Sunday, March 1, 2009

Ask Pop Mechs! He Has the Answers to All Your Questions!

From the Desk...of Pop Mechs

Dear Pop Mechs (popmechs@hotmail.com),
...What do you think of Pitbulls as pets?
Parker B. Nosy

Dear Mr. Nosy,
Our dog crop is almost as important as our wheat or cotton crop; three times as much as our potato crop.
All set? You bet! Thanks for stoppin' by!
Pops

Dear Pop Mechs,
"Crop"? "Dog crop?" What the heck are you talking about, you sick old bastard?
Parker B. Nosy

Dear Mr. Nosy,
Having won a variety group, the dog begins to take on value. If he can repeat he usually scrambles into the money. His owner is besieged with applications for stud services.
All set? You bet. Thanks for stopping by!
Pops

Heyyyy, Popster!
So, what you're saying is: a Pitbull could be a money-making proposition? And, if I get one, we'll "scramble into the money"--whatever the hell that means. And, chicks will dig me? I will be "besieged with applications for my services as a stud"? Hey HEY hey...Thanks, man! Cool. I'll call him Chewbacca. What else should I know?
Parker B. Nosy

Dear Mr. Nosy,
The modern dog shop is a revelation. Beginning with dog beds and mattresses, dog houses and dog chinaware, its stocks include hundreds of styles in harnesses, leashes, and muzzles; rain capes, plaid jackets, woven sweaters, nobby gabardine and camel's hair wraps, leather mittens, and fur-lined galoshes.
All set? You bet. Thanks for stopping by!
Pops

Dear Pops,
Okay. This is a little eerie. I was thinking about getting a Pitbull as a pet, and instead it's sounding like I'm moving in with my ex-wife again. Woven sweaters? Rain capes? Camel's hair wraps? Sounds just like Deena's closet. I'm not gonna even "go there" with the harness and leash stuff. 'nuff said. Tell ya what, 'though, if this crap will help Chewbacca and me "scramble into the money" I'll be kitting him out to the nines. I'll get California Closets to come by and make him a storage space for those leather mittens and such. So, what should I feed Chewie?
Parker B. Nosy

Dear Mr. Nosy,
Dog feeding is the largest single entry. Half a billion dollars a year is an extremely conservative estimate of Fido's American dinner check.
All set? You bet! Thanks for stoppin' by!
Pops

Whoa, there Pops!
Not so fast. Half a bil is an extremely conservative estimate of Fido's American dinner check? First, let's both just nod our heads and admit that you talk funny. Next, his name will be Chewbacca--not Fido. Will this reduce the cost of his "American dinner check," whatever that might be?
Parker B. Nosy

Dear Mr. Nosy,
The most prevalent of city dog-ailments are constipation, intestinal parasites and pyorrhea.
All set? You bet! Thanks for stoppin' by!
Pops

GEEZ, Pops!
You have the attention span of a flea. We were talking about the "American dinner check" and now you're all about the pyorrhea. Can you stay focused? Also, now it sounds like you're down on me teaming up with Chewie. You're saying we can scramble into the money, but it also sounds like Chewie will remind me of Deena and go around pyorrheaing. No idea what that is. Can't be good.
Parker B. Nosy

Dear Mr. Nosy,
When a director needed twelve reindeer for a motion picture being filmed in Alaska recently, they were transported by airplane from a point 500 miles away. The animals, carried six at a time, were trussed securely, but one escaped his bonds and only quick work by the pilot's assistant saved the plane from damage. Also on the plane were twelve sacks of reindeer moss.
All set? You bet! Thanks for stoppin' by!
Pops

Dear Pops,
WHAT?
Parker B. Nosy

Dear Mr. Nosy,
Raise giant frogs! Markets waiting! Frog legs in big demand at good prices the year round! Easy to ship. Small pond starts you.
All set? You bet! Thanks for stoppin' by!
Pops

Dear Pops,
WHAT?
Parker B. Nosy

Dear Mr. Nosy,
Go where there's lots of fun--on a Harley-Davidson. Yes, Siree--motor improvements give greater sustained horsepower that cuts gas and oil costs WAY DOWN. And you'll get streamlined designed, snappy color combinations, and smooth, gliding speed.
All set? You bet! Thanks for stoppin' by!

Dear Pops,
Okaaaaaaay. I gotcha. You lost me for awhile there, but now I'm reading you loud and clear--you're like some zen master speaking in parables, aren't you? I'm still not sure what that reindeer stuff was about, but I know it was some deep shit. Bottom line, I'm thinking straight now: Forget the Pitbull. Chewie's out. I'm getting a Harley--probably get more gals linin' up for my "stud services" that way anyway, huh? No. No. Don't answer me. Let's leave it just like this. Thanks for your help!
Parker B. Nosy