Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Monsters 'n Stuff!

Don't get me wrong. I love Rhode Island. I love the families of Rhode Island. I just didn't know that the families of Rhode Island have no faces. The puppies do. The seagulls do. The snowmen do. The teddy bears do. But, the families do not. I think I am most haunted by the sad, faceless boy with the rake and the slumbering faceless tot in the crib. Aiiiiiiie!

I've seen a lot of good scary movies and a lot of bad scary movies in my time, and I've had a ton of opportunities to think through what to do if I get in a pickle with a monster or maniac. I have two strategies:

1) First Line of Defense: Spray the monster or maniac with GladeTM air freshener. Question: Why GladeTM air freshener? Answer: It is readily available, you will perfume the air, AND you will deliver a dose of stinging chemicals that should give you a chance to run like hell. Question: Can a generic brand work as well as GladeTM? Answer: I do not know. Possibly so.
When I hear a scary noise, I go for the Glade. I probably got this idea from the 1980s movie "Death Valley" starring a young Peter Billingsley. I think within the first 8 seconds of this movie a bunch of hormonal, partying teenagers (this seals their doom) are slaughtered in a horrifying tableau. You know this: The 1980s were a very, very bad time to be a hormonal, partying teenager in a horror movie. Anyway, young Peter Billingsley was kind of a sour-faced little kid in this movie who was dissatisfied with his mother's new boyfriend and forced to be on a road trip with his mother and the new boyfriend. This made him VERY ready to fight back against the forces of evil. As I recall, he did a fine job overall--particularly in a scene in which he used, like, 18 different products that were in the bathroom to put the big hurt on the evil teen-julienning cowboy. Peter Billingsley: He'll spray your eye out!
2) Second Line of Defense: My vaudeville routine.
I believe that the vast majority of monsters and maniacs might be able to be dissuaded from their path of evil by a show--a little light entertainment. So, over the years I have put together a solid 20 minutes of material that includes the "Who's On First" routine, some dynamite "Knock-Knock" jokes, and juggling with various items including, yet not limited, to GladeTM air freshener (just in case).

I happen to like Mr. Charles Bronson, but this was a pretty dreadful movie. The acting was horrible, but what's worse is that five, strapping student nurses who KNEW they shouldn't open the dang front door could not find a way to thwart a NAKED homicidal maniac AND they had access to GladeTM air freshener. The movie is maddening. The evil fiend is human, he's naked and his jumblies are all exposed and swinging in the breeze, and GladeTM air freshener is close at hand, yet still he prevails in his evil doings. Maddening.

No. I wasn't really a dumpling in these photos--I just look like one.
I wanted to be a gypsy. I was assigned to be a princess. That year, my sister and I were both spiking fevers and we couldn't go out. So, there was an improvised little festival of fun at home. We wore my mom's old party dresses, with 18 layers of clothing underneath and several layers on top to keep our fever-shivering little bodies warm. And there were games of chance! Like, the apple-hanging-from-a-string challenge that seemed to give my sister such trouble, but that I conquered immediately. Mother: "Hey! It looks like Sparkle got a bite from the hanging apple! Good for you, honey! How'd you do that?" Sister: Yeaaaah (disbelieving tone in voice). How'd you DO that?!" Sparkle: Why, it was easy! Let me show you!" Mother: "Okay, honey! Do it again and I'll take a picture of you!"
Sister: "I THOUGHT so!"

I just found a very entertaining posse of bloggers who like to write about pop culture stuff and who are focusing on Halloween. These include the guy with the evil plastic pumpkin (keep scrolling down), secret fun guy, and the guy with the cool masks--as well as others they link to who I haven't had a chance to check out. ENJOY!