Monday, December 29, 2014

Hiding Tips from the Movies and Books

Rex: "Relax. This is an impenetrable disguise."

1) When choosing a disguise, don't hesitate to improvise with whatever is handy--seaweed, hats with veils, small pets, etc. Suits of armor and haystacks are especially good, so it's wise to invest in one or two of each and have them with you at all times.
2) Follow the rules for impenetrable disguises. Remember: A fake beard can be a false friend; do not use one that will come off as you eat your soup. Also: If you are a short, fat man dressed as a jungle princess, do not use flowers in your disguise that will make you sneeze.
3) Do not stand behind a long, lush velvet drape with your shoes sticking out unless you have a secret desire to be shish-kebabed with a sword.
4) Today's villains are regrettably savvy. Do not hide in the closet, under the bed, in the shower, or behind a telephone pole.
5) Do not hide in a refrigerator. Even if there is room to do so and there are good leftovers to eat, just do not do so.
6) Rather than hiding, sometimes it is a good idea to freak out the villains by running towards them yelling, "I love you! I love you! I love you!" Of course, only do this if you are a heavily-armed, bitter cop with nothing left to lose.
7) If you decide to hide in a clothes hamper or tall, wicker market basket make sure that there are many other such baskets around so that you will blend in. Note: A clothes hamper or tall, wicker market basket standing all on its own in a town square is a known villain magnet.
8) It can be fun to dive into a round, metal garbage can. Rest assured, if you dive into one, it starts rolling down a hill in San Francisco, and the villains must give chase, you will turn a drama into a comedy! Of course, if you roll into the path of a cable car, you will turn the comedy back into a drama in seconds.
9) Do not hide on the second floor of a barn. You know that the villain will walk in and say, "I know you're up there, now come on down before I have to come and get you." Strangely, this sounds like something your mother would say. But, the villain is not there to call you in for supper. No, he is not. Avoid the barn altogether.
10) And, please. Avoid the well. I know it looks all safe and stuff. Just avoid it. Thank you.