Friday, August 29, 2014

Labor Day

Women at the Westinghouse Time Clock, 1904 (Spoiler Alert: Woman at 1:23 drops her timecard!)

Labor Day draws near, so we're taking some time off...never mind that there have been no new posts since February 2014.
It is very enjoyable to watch the sidekick wade out and sit down in the water. She looks kind of like a very old man at the seashore...The end effect? Why, a furry lily pad growing in the water, of course!

I'll be doing this:

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Why Dinosaurs Are Really Extinct, Part 2: Killer Icicles

Archie: "So I go, 'Knock those icicles down. It'll take 5 seconds.' And Rex goes, 'They'll melt soon.'"

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Why Dinosaurs Are Really Extinct, Part 1: Dinovalanche!!!

Rex: "Like I said, I only bring the transceiver if I think there's gonna be an avalanche. I didn't think there was gonna be an avalanche, so I didn't bring the transceiver. HEY! Who's kicking me? Quit it!"

Monday, February 10, 2014

Why Dinosaurs Are Really Extinct: Prequel to a Series

National Geographic tells us: "Scientists tend to huddle around one of two hypotheses that may explain the Cretaceous extinction: an extraterrestrial impact, such as an asteroid or comet, or a massive bout of volcanism." Two key takeaways:
1) This sounds like the scientists are little cavemen, rubbing two hypotheses together and trying to start a fact!
2) If scientists are just huddling around two hypotheses, then they lack imagination.
Me? I have many more hypotheses re: why dinosaurs are extinct. (Ed. Note: The following photos may upset dinosaurs if they are not, in fact, extinct. My apologies to any such dinosaurs who, I hypothesize, would be very large and angry and "go all Jurassic Park" on me.)

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Ad Nauseum, Part 18...New white Ipana with WD-40! Oops...I Mean WD-9

Top Takeaways from this Final Entry in the Ad Nauseum Series:
1) White toothpaste is always a good idea; I don't think dark gray or brown toothpaste would sell. Points for Ipana!
2) Is WD-9 actually WD-40? Zero points for Ipana if this is the case.
3) Okay, no...WD-9 is "Sodium Lauryl Sulfate." Points for Ipana for not being made out of WD-40!
4) Oh, crap. "Sodium Lauryl Sulfate" might not be much better than brushing with WD-40. Points removed from Ipana!
5) Bonus Question: Is that little boy in the background casually drinking a cup of coffee? 40 points for the little boy if this is the case.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Ad Nauseum, Part 17..."Your Hair Is Romance"

Top Takeaways:
1) When you use White Rain, parrots hit on you...
2) ...and you don't mind because your hair is sunshine bright!
3)  Using White Rain shrinks you down into a tiny little woman creature...
4)...but it's okay because you get a neat tiny umbrella, which will keep you from drowning if the giant shampoo bottle spills!

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Ad Nauseum, Part 16...PRUNES!

Top Takeaway: Prunes give you wicked bad jaundice. The yellow from the box spreads to your face!

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Ad Nauseum, Part 15...Statler Hotels

Rex sez: "HEY KIDS! Statler Hotels look pretty great! Pop can smoke his pipe anywhere! Kids get giant scary head balloons! Your room comes with a free middle-aged woman who sits in a chair reading!" Um...maybe we can store her in the closet?
1) "The Rise and Fall of One of America's Most Innovative Hotel Chains"
2) Statler Detroit: "An Unclear Future for An Overgrown Lot"
3) Statler Los Angeles: "So Long Statler: A Cheerless End for L.A.'s Atomic Age Hotel"
4) Last Statler Standing? (The Statler Built By Mr. Statler's Will)
5) Inevitable Wiki Link for All Your Statler Needs

Friday, January 3, 2014

Ad Nauseum, Part 14..."Youthful Feel"

Archie and His Doppelganger's Top Takeaways from This Ad:
1) Why would you want your foot to feel like it did when it was a teenager? Draggin' along the ground all sullen and hormone-besieged...
2) This "Magic Sole"...can it do my taxes and make me cheesecake? If it can't, it ain't Magic.
3) Somehow, that shoe IS kind of hot-looking, but how does a human foot fit in it? Diagram needed.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Ad Nauseum, Part 13..."PluPerfect Peas!"

