Saturday, December 20, 2014

An Elite Team of Rescue Experts--Part II

As you might recall, Bertie escaped from the evil clutches of the robots, but his dinosaur pals got kidnapped...
...and they are now being held captive.
Bertie is their only hope for rescue, and--
"HEY! What about you, Sparkle? Don't you take any responsibility for this mess o' worms?" --and as I was saying, Bertie is their only hope for rescue. It turns out that he's pretty dang picky about the rescue team.
"I am not picky, I am selective."
Yeah, whatever. I'm just saying that I went to great lengths to recruit a solid team, and you eschewed them all.
"What do you mean I 'eschewed' them? I swear to god! I didn't lay a hand on any of them--Bertie don't swing that way. Oh, oh, okay. 'Eschewed.' Well, darn straight I 'eschewed' them. A sickly non-magical elf, a creepy kid in a fez, and Mr. Anger Management Problem? They were supposed to help me?"
Just keep an open mind this time, okay? I'm going to give this another try. Ready?
"Sure. But, don't give me more of the same-same."
Just check out the candidates, Bertie. I'm not gonna talk about this with you right now.
"Okay, Sparkle? Am I wrong about this? Do my eyes deceive me? Are you suggesting that I 'grow my own' Tippy the Turtle? Does the fact that this package is covered with warnings such as, 'Like all turtles, Tippy is very slow' and 'Tippy is very shy' DISCOURAGE you at all? Do these seem like ideal qualities for a rescue expert to have? Plus, while it's nifty that 'Tippy will give me hours of enjoyment,' Tippy seems to define enjoyment as swinging--as opposed to training a death ray on a bunch of nogoodnik robots. Remove this carefree turtle from my sight!" "Well, this is kind of neat. This is a bit more like it. Hmmm. Grow a pirate. Not bad. Not bad at all. But, what if he, y'know, questions my authority? He looks a little defiant to me, standing there with his hands--oops, his hand and his hook--on his hips. What if he's more of a leader-type than a follower-type, and he won't obey orders and just sneaks around--well, as sneakily as his wooden leg will allow--yarrring snidely under his breath and mocking me? What then? See, I think the pirate is good because he's bloodthirsty, but I have my hesitations. Plus, he doesn't have any transportation." "Oh, okay. I see you've planned for that. So, do you think this thing is really going to grow to be 600% its size? If so, it might do us some good. Otherwise, you should just suspend it from your rearview mirror or turn it into an earring or something." "Aw-right, aw-right. This is more like it. Super Growing Dinosaurs! All I need is a la-bor-a-tor-y and I can mold 'em to my will from the very get-go; I will be their dinosaur king! Just one thing. Could you check out the fine print on the package and tell me if there are any chicks in there? I'm just...curious."