Sunday, December 21, 2014

An Elite Team of Rescue Experts--Part I

Hey, Bertie. I guess your plan turned out to have some unforeseen glitches?
"I don't really feel like talking to you today, Sparkle."
Aw, c'mon. Chin up, my boy! I promise I'll help you. In fact, today I've pulled in an elite team of rescue experts who I think will be able to help you rescue your dinosaur pals.
"Really? No fooling?"
You bet! I'll tell you what, I'll bring 'em in and you can interview them, okay?
"Uh, hello, my friend. Am I correct in my assumption that you are a small, one-armed elf who is somewhat on the fragile side...a little sickly maybe?"
 "Yes, that is quite accurate."
"Okaaaaaaaaay. But, you must be able to do some incredible magic, right?"
"I don't know. Maybe. I've never really tried. I just like to read and stay quiet. Sometimes, I make casseroles for church suppers, and I like to do a little light gardening if I'm feeling well."
GEEZ! What's the matter, Bertie? You don't like The Sensational Mr. Elf?
"Well he seems like a lovely lad, Sparkle, but how exactly is he sensational? Can you tell me that? Because I'm pretty sure that he is a perfect kind of little guy for the robots to just, you know, shut up in a robot locker and flush his books down the john."
Gee. I didn't know you were so narrow-minded, Bertie. But, whatever you say, big guy! I'll bring in the next one.
"Uh, hi there! It's, uh, very kind of you to give me a ride on your handlebars even before we are formally introduced, and, uh..." (SPARKLE! GET THIS CREEPY KID AWAY FROM ME! IX-NAY! IXNAY!)
C'mon, Bertie! What's wrong with The Biker Chimp? He has impeccable credentials and he comes with WHEELS. You have to admit that'll come in handy!
"Sparkle, could you please get me some bicarbonate of soda?"
Well, sure. But, why don't you meet the next guy first?
"Oh, very well."
"YIKES! Uh, simmer down, big guy. Simmer down, there. You're making me feel a little tense. I mean, I'm sure this goes over big with the ladies and whatnot, but this can't be good for your blood pressure. Look, please sit down. You're making me nervous."
"Well, that's much better, isn't it? Look, I'm going to ask you a question now and I want you to give me an honest, straightforward answer. And, don't get mad, okay? For the love of mike, don't get mad."
"So, do you now, or have you ever, taken steroids?"
"Oh, shit. Sparkle? Sparkle?"