Sunday, October 13, 2013

Dear Ms. Sims: Please Write About Sea Monkeys Instead

Dear Ms. Sims,

DUDE. What is WRONG with you? It takes a lot to get me riled up. You, madam, and I use that word advisedly, have done so.

MS. SIMS: WTF?! This is my Cousin Ralph, and Ralph does not look right in this picture. Nothing looks right about Ralph. Even his poor little feet look all weird.

I don't want to sound overly harsh, because I appreciate creative endeavors of all sorts, so let me try to approach this with great delicacy. How dare you pimp out Ralph, you vile infidel? Ralph is not very bright, but before this all he liked to do was collect bookmarks. Plus, he liked cheese curls. Those two things--nothing sketchy.

We are not afraid to work blue on Dinosaur Casserole, but DUDE...this is not right. What did you do to Ralph? What did you do to Ralph's poor little shriveled feet?

The chick looks okay--but please explain something. According to your book's description on Amazon.com, "Dianne is a shepherd watching over flock of sheep." How many shepherds do you know who wear bikinis? (I know zero shepherds who wear bikinis.) All of the shepherds that I know (and I know a lot) wear thick sweaters (made of wool).

When you say "watching over flock of sheep," did you get all excited by the plot and leave out a key pronoun? Is this Dianne's flock of sheep? If it is not Dianne's flock of sheep, maybe that's why she's wearing the bikini? She's a stewardess, maybe, and not a shepherd?  I could accept that.

"But when a flock of pterodactyls attack, Dianne has no choice but to use herself as bait to draw their attention away from her precious flock." Okay...okay...We have two flocks here--we're working with two flocks of different species and it's very, very confusing. Can you please rewrite this? And, so..okay...this IS Dianne's flock of sheep? Instead of confusing poor Ralph and prancing around in her yellow bikini (that no shepherd has ever owned or worn) why doesn't she simply direct the poor, starving pterodactyls to the nearest Burger King? They love Burger King. Taco Bell will do in a pinch. Really: No need to strip down and confuse Ralph.

WHAT? No, no, Rex. I'm sure she doesn't mean you. I'm sure it's not you.

Okay: Nice going, Ms. Sims. You just depressed Rex. In your description of "T-Rex Troubles," did you HAVE to say "Warning: This is a tale of monster sex." Rex does NOT consider himself to be a monster, so unless you are referring to "Layla" who "hunts for her tribe" as a monster, you've got a lawsuit on your hands, missy.

Look. I'm begging you. Stop writing about us. Stop. Stop right now. Sea Monkeys. Go write about Sea Monkeys, okay? Go ahead and call them monsters--they won't care, they're defiant types.

Sincerely,
Charlie-Bob