Monday, December 28, 2015

The first rule of Fight Face is:

Recently, my friend told me that I have a "Fight Face." I thought my friend was joking. I was incorrect.
Me: "So, I'm going to go to the big city!"
Friend: "Do not go to the big city."
Me: "Why?"
Friend: "Because that Fight Face of yours is going to get you in trouble."
Me: "?"
Friend: "People will take one look at that Fight Face of yours and you're going to have to fight 'em."
Me: "Ha. Hey. That's pretty funny."
Friend: "I am not joking. You have a Fight Face. It is scary. And you're going to have to back it up with your fists. People are going to think you're picking a fight with them and they're going to call you out."
Me: "I do NOT have a Fight Face. Are you talking about that one time, long ago, when I drove you home from the concert in your giant tanklike car because you took something, and I was frowning and concentrating really hard to drive us through the crowds of zombie concertgoers and I scared you with my frowny face? I was concentrating. I told you that!"
Friend: "I am NOT talking about that. I am talking about your Fight Face. You better stay home."
Me: "I do NOT have a Fight Face!"
Friend: "You sound angry. I bet you're getting Fight Face right now."
Me: "...I DO NOT HAVE A FIGHT FACE. But, okay, I'll just use my Friendly Face."
Friend: "DO NOT USE YOUR FRIENDLY FACE. Jesus. Do you want people to CRUSH YOU?"
Friend: "Not that Fight Face you have on right now, that's for sure. Not the Friendly Face. Jesus. Wear sunglasses. Just wear sunglasses."
Me: "All the time?"
Friend: "All the time."

Now, my Confused Chimp Face, I'm familiar with that one. That's the face that helps me swiftly navigate through airports because people pity me and lead me places. That's the face that makes young and old alike  call me "Dear." I don't make Confused Chimp face on purpose, it happens organically when I'm worried or sad. I'm pretty sure my Confused Chimp Face is why the super nice girl at Dunkin' Donuts gave me 15 chocolate munchkins for the price of 3, plus a free vanilla chai, last week. Confused Chimp Face is my friend. But, "Fight Face?" The thought of Fight Face is giving me Confused Chimp Face. What if Fight Face pops out during a meeting, and I have no idea, and suddenly one of my co-workers asks if I want to step outside? Sunglasses? All the time?

Monday, December 14, 2015

Dog vs. Accordion...Dog Always Wins

This is a tough tune to play. I need eight hands and only have two hands. Yet I am judged harshly.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Incredible Infographics Explained by Algernon

Um, yeah. I am, um, Algernon. Others often volunteer me to do unpleasant things, and I am often sad about that. Today, it is my sad and unpleasant duty to try to explain this infographic.
Okay, my top 5 Takeaways are:
  1. Mice have nervous breakdowns? My heart has never ached for mice as much as it does right now.
  2. But, instead of having a nervous breakdown, that mouse looks like it got a cheap thrill by pressing the button. I am now very confused. I might be heading for a nervous breakdown involving pools of tears.
  3. Being an easy victim of Hitler looks hard: You gotta hold one leg up at a 90 degree angle. Ow. And only Hitler got to have hair--kind of a Donald Trump-like "Hair Awning," but at least hair.
  4. The Germans were very confused when the mouse became very confused and that caused WWII.
  5. At least the mouse got some cheese for awhile, man. Everybody else gets bubkes here.
Top Takeaway:
Everybody should just eat cheese and not fight each other or get zapped by electricity. Eat Cheese.

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Incredible Infographics Explained by Cappy

Hello! Cappy here. I've been known to hit the sauce a bit because everyone knows it is great for stress and general good times. So, I'll just give you a second to go mix me up a Harvey Wallbanger, and then we'll get started. As we know, Vitamin C is crucial to our health--so mix one up for you, too.
Thanks! Here's mud in your eye! Let's take a look at this Incredible Infographic and figure out our key takeaways. I think that...WAIT A GOSH DARN MINUTE HERE...what the heckamire is this?
Oh...whew. Sorry for flying off the handle. I think I've got this thing figured out. I was not hitherto familiar with the word "alcoholism," but alcoholism must be when you are lacking access to alcohol. Now this thing makes sense. Here are my key takeaways, and I'm sure they're yours, too...

