Monday, December 22, 2014
Bertie To the Rescue!
Bertie is trying to rescue his friends from the evil clutches of the unknown metal men of sophisticated peril, and--
"Look, sister. Don't even try to pretend that you're writing this story because you ain't doin' squat. I'VE figured out a bold escape scheme, and I'M going to get out there and rescue the guys in my clever, impenetrable DISGUISE."
Well, it looks like Bertie's feeling a little miffed that I've neglected the story a little teeny tiny bit for a just a minute or two. I can't help it, I've--
"Zip it, ya dizzy dame. Here I am, completely Lon Cheneyed up in my sophisticated robot disguise. They will NEVER KNOW that I am not one of them. I shall infiltrate their ranks and I will FREE the other dinosaurs! NO thanks to YOU, I might add."
Wow! I had no idea you were so mad at me, Bertie! I'm sorry, I--
"Okay, okay, okay. Yap yap yap. Blah blah blah, Ginger. Just sit back and watch the master at work. Learn, baby, learn."
"Ah, hello. I am exactly like you except more powerful. I have come to inspect your, uh, facilities here."
"I, uh, understand that you are holding some dinosaurs captive. I will need to see these dinosaurs." (See, Sparkle? See how easy this is? YOU DUFUS!) "I am, uh, a highly-trained dinosaur inspectionalist. That is my job. That is my way." (See how you build a plot, Sparkle? SEE?) "I think that you will find my methods to be quite fair, and you will learn a lot. Yes, you will learn a lot from my highly-honed inspectional expertisemah. I shall--WUZZAT?" (Sparkle! Can you explain what's happening here? SPARKLE! Where are you? Uh, could you give me an assist? I, uh...)
Schmerzoo 500: I called Mama. She was so happy she cried. She wants you to have her wedding gown. It's white lace.
Bertie: Yeah, Schmerzoo 500. I can't get married in your mother's dress. Ha ha. That-she and I, we are not built the same way.
Schmerzoo 500: We can have it altered.
Bertie: Aw no you don't! Schmerzoo 500, I'm gonna level with you. We can't get married at all.
Schmerzoo 500: Why not?
Bertie: Well, in the first place, I'm not a natural silver.
Schmerzoo 500: Doesn't matter.
Bertie: I smoke. I smoke all the time.
Schmerzoo 500: I don't care.
Bertie: Well, I have a terrible past. For three years now, I've been living with an Australopithecus.
Schmerzoo 500: I forgive you.
Bertie: I can never have children.
Schmerzoo 500 (unperturbed): We can adopt some.
Bertie: But you don't understand, Schmerzoo 500. (He whips off his foil, exasperated, and changes to a dinosaur voice.) Uh, I'm a dinosaur.
Schmerzoo 500 (unruffled, undaunted, and still in love): Well, nobody's perfect.*
*With a tip of the hat to "Some Like It Hot," from which this dialogue is 100% stolen.