Pip pip and cheerio! Robespierre present and accounted for, with a few words for you concerning the PluPerfect Peas of Birds EyeTM.
1) Everybody is WAY into these peas: Geezers, donkeys, baa lambs, roosters, pigs, you name it...Either that or they like billboard sign painters creepy much.
2) You cannot eat peas without putting eyeball looking things on them...could be stuffed onions, could be stuffed eggs...they just need to look eyeball-y.
3) Note the warning at bottom right.. "WARNING! Look for the Birds Eye on the package. BE SURE you get it! Other peas will EXPLODE, hit you in your eye, knock your eye OUT, and your eye will land in the PEAS."

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Ad Nauseum, Part 12..."With Your Eyes Closed"

Robespierre and Bertie's Top Takeaways from this ad:
1) The best way to choose shoes is with your eyes closed. That makes sure they're nice 'n pinchy.
2) Hey "Miss Peekaboo": Don't walk around like that.
3) If you walk around like that, 9 out of 10 doctors prefer Red Cross Shoes as a source of new and severely debilitated patients.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Ad Nauseum, Part 11..."The Simple Foods of War..."

Penrose's Prime Takeaway From This Ad: "It's War: Get Drunk." Buy some beans, put them in a pot, then get as drunk as you can and maintain it until the war is over (and buy bonds).

Monday, December 30, 2013

Ad Nauseum, Part 10..."How to Buy A Suit..."

G'day, I'm Nat and I disapprove of everything. I especially disapprove of this ad. The formula to buy a suit ("Go to a reliable store and ask for a brand you can trust.") makes me want to shake the Ad Men. They're just not trying very hard here AND what is a reliable store and who can I really trust? Also: What the heck is up with that gal behind the counter? Is she a Perfume Nurse? Is she a nun? Why is she hiding? Lemme tell you: With that gal, this is not a reliable store that I can really trust.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Ad Nauseum, Part 9..."For MEN Only"

Ahoy, there! Cappy here...getting sloshed up here with the befuddled Handmaidens of He-Men Soup. These soups are "For Men Only," and that means hands-off for the gals. So how do they heat it up for their menfolk? One more thought: The Ad Men of CampbellsTM must have been tired when they wrote this ad. I mean: "Beef! Beef! Beef!" "Everybody Likes Chicken!" "Another Grand Meat-Stock Soup!" These are the words of Ad Men who have run out of adjectives.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Ad Nauseum, Part 8...A Regular Houdini!

Victor's "Top Take-Away": In the 1950s, all 14-year-olds dressed informally in suits, smoked pipes that they received in Health Class in school, and had big-a$$ cameras larger than their heads. It is how they Learned to Become Men. (Houdini wriggled out of suit and escaped from ad.)

Friday, December 27, 2013

Ad Nauseum, Part 7..."Savory-rich"

Hey! Walt here...hanging out near the dictionary as the young gals feverishly try to find words to do Lipton's Noodle Soup justice. In this ad, Lipton suggests "Tempting!" "Taste-teasing!" "Old-time-homemade-flavor!" "Heart-warming!"
"S" sums it up for me..."Salty Like An Old-Time Sailor!" "Salt and Battery!" "Saltastic!" "Sodium-Truck-Backed-Up-And-Dumped-Its-Load!" "Stroke-Inducing!"
(This ad makes me wary: These tiny people could fall right in the salton sea here...can they swim?)