1) #1 frame is missing a verb and some key words. "Educate community to sympathetic understanding." I would edit this to say: "Educate community to achieve a sympathic understanding that Cappy needs alcohol."
2) #2 frame is pretty straightforward. If Cappy gets sick, "Make medical treatment available and have a hot nurse bring Cappy a nice, big glass of booze."
3) #3 and #4 frames...that's all over my head, Professor. Where's the booze here? Stick to the point.
4) #5 frame. Now you're talkin', Professor! SUPPORT RESEARCH on how to get me more booze.
5) #6 frame. There's a frickin' TREE on top of the guy's frickin' HOUSE and he has a toxic waste-belching factory in the backyard. Whoever lives here needs a drink STAT.

TOP TAKEAWAY: I need another drink if you're gonna make me do this again. This stuff makes my mind all swimmy.

Dinosaurs + Stooges = Dinooges

Gyps and Swindles to Watch Out For!

Hi-ho...Lester here! I like to maintain a sense of cautious hopefulness about life, but sometimes I read things that make me nervous.
For example, I have been catching up on current trends in crime. Things have changed a lot since my time, and I think it's good to be hopeful plus informed about possible stranger danger, y'know?

According to this pamphlet I'm reading, you people come up with some complicated schemes...I care about you, so I'll give you the list of things to watch out for:

1) "Doctor Buncombe's Magic Electro-Vitamin Belt"--I know, right? Sounds great to me, but I guess it is supposed to be a bad idea cooked up by flim-flam men...BTW: Be on the look-out for "Viola Cream," "Vit-O-Net," and "Gland-Glad," too (you don't want to know why, just take my word for it).
2)  Anything that claims to cure: "Radio Ear," "Paralyzed Pores," "Germ Mask," and "Cheap Soap Complexion."
3) "Spanish Prisoner Fraud," "Canadian Slickers," and "Plantation Rackets."
4) Anyone that tries to sell you something related to "Gold from Ocean," "Height Increasing," "Hard Luck Stories," "Buried Treasures," "Popularity Contests," "Movie Screen Tests," and..."Panama Hats." I've always hoped to get a Panama hat--I think I'd look good in one--but my booklet says ix-nay, and I must say that has put the kibosh on my hopes...

Have a cautiously hopeful, yet informed, day!

Friday, December 11, 2015

Incredible Infographics Explained by Eli

Heigh-ho, I am Eli Ringtail-Tooter and I fight for justice every day except for Wednesdays. Each Wednesday, I bend my keen and agile legal mind to mastering the subtle art of decoupage.

Today, I'm here to explain how the pressure groups work (it's not enough to say "pressure groups," you need to say "the pressure groups"). First, what are YOUR key takeaways?

Okay: Is your takeaway that the pressure groups are stealthy, unprincipled mofos? SURE! That's one possible key takeaway. However, here are some other key takeaways:

1) You cannot have the pressure groups without a whole lot of the little rectangles and arrows.
2) If you take away the rectangles and arrows, you render the pressure groups powerless!
3) Be sure to take away the pressure groups' dark shading; they cannot be "under cover" without it.
4) Almost everyone in the pressure groups and general public is a blank-faced scary lookin' mofo.
5) Only propagandists have faces. They have two faces, plus a big diamond-shaped lollipop.
6) Are you a "front" or an "innocent"? I'm not sure which I am. It keeps me up at night.
7) Avoid all media. Death-ray-emitting radios that smite you in your armchair! Homicidal flying newspapers! Treacherously sliding billboards! Giant airborne textbooks!

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Incredible InfoGraphics Explained by Cappy

Ahoy there. I'm Cappy. This morning, I have already enjoyed several refreshing libations--Harvey Wallbangers, if you must know, because the orange juice is healthful in the a.m. My wits are keen, my analysis skills are laser sharp, and I am fully prepared to explain an extremely important Incredible Infographic to you!
First, what are YOUR key takeaways? I'll give you a few minutes to think about it while I go over and chat with my friend the bartender.

