Don't get me wrong. I love Rhode Island. I love the families of Rhode Island. I just didn't know that the families of Rhode Island have no faces. The puppies do. The seagulls do. The snowmen do. The teddy bears do. But, the families do not. I think I am most haunted by the sad, faceless boy with the rake and the slumbering faceless tot in the crib. Aiiiiiiie!
I've seen a lot of good scary movies and a lot of bad scary movies in my time, and I've had a ton of opportunities to think through what to do if I get in a pickle with a monster or maniac. I have two strategies:
1) First Line of Defense: Spray the monster or maniac with GladeTM air freshener. Question: Why GladeTM air freshener? Answer: It is readily available, you will perfume the air, AND you will deliver a dose of stinging chemicals that should give you a chance to run like hell. Question: Can a generic brand work as well as GladeTM? Answer: I do not know. Possibly so.
When I hear a scary noise, I go for the Glade. I probably got this idea from the 1980s movie "Death Valley" starring a young Peter Billingsley. I think within the first 8 seconds of this movie a bunch of hormonal, partying teenagers (this seals their doom) are slaughtered in a horrifying tableau. You know this: The 1980s were a very, very bad time to be a hormonal, partying teenager in a horror movie. Anyway, young Peter Billingsley was kind of a sour-faced little kid in this movie who was dissatisfied with his mother's new boyfriend and forced to be on a road trip with his mother and the new boyfriend. This made him VERY ready to fight back against the forces of evil. As I recall, he did a fine job overall--particularly in a scene in which he used, like, 18 different products that were in the bathroom to put the big hurt on the evil teen-julienning cowboy. Peter Billingsley: He'll spray your eye out!
2) Second Line of Defense: My vaudeville routine.
I believe that the vast majority of monsters and maniacs might be able to be dissuaded from their path of evil by a show--a little light entertainment. So, over the years I have put together a solid 20 minutes of material that includes the "Who's On First" routine, some dynamite "Knock-Knock" jokes, and juggling with various items including, yet not limited, to GladeTM air freshener (just in case).THE MOST FRUSTRATING MOVIE EVER WITH THE WORST ACTING
I happen to like Mr. Charles Bronson, but this was a pretty dreadful movie. The acting was horrible, but what's worse is that five, strapping student nurses who KNEW they shouldn't open the dang front door could not find a way to thwart a NAKED homicidal maniac AND they had access to GladeTM air freshener. The movie is maddening. The evil fiend is human, he's naked and his jumblies are all exposed and swinging in the breeze, and GladeTM air freshener is close at hand, yet still he prevails in his evil doings. Maddening.THE YEAR I WAS A DUMPLING FOR HALLOWEEN
No. I wasn't really a dumpling in these photos--I just look like one.
I wanted to be a gypsy. I was assigned to be a princess. That year, my sister and I were both spiking fevers and we couldn't go out. So, there was an improvised little festival of fun at home. We wore my mom's old party dresses, with 18 layers of clothing underneath and several layers on top to keep our fever-shivering little bodies warm. And there were games of chance! Like, the apple-hanging-from-a-string challenge that seemed to give my sister such trouble, but that I conquered immediately. Mother: "Hey! It looks like Sparkle got a bite from the hanging apple! Good for you, honey! How'd you do that?" Sister: Yeaaaah (disbelieving tone in voice). How'd you DO that?!" Sparkle: Why, it was easy! Let me show you!" Mother: "Okay, honey! Do it again and I'll take a picture of you!"
Sister: "I THOUGHT so!"SPOOKY FUN
I just found a very entertaining posse of bloggers who like to write about pop culture stuff and who are focusing on Halloween. These include the guy with the evil plastic pumpkin (keep scrolling down), secret fun guy, and the guy with the cool masks--as well as others they link to who I haven't had a chance to check out. ENJOY!
11 comments:
No, no no, no...the worst movie EVER is Highlander IV. It's the only movie I've ever walked out of...and I'd have demanded my money back if I hadn't gotten in for free to start with.
Hmmm, that maybe should've been my first hint.
Oh and I don't have spray air fresheners at home...I have a little plug-in Glade one and I have potpourri. I can't see that either would be much use against monsters. DAMN!