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Ad Nauseum, Part 6..."Mildness"

Psst! Victor here.
1) Why do Jane Wyman and Allen McDowell (Tobacco Farmer) smoke Chesterfields? Mildness?
2) Sure. It might be mildness. Still, Scientists have found that 9 out of 10 movie stars and tobacco farmers will smoke Chesterfields if you pay them to! Tobacco farmers are, for some strange reason, particularly drawn to smoking cigarettes and advising others to do the same!
3) I am worried about the fate of the "Professional Smokers" shown in this ad featuring Perry Como.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Ad Nauseum, Part 5..."9 out of 10"

Bud: This ad makes me wary with its hunkus punkus. "9 out of 10 buyers have bought Imperial before and they're buying it again!" Is that supposed to convince me that Imperial is good? Because it only makes me think that Whiskey John there with his "Sippin' Sack" forgot how much it sucked and bought it again by accident. Or, he had his glasses off and couldn't see what he was buying. Also: I want to talk to Imperial Buyer #10. I want to see what he has to say. If they haven't hushed him up.
Psst: Down here...Is that a tiny "Whiskey Elf" rolling that barrel?

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Ad Nauseum, Part 4..."The Striking Difference"

My name is Gustavo and I remain unconvinced. I have tried corn flakes. I have experimented with multiple brands of corn flakes. There is no striking difference in corn flakes. There are no "BETTER" corn flakes. No corn flakes are the best kind of corn flakes. This woman is up a tree for no reason. That is all.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Ad Nauseum, Part 3..."Golden Throat"

Heigh-ho, Eli Ringtail-Tooter here...I fight for justice every day, with the exception of every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon when I dedicate myself to the gentle art of decoupage. It's a good thing it's Monday because I SMELL INJUSTICE in this ad.
1) Isn't "Golden Throat" a Batman villain? 'cause this chick sure looks like a Batman villain to me. She's all shiny and kooky-looking, plus she apparently has a microphone growing out of her gazoose pipe. I find that troubling. I mean, nice Crown of Braids, but she's definitely shady.
2) If you lay down sweet coin for this state-of-the-art music-making machine, does that pretty lady in the purple hat and dress come with the radio? If not, I see precious little justice here.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Ad Nauseum, Part 2..."Fresh Up"

Hey, man! Rex here. This awesome ad tells me all I need to know about the 1950s: Men went swimming fully clothed. Wearing hats. Then they mopped their brows like "Whee-ew, Mercy Maud. Why am I so hot?" I'm pretty sure the wife here is thinking about the bottle of wine she has hidden in her sewing basket.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Ad Nauseum, Part 1..."Agreeableness"

Hey, there! I'm Victor and I'm having a rough day. Not only am I lodged in this canine's toothy piehole, but I'm very confused by this ad:
1) Is this ad supposed to communicate what the German Shepherd is thinking? Because most German Shepherds (including this one, take it from me) tend to walk around thinking: "Meat guard kill. Meat guard kill." Sometimes they shake it up and go, "Guard meat kill."
2) Very few German Shepherds that I know spend time contemplating whiskey bottles.
3) Is there really such a thing as "the whiskey of moderation"? Most whiskey drinkers that I know are not into moderation.
4) What's an "amiable blend"? When I think "amiable" I think of a loose-limbed farmer kicking back on a porch, spitting and offering to share his "chaw." How does "amiable" factor into this ad? (Note: The German Shepherd is not amiable.)
5) What is "all-around whiskey agreeableness?" Does the Calvert Reserve help little old ladies cross the street or something? And then the German Shepherd knocks 'em down?
6) Okay, later. I have to go get chewed for awhile.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Ad Nauseum, Part 0..."Room for the Whole Darn Tribe"

Yeah, hi. Gustavo here. I remain unconvinced that there is "Room for the whole darn tribe" in this DeSoto wagon. I remain unconvinced of many things:
1) The wisdom of dressing your whole family in white for a road trip.
2) The sanity of the dudes who wrote this was before the dawn of PC, but: "Without reservation, a De Soto is your best station wagon buy..." Buddy, really?
3) And, with this unfortunate ad, a new series of posts launches: Ad Nauseum...taking us from 2013 right into 2014 in this, the countdown toward the 500th and final post.