Thursday, August 21, 2008

My Friend Is Dotty

Sparkle: "Hello?"
Friend: "It's happening again. I'm feeling light-headed."
Sparkle: "Well, just lie down like I told you, and put your feet up on pillows, and try to breathe deeply."
Friend: "It's not working. It's not working. It's not working."
Sparkle: "This is all in your mind, you know, you are stronger than this. You can get over this."
Friend: "I'm not so sure anymore."
Sparkle: "It's just a word."
Friend (yelling): "IT IS NOT JUST A WORD! Everywhere I turn, there it is and it's creeping me out, man, it's creeping me out. It's following me with its eyes."
Sparkle: "It's following you? With its eyes? What do you mean? I know you told me you had a problem with this, but this is new. What are you talking about?"
Friend (not lying down with feet elevated): "It's UNNATURAL! I read the paper, there are the eyes. I watch the TV, there are the eyes. I'm talking to somebody, they say the word, and the eyes are there--I can't see them, BUT THE EYES ARE THERE! The eyes, not to mention that smirking little dot over the j."
Sparkle: "What are you talking about?"
Friend: "Beijing. The i's in Beijing! I told you the word was creeping me out for some reason, and I just figured out what it was. It's those i's and the j...it's three dots all in a row. It's not natural."
Sparkle: "Oh. You were saying 'i's.' The 'i's' are following you."
Friend: "Yes. What the hell did you think I was saying? It's that "iji." It's like a weird, creepy little dot gang. Three dots in a row. It's freaky. It ain't right."
Sparkle: "I think you should just read some good books for awhile, maybe 'til the Olympics are over. Don't watch TV, don't read the newspaper."
Friend: "That's no solution! That's a lousy idea! What if I read a book and the word Beijing is in it? What then?"
Sparkle: "It is not so easy being your friend sometimes."
Friend: "C'mon, you're an editor, you can help me with this."
Sparkle: "I don't think you need an editor."
Friend: "Oh, sure. Take the easy way out. Pass the buck. It's not my fault. It's the freaky word's fault."
Sparkle: "How about if you picture those three lil' dots as smiley faces?"
Friend: "WORSE! WORSE! Creepy! WORSE!"
Sparkle (sighs): "Okay. For you, I will invent an alternative spelling for Bei-"
Friend: "Don't say it, don't say it. I can say it, but it's worse when someone else says it."
Sparkle: "...jing. It's pronounced the same way, but the new, alternative spelling is: Beejeeng. Four e's replace the offending i's, and only the j remains. It is now a one-dot word. I have broken up the 'creepy little dot gang'."
Friend: "Hmm. I'm writing it down now."
Sparkle: "Better?"
Friend: "No. All those e's make the word look like it's screaming."
Sparkle: "Goodbye."
Click.