticated robot disguise. They will NEVER KNOW that I am not one of them. I shall infiltrate their ranks and I will FREE the other dinosaurs! NO thanks to YOU, I might add."

Wow! I had no idea you were so mad at me, Bertie! I'm sorry, I--
"Okay, okay, okay. Yap yap yap. Blah blah blah, Ginger. Just sit back and watch the master at work. Learn, baby, learn."
"Ah, hello. I am exactly like you except more powerful. I have come to inspect your, uh, facilities here."
"I, uh, understand that you are holding some dinosaurs captive. I will need to see these dinosaurs." (See, Sparkle? See how easy this is? YOU DUFUS!) "I am, uh, a highly-trained dinosaur inspectionalist. That is my job. That is my way." (See how you build a plot, Sparkle? SEE?) "I think that you will find my methods to be quite fair, and you will learn a lot. Yes, you will learn a lot from my highly-honed inspectional expertisemah. I shall--WUZZAT?" (Sparkle! Can you explain what's happening here? SPARKLE! Where are you? Uh, could you give me an assist? I, uh...)
Schmerzoo 500: I called Mama. She was so happy she cried. She wants you to have her wedding gown. It's white lace.
Bertie: Yeah, Schmerzoo 500. I can't get married in your mother's dress. Ha ha. That-she and I, we are not built the same way.
Schmerzoo 500: We can have it altered.
Bertie: Aw no you don't! Schmerzoo 500, I'm gonna level with you. We can't get married at all.
Schmerzoo 500: Why not?
Bertie: Well, in the first place, I'm not a natural silver.
Schmerzoo 500: Doesn't matter.
Bertie: I smoke. I smoke all the time.
Schmerzoo 500: I don't care.
Bertie: Well, I have a terrible past. For three years now, I've been living with an Australopithecus.
Schmerzoo 500: I forgive you.
Bertie: I can never have children.
Schmerzoo 500 (unperturbed): We can adopt some.
Bertie: But you don't understand, Schmerzoo 500. (He whips off his foil, exasperated, and changes to a dinosaur voice.) Uh, I'm a dinosaur.
Schmerzoo 500 (unruffled, undaunted, and still in love): Well, nobody's perfect.*

*With a tip of the hat to "Some Like It Hot," from which this dialogue is 100% stolen.