Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Big Trouble in Little "China" and My Knowledge

Okay, I've received some disturbing photos from a news contact that I have in China (really, no sarcastic quotes here, the Real China) which lead me to believe that Clinky really IS over there. I need to verify these photos with my source, so I can't post them today but I'll definitely post them tomorrow and Friday. All I can say is: There's big trouble in little China, and Clinky is involved. I mean, he's over there on his blog today going la, la, la look at the cool books for sale here, but that dude has been dealing with some problems of Kurt Russellesque magnitude.

So, pending the photo confirmation, I'm going to hook onto Mr. Lamont's magic carpet ride by sharing with you my knowledge of some celebrities' experiences taking LSD. Let it be said that I myself have never dabbled in this drug except for throwing some away in a chemical toilet at a Grateful Dead concert. I admit: Drugs have always scared me and--this will not surprise you--I have done just fine having bizarre experiences in life without them. Anyway, I do know exactly what happened when the following people took LSD:

1) Aunt Bee from the Andy Griffith Show. What happened: Imagined a giant pie was chasing her. Went on to briefly date Jimi Hendrix, then disappeared into Topanga Canyon where she formed a small messianic cult that made biscuits and worshipped honey. She was their Queen.
2) Sid and Marty Kroft. What happened: Imagined a children's TV show about a fantastic land filled with CPAs and paralegals that methodically file documents alphabetically in large file drawers and complain about their jobs on snack breaks. Almost lost entire fortune creating this show, only to have a focus group of preteens express its disapproval by pelting them with rocks and garbage.
3) Santa Claus. What happened: Scared the bejesus out of himself with the sonic boom echoes of his deep ho, ho, hos. Ever since has kept his ho, ho, hos slightly muted and takes some "me time" every day.
4) Betty Crocker. What happened: Stared into a mirror for hours saying, "Who am I? Who am I? Who am I really?" When drug wore off, shaved her head, walked into General Mills headquarters, threw her neatly starched apron on the desk of the CEO, and said "I'm not real so you don't have to pay me, that's a neat trick, isn't it?" and stalked out. General Mills quickly changed the hairdo of the character and carried on.
5) Charlie Brown. What happened: Suddenly noticed how cool the inside of Snoopy's doghouse was--plus spent a good deal of time thinking about heroes and goats. When the drug wore off, moved into Snoopy's doghouse and became enthusiastic about "suppertime." Snoopy became downcast, took to wearing a jersey with a zigzag, and began to suffer from "canine pattern baldness."
6) Sgt. Schulz. What happened: Saw "everything." Heard "everything." When the drug wore off, snuck out of camp, deserted the German army, changed his name to Helga, and started singing in saloons.
7) Abbott and Costello. What happened: Started "Who's on First" routine and did not stop for 18 days. By the time they wrapped it up they had transformed into young, blonde British men. So, they changed their names to Chad and Jeremy and appeared on several popular television shows including "Dick Van Dyke," "Batman," and "The Patty Duke Show."
8) The 1976 Olympics East German Women's Swimming Team. What happened: Nothing. The massive amounts of steroids in the women's bodies effectively sucked up the LSD and spat it out angrily. Team went on to win medals.
9) Bob Dylan. What happened: Had a vision in which an angel told him to "Go electric." Woke up with a profound feeling of excitement and a sense of mission. Then realized he had "gone electric" three years previously.
10) Tinkerbell. What happened: Her jealousy became a giant, insatiable, slimy green beast that she battled for hours before finally falling into an exhausted sleep. Became a better fairy post-drug, which unfortunately didn't last long as she was fatally wounded in a nasty windshield wiper accident.