Tuesday, November 10, 2015

The Crisis of Many Plys

Until recently, I had everything all worked out toilet paper-wise. The only logical choice is, of course, your basic, garden-variety Scott tissue. It's unscented, it has 1,000 sheets per roll, and it promises septic safeness--meaning that it protects our poop systems from giant alligators.Furthermore, scientists have proven that Scott tissue eliminates Bolsheviks from your bathroom. I don't object to Bolsheviks, but their scowling, smoldering demeanor and disturbing moustaches tend to disrupt my morning routine. So: Preventing giant alligators + eliminating Bolsheviks = a big, ol' selling point.
There is one drawback to using Scott tissue. It can be disarming when "Mr. Thirsty Fibre" decides to pay a morning visit. This may be my bad--not his. We have been on distant terms since I called attention to the fact that he looks like he has been shopping in Mr. Peanut's closet. He has a short fuse on the best of days, and he did not appreciate my casual observation on his attire.
Yet, my problems with Mr. Thirsty Fibre pale in comparison to the many plied crisis at hand. What do I do about these new options? Which is best? Do I go with the kind that speaks Spanish? "Suave, Fuerte...Duradero" sounds much better than "Soft, Strong...Lasts Long"--even 'though it does not rhyme quite as well.Or, do I go with Scott Naturals? Its constant showboating about its "2-ply softness that gets the job done" (see bottom left corner of picture below) makes me wonder about the kind I use now--which does NOT claim to "get the job done." Does Scott original tissue leave the job undone? Is that what they're implying? If so, it is a haunting thought.And, what about this new tube-less kind? How will I feel when I get to the center of the roll and there's nothing there? Will it be sort of magical (ta-DAH!)? Will it be annoying when the roll dissolves to nothingness at halftime? Will it make me feel sentimental about the old, tubed rolls of my youth? Will it make me try to count up how many toilet paper tubes I've thrown away over my lifetime? And, most importantly, could this writer possibly have gotten an easier headline to write?
Okay--later. I've got some decision-making to do.