Okay. Are your takeaways that "Of every 20 epileptics who are not self-supporting 16 were found to be employable and of the remaining 4 one did not want to work, two according to their past records were not reliable, and only one could not work because of sickness"? WRONG! Here are the correct takeaways:

1) How are those 16 guys gonna fit into those tiny little boxes with the squiggly stuff on top? 
2) How can those tiny little boxes with the squiggly stuff on top result in gainful employment?
3) Those 16 guys march well, this is true. But: Do they think they can fit in there? They worry me.
4) Mr. One Guy Who Did Not Want to Work is...Mr. SMARTEST GUY, yo! He knows he is not gonna be able to fit in those tiny little boxes. He just sits back and says, "No thanks, dude. I'm good."
5) Mr. Two Guys Who Were Not Reliable are...ALSO Mr. Smartest Guys! If being reliable makes you march off and try to squeeze yourself into tiny little boxes I say it is a poor idea to be reliable.
6) Mr. One Guy Who Could Not Work Because of Sickness is...ALSO Mr. Smartest Guy! Between you, me, and the barkeep: His sickness is due to trying to squish himself into tiny little boxes with the squiggly stuff on top. He is sick of that and he would rather roam the fjords. Go little sick guy GO!

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Spanky's Book Report

But first, a word from Bertie:
And Spanky's Book Report.

Cowboys vs. Indians: Indians Always Win...Victory

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Gesture of the Day

Cocking a Snook aka Thumbing Your Nose aka Five-Finger Salute

Sunday, December 6, 2015

I Am Picking On YOU, Pyjama People!!!

Okay, PajamaGram People. Listen up!

1) Your slogan, "In a world that's bananas, send some pajamas," bugs me. Looky: "Bananas" does not rhyme with "Pajamas." Sorrrrrr-y. It does not. Now, I'm no expert, but I think you should go with this: "In a world that's a frighty, send 'em a nightie." No good? Okay. How about: "The world's all whambammy! Send out some damn jammies!" Thumbs down? Okay, I give up. But, "bananas" STILL does not rhyme with "pajamas."

2) I like "pyjamas" better than "pajamas." Why? I don't know. I just do. Make note of this, please.

3) You officially scare me with your PajamaJeansTM. I don't know what to make of them. I really don't. Nothing could be less like pyjamas (bleaah) than jeans. Thus, you are causing me some severe cognitive dissonance here. Jeans? That are jammies? And that you swear to me will "offer the fashionable look of your favorite jeans combined with the comfort of your favorite PJs." I say it's not possible. I also say that it is possible you are trying to make me look foolish. More foolish. Very foolish. Not everyone will look like this in your unnatural jeanjam hybrid.In a separate matter, why do you consider me a "Pajama VIP"? I only sent the two bathrobes that one time. I don't think that should make me a "Pajama VIP" (or a "Pyjama VIP," for that matter). Raise your standards for your VIPs.

4) What's that, PyjamaPeopleTM? This post is proof that I am becoming cranky in my old age? Yes. I agree. But, I'm still right, PyjamaPeople TM. Ohhhhh, yes I amana.


Dear PajamaGram People,

I admit it. I should not have taken that bold, scoffing, snide tone in my previous post. It was uncalled for. Your slogan is fine. It is just fine as is. Agreed? You like me now? We're okay now? Yaay!

So, here's the deal. Please stop sending me information about your new products. I already unsubscribed from your mailing list, so this is getting to be a little eerie--it's almost like you're coming up with products JUST to creep me out. I mean, are "SkiJs" really in your catalog or did you just take pictures of scary people wearing said aforementioned "SkiJs," and send them to me? Because I am severely discomfited.

1) It's too white. It's just too damn white. In every way.
2) If you show me a man dressed like that, please just show me his wife holding a gun on him (it can have a ski design, if you like) or brandishing a taser. The little dog could hold the taser if that would make for a cuter picture.
3) White carpet? DOG? No footprints on rug? That rug does not make me think about slipping into my "SkiJs" and relaxing. It makes me think, "Clean, clean, clean. Scrub, scrub, scrub."
4) Let me tell you what the woman just said, moments ago: "DARLING! Stop touching my hair! We're in our SkiJs! They're just meant for LOUNGING, nothing more. Here. Play with the chessmen." (Note the guy's gritted teeth and woman's contented smile. The dog looks like he's going to say "Are you sure you want to move that piece?")
5) Which raises a good point. Chess set? DOG? No chess pieces missing and in dog's stomach, ready to be removed for $2,000 by a smiling staff of vets who are all wearing SkiJs? HA.

Okay, I'm done for now. And, I hope I haven't been overly harsh. It's just that you're worrying me.

All best wishes to you and yours,

P.S. What's next? Really! I'm kinda interested. Scared, but interested!