Wednesday, October 28, 2015

How to Do Everything (I read the pamphlets so you don't have to!)

How to Recycle: Dump everything into one can and throw it anywhere!
What Happens When You Smoke Marijuana: You stand around and make fun of your friend who is cold and scared because he has not smoked marijuana. 
How to Develop Your Leadership Skills: Convince People to Follow You Blindly Up a Staircase to Nowhere! 
Improve Your Interpersonal Skills by Forcing Others to Shake Hands! 
If Your Coworker is Crouched Down with a Globe On His Shoulders, Don't Ponder It--Run. There is a Gun Behind That Globe.  
Improve Your Listening Skills by Growing Ears!  
Now that You Are A Young Lady, You Will Spend Hours Staring Into Lockers...
Get a Load of This! Natural Gas is Cuddly and Fun! Play with It! 
If A Stopwatch Falls on Your Friend, Fondle Him!  
In An Emergency, Wave Goodbye to All You Hold Dear.
If You Cannot Get Cocaine, Your Brain Will Break In Two.  
If You Are Making Out and Question Marks Appear in the Air, Be Very Worried.

You and Your Attitude Have Scary Roundy Heads.
If Your Older Relatives are "Problem Drinkers," You Might Need to Remind Them Where They Hid the Booze.
To Conserve Your Hearing on the Job, Tune Out Your Coworkers. Tune them alllll out. 
If You Try to Be Abstinent, A Big Bed Will Follow You Wherever You Go. So, Don't Bother. 
You Do Not Want to Know About "Universal Precautions." Rubber Glove? 'nuff Said. 
Poop is Shaped Like Flowers. Do Not Mistake It For Flowers.  
Conserve Water? Why? It is Plentiful and Jolly and Loves Being Squandered! 
If You Allow Yourself to Be Crucified at Work, That's a Winning Attitude, Mister!