What about hairspray? I think I might have some of that somewhere...
I am giggling too much to comment.
I will have scary childhood pics on my blog tomorrow. My son has been laughing at them. Tonight he sleeps in the shed. I haven't even got a shed.
Great pics.
Hang on!! Not that I plan my blogs you understand.
That would be sad.
Very sad.
Wasn't there a Salvador Dali-designed dream sequence in an Alfred Hitchcock movie that involved a man without a face? "Spellbound" possibly?
You make a fine gypsy. Turns out the gypsy child was stolen away by royalty and made to live amid luxury and splendor as a princess. She didn't mind too much. It kept her in apples.
All that said, some more dinosaur pictures would be nice, too. Maybe you could Flickr a few for us, if you're not ready to offer the next installment of the perils of pterodactyls?
-- Lamont "Rhode Island May Be Scary, But Georgia Is Just Plain Terrifying" Cranston
The husband and I are both from Rhode Island originally.
The faceless families are only one of the scary things about the state. Rhode Island style chowder (i.e. clear broth style) is another.
Rhody does have the best clam cakes in the world though. Especially with a fluffy butterclam frosting. MMmmmmmm.
Hiya, Royal Cakiness!!! YES: Hairspray is almost as good as GladeTM. There might be at least one scene in some movie in which someone turns a can of hairspray into a kind of flame-thrower or zombie-bomb. I wouldn't try that at home, 'though.
Hiya, Queen Jayne! Ooooh! I can't wait to see the scary childhood pics tomorrow on YOUR BIRTHDAY. If I get my sh*t together, you shall have a b'day blog. (Uh, not that I plan them or anything.)
Hiya, Lamont!!! Hitherto, you have alluded to your post-secondary sojurn below the Mason-Dixon line... Whoa. Let me back up and speak English. You'll have to tell us about your scary, four-year midnight train to Georgia ride some time! (Would GladeTM have helped? A vaudeville routine?)
1) YES to the Salvador Dali dream sequence! Now, I know: The dude was from RI!
2) You betcha re: the dinosaurs, mister, and I have NOT forgotten your History Joyride request.
Hiya, LOIS!!! I really do love Rhode Island. Hellllloooo...hot wieners! Hellllo...Buddy Cianci! Helloo, "cabinet!" Helllooo Mario Hilario!!! Helloo, coffee milk! Hellooo "stuffies"! Hellloo, Dave's supermarkets! I'm working on a theory that men call each other "Bud" more often there, but I might not have enough evidence to prove this yet. (Plus: I've got my GladeTM if I meet any of these faceless families.)
No, generic air freshner does not work as well as GladeTM when it comes to fending off homicidal mainiacs and I have a garden trowl shaped scar on my right shoulder to prove it. Never buy off-brand when your personal safety is at stake.
And 10 To Midnight may be the worse movie ever, but now I'm going to have to track it down because you didn't explain why the maniac was all nekkid and nude and stuff. How could you leave me hanging (no pun intended) like that?
Oh, yeah... I was planning this year's Halloween blog posts about six months ago. Does that mean I'm really, really, really sad or that I'm The Coolest Guy Ever!
Probably that first one, right?
I don't do air fresheners at all (because I always naturally smell s'durn good) but there's usually a squirt bottle of bleach under the sink. That's my plan. If it doesn't get rid of the boogey monster, at least he will be clean.
Hiya, Steven A.!!! Thanks for setting us straight re: the efficacy of generic air freshener, 'cause I wouldn't want to be responsible for something grisly and ghoulish happening. I think that pre-planning your blog is COOL (and I will continue to claim this even in the face of compelling evidence to the contrary). OOOOH, NO. Please do not watch that movie. Puh-leeze. Or, make Plastic Jack watch it and brief you.
Hiya, EGE!!!! I think bleach is pretty good, but I prefer a concentrated aerosol or pump spray to a squirt that might dribble away inconsequentially in the heat of the moment and leave the monster or maniac untouched. Careful there!
The best maniac preventative is to NOT open your stinkin' mirrored medicine cabinet, especially if their is a shower behing you! No need to worry about squirting yourself with Glade/hairspray/bleach then.
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