Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Let's Ask Mother's Encyclopedia!

This is the Mother's Encyclopedia, Volumes Ps (Psychiatric Help, How to Get You Some) to Sm (Smoking--how to get your child hooked, how many packs a day to start with, etc.) and So (Social Maturity Scale--no, you do NOT get to know what my score is) to W (Worry, 'nuff said).
Here is a cheery illustration of mothers glaring suspiciously at the pack of smirking, sulky, potentially defective children swirling around them:
So, let's get started and ask the Mother's Encyclopedia some questions.
Cookin' w/Gas: "What should I feed my child?"
Mother's: "What are you crazy? What kind of question is that? Silverware. Feed your child silverware, as shown in this photo. If the child exhibits a poor appetite for the silverware, fret because this might mean your child is ill. Fret mightily. Look under "I" for Illness, but then realize you do not have that Volume of Mother's Encyclopedia. So, consult the "Worry" section of Volume So-W. If the answer is not there, you will need to buy the Supplemental Encyclopedia, #1-100. Whatever you do, do not use your common sense. You need Mother's Encyclopedia, okay? You just need us."Mommy of A Loner: "My child does not like to play with others. What should I do?"
Mother's: "Oh, for crying out loud. Give your child a needle and thread and bowl of popcorn. That is the only friend your child will ever need or be able to make. Okay? If your child is real good threading the popcorn, send her to work at a popcorn-threading factory. Okay? Cripes. Why are you wasting our time?"
Can I Put Them To Work Yet? "So, I have these two fine young boys. They like to stand around and touch globes. Can I put them to work yet and get them out from under my feet? They're annoying me and I have to keep wiping their fingerprints off the globe 'cause you say to do that under 'H'--'House Hygiene'. "
Mother's Encyclopedia: "Finally. A sensible question. Of course you can send the boys out to work. But, what the heck work are they suited for? In the picture you sent us, the hitler youth on the right appears to be challenged by just touching the globe, and the juvenile delinquent on the left has Future Thug written all over him. So, send the one on the right to a popcorn threading factory. And send the one on the left to be a mafia apprentice. Then, send us 1/2 of the money he gets from shakedowns every month. Wish more mothers were like you, my friend. Like your style, kid. (Send the money or else.)"
Birds 'n Bees: "What should I tell my teenagers about you know what--that thing we do in beds with the lights out? When should I tell them? What do you advise?"
Mother's: "Whoa, slow down there, Petunia. Look, let them figure it out for themselves. That's what we had to do, so let them do it. If they're too dumb to figure it out--and frankly, we have concerns about this based on the intellect you display with these questions--it is better that they not procreate. If you have to tell them something, say that sex involves drinking punch. Lots and lots of punch. (We're just curious: Do you think a little fairy brought your kids?)"
She Scares Me: "Here is a picture of my Sally, Mother's. Sometimes, I walk into the kitchen and catch sight of her suddenly and I cry out hoarsely, like, 'Aargh!' She scares the chitterlins out of me (she takes after my husband's mother). Help. What should I do?"Mother's: "Aargh! What the hell is that? Did you WANT to scare us with this picture? How are we going to sleep tonight? Look. That's way beyond what we can help with. She's a little big, or we'd suggest putting her in a basket and leaving her on the doorstep of a church with 'Please exorcise me' pinned to her baby blanket. You poor sap. Good luck with that. Oh. If you want to send us $60,000 we might be able to help."