Monday, July 14, 2008

Part 1: Stuff Not To Say

Man: "Baby! 'member when we were at the party on the Fourth and everybody went swimming? You looked just like a movie star in that bathing suit!"
Woman: "Nuh-UH."
Man: "Uh-huh. Really! Really! I swear!"
Woman: "Really? Because I was feeling like it didn't fit very well--you know, it feels too tight in some spots and too loose in others. And, I was having a bad butt day. But, a movie star? Who?"
Man (snapping fingers): "I can see her, but I just can't remember that name. Movies. Movies. Real bosomy. Blonde."
Woman: "Bosomy? Movies? Scarlet Johanssen? Drew Barrymore?"
Man: "No...no...movies...TV..."
Woman: "Bosomy. TV. Kristin Chenoweth? I don't think she was in movies, 'though, I think she was on Broadway and--"
Man: "SHELLEY WINTERS!"*
Woman: Silence.
Man (happy sigh): "Wow, I pulled that one outta nowhere. Yep. Ol' Shelley was in the movies and then she was on Roseanne. Ah, yeah. Good ol' Shelley Winters."
Woman: Silence.
Man: "They don't call me the Trivia King for nothin'! Woo! I'm #1! I'm #1!"
Woman: "Would you be referring to Young Shelley Winters or Old Shelley Winters?"
Man: "Well, ya know, oldish. The Poseidon Adventure! Shelley Winters in The Poseidon Adventure!"**

Woman (staring straight ahead): Silence.
Man (glancing through magazine): Contented silence.
Woman: "What exactly about that suit makes you think of Shelley Winters in The Poseidon Adventure? She wears a dress."
Man: "Huh! I guess you're right. Your suit is kinda brown and shiny, 'though, isn't it?"
Woman: "It is 'mocha.'"
Man: "Yeah, whatever. And, I guess it's the way it fits somehow. The thought suddenly came to me as you were standing by the side of the pool and you had your arms up and were getting ready to jump in."
Woman: "The way it fits?"
Man: "Hey! Where do you want to have dinner tonight?"
Woman: "I do not particularly care."
Man: "Okay! Let's try the new Chinese place!"
Woman: "You know, I think I'd just like to skip dinner."
Man: "Why? Ya comin' down with something?"
Woman: "Whatever."
Man (looking up from magazine, seeing woman's face): "Oh, shit. "

BONUS! STUFF NOT TO SAY TO MAKE THINGS BETTER
1)"Old Shelley Winters is HOT!"
2) "WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! I didn't mean Shelley Winters in Poseidon Adventure! I meant Shelley Fabares in Girl Happy! With Young Elvis! I must have a brain tumor that is making my mouth say things that my brain is not thinking! Peppersteak! Flopdoodle!"
3) "I meant you're a strong swimmer like Shelley Winters! Shelley Winters was a totally awesome swimmer! She saved their BACON!"

Ed. Notes:
*I love Shelley Winters--no disrespect intended. She once described her life as "A rocky road out of the Brooklyn ghetto to one New York apartment, two Oscars, three California houses, four hit plays, five Impressionist paintings, six mink coats and 99 films.” Woo, Shelley. To be fair, she had plenty of her own glamour shots:
And here, have a Shelley action figure:

**In fact, the picture of swimming Shelley shown above is an actor named Steve Kimbrough! Good job, Steve Kimbrough!