It's Sunday. You're slumped on the couch in your PajamaJeansTM, drinking coffee and doing vital work. Perhaps it is vital work for the United States government. Perhaps it is vital work that focuses on staring at your toes and deciding which one does not look like a sad hobo. Really, does it matter what you're doing? It's key, life-saving work and you're doing it slumped on your couch as you drink coffee and cram a couple of leftover brownie fragments in your piehole. Brain food for vital job-doing worker people.
You happen to glance up. You freeze like a dik dik being stalked by a lion. Two well-dressed women have exited a late model sedan and are slowwwwwly walking down your driveway toward the doorstep, arms loaded with what you can tell are bibles, bible accessories, bible study sign-up forms on clipboards, and...
YES! Many, many copies of the Jehovah's Witness publication The Watchtower.
SURVIVAL SCENARIO QUIZ: FAST! What do you do? You are crouched down in frozen dik dik mode, the well-dressed ladies are getting closer, closer, closer...What DO you do?
1) You greet them at the door and say in a calm, pleasant, adult manner: "Good morning, ladies! What a beautiful day. I'm sorry, I do not share your religious beliefs. However, I like to keep an open mind and I will be glad to take a look at any materials you would like to leave with me. If you'll excuse me now, I have to go milk a pretend goat." (25 points: This is pretty good. Wait. Are you still wearing your pyjamas? 'cause that's a little weird. 15.5 points if you're still in the jammies. Either way: Solid survival strategy. Classy.)
2) Flee out the back door and down into the woods, making the characteristic "Dik dik! Dik dik!" noise of your kind. (10 points: Dinosaur Casserole rewards cowardice. This is an okay survival choice, but how long can you stay in the woods? At best, this is a survival stop-gap.)
3) Greet them at the door naked, wearing only a big smile. Invite them in for coffee. (0 points: They will probably come in and THEN where will you be...cold, naked, and far from relaxing. Poor survival choice.)
4) Greet them at the door in a long black velveteen robe, arms filled with pagan literature. Invite them to a free pagan study group. (0-75 points: Dinosaur Casserole cannot imagine having the cojones to do this, but if someone did...possibly 75 points.)
5) Run to the bedroom, pull on your jeans, and greet them on the front doorstep in your jammy top and jeans. (.675 points: This is not an effective survival strategy. Yet, you are awarded points because you are doomed to choose #5. Your grandmother regularly welcomed visits from Jehovah's Witnesses because she saw it as a great opportunity to try to convert them to Methodism and always said "Those Jehovah ladies seem so lonely, bless their hearts..." after a visit.)
They're nice. They always are. You're polite. You always are. On tiptoe, after you've exchanged all pleasantries and are ready to grab The Watchtower and head on back to complete your vital couch-based work, you lean towards the door beaming your goodbye. But, they ask you a question.
JWs: "We're asking everybody today, how do you deal with family problems? What is YOUR secret of family success?"
Dik Dik: "Well, I guess my secret of success is that I don't have any family problems."
JWs' faces fall.
Dik Dik: "Well, humor. I guess if I had any family problems I would deal with them...with humor."
JW1: "That's a GREAT answer! It SHOULD be one of the secrets of family success in this publication."
Dik Dik The Editor (well, why isn't it? Weave together Secret 1: The Right Priorities with Secret 7: A Firm Foundation--there are bound to be redundancies in those two--and make Humor the new Secret 7): "Okey-dokey!"
JW2: "Let me show you a scripture that is all about humor."
Dik Dik: "All righty!"
Survival Scenario Sunday Lesson Learned: That scripture was NOT about humor.
Survival Scenario Sunday Discussion Questions:
1) Which of my toes does not look like a sad hobo?
2) If I owned a goat, what would its Secrets of Family Success be?
3) Have any Jehovah's Witnesses ever been converted by elderly ladies of another faith?
Have a great Sunday, and here at Dinosaur Casserole we want you to go out there and Survive Anything! today.