Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Simple Requests for Movie-Making People

Dear Movie-Making People,

I have been watching movies for many years now, and I have some very simple requests to make:

1) You scarred me very, very deeply with the movie "Ring of Bright Water" in which an adorable otter is killed by a ditch-digger. Pay me $50,000. Now.

2) Give me zany outtakes at the end of each movie--no matter how serious or Oscar-worthy. You know you have them. Gimme. If you think your movie's ending is weak, just skip the ending and add more outtakes.

3) Do not make a movie with "Hannah Montana." What? You are? STOP IT! Just stop it right now. I can hear you! You're not stopping! STOP!

4) Any movie that has a little child in peril--especially you foreign films, you know who you are--must get the little child OUT of peril before the credits roll. "Cinematic integrity" be damned. If you don't know how to get the child out of peril, call me and I will tell you.

5) All gentle, coming-of-age films in which a teenager "learns something unforgettable" during "one magical summer" must include an explosion. No, wait. They must contain three explosions and Steve McQueen. Huh? Steve McQueen has been dead for many years? I don't care. You're movie guys. Bring him back.

6) While you're at it, bring back Walter Matthau. Zombie Walter Matthau will be fine.

7) I like the Cusacks. Make more Cusacks.

8) Make a movie with Hugh Grant wearing a fat suit. Do it.

9) Make a movie with Michael Caine and James Garner. Do it. Do it before it is too late.

10) You know how somebody just said, "Maybe it's time for Steven Seagal to make a comeback?" It is not.

11) Remake "The Omega Man." Huh? That's a good idea? NO, that's not a good idea. That was a test because you're always remaking movies that were just fine as is. Get your stinkin' paws off "The Omega Man," you damned dirty apes.

12) Remake "Reservoir Dogs" with The Wiggles or maybe The Teletubbies. Huh? You think I'm joking. I'm not. Do it.

Thank you for your time and consideration!