Friday, August 29, 2008

The Last Laugh

Yesterday, Lily and I took a long woods walk. Her primary goal in these walks is to lurch off into the undergrowth and do one of three things: (1) Get the extra-long leash wrapped around a tree; (2) Get her ears stuck in a thicket of brambles; (3) Dig. Dig. Dig. Dig. Dig. Dig.

My objective is quite different. I seek only to keep mosquitoes from bothering me. Easy enough, you'd think? Just apply insect repellent, you'd think? You'd think.

Instead, this is what happened yesterday:
That's always how I feel when I get a cloud of mosquitoes pestering me. Except, in this case, King Kong is walking along a scenic forest path with an airhorn slung around his chest, a walking stick, and a dog on a leash. This makes it even harder to swat at the annoying cloud of whining, winged creatures.

I know that my facial expression is the same as Kong's 'though. Angry, befuddled, perplexed, disbelieving..."BLARGH! BLARGH!" accompanied by spastic motions of my head and arms.

Yesterday, I think there was just ONE mosquito and that mosquito was everywhere about my head and that mosquito was trash-talking me. It went like this:

Mosquito (into Sparkle's ear): "Mrrrrrrrzzzzzzzz mrrrrrrrrzzzzzzzzzz. I'm gonna bite you I'm gonna get you I'm gonna bite you I'm gonna get you."
Sparkle (flailing like Kong): "BLARGH BLARGH!"
Mosquito (still right at Sparkle's ear): "Mrrrrrrrzzzzz mrrrrrrrzzzz. You won't know when it's coming I'm gonna bite you! Mrrrrrszzzzzzzzzzz."
Sparkle (puts down walking stick, boxes ear, ear rings): "Heh, heh, heh. Ow."
Mosquito (back at Sparkle's ear): "Mrrrrrzzzz mrrrrrzzzzz. Didn't get me, nyah nyah."
Sparkle (butting head into leaves on low-hanging branch and shaking head back and forth angrily): "BLARGH! BLARGH!"
Silence.
Sparkle: "Heh, heh, heh. Ow."
Mosquito (back at Sparkle's ear): "Mrrrzzzzzz mrrrrrzzzzzzzzz. I'm really really gonna get you."
Sparkle: "BITE ME ALREADY!"
Mosquito (back at Sparkle's ear): "Don't wanna. You taste bad. What's that crap you've got on? I'm looking for that one spot on you that doesn't have the crap on it. Don't mind me...go about your business. Mrrrzzzzz mrrrrrrzzzzz."
Sparkle (breaks into a frenzied run, closely followed by Lily, who thinks Sparkle has seen a deer and is giving chase): "BLARGH!"
Mosquito (sounding slightly winded): "Mrrrrrrrrrrzzzzz mrrrrrrrrrzzzzzzzz mrrrrrrrrzzzzz."
Elderly Man, accompanied by beagle, who pops up suddenly in path: "Well, good morning!"
Sparkle (tries to reign self in): "Lovely day! Mosquitoes a little thick!"
Elderly Man: "Really? They haven't been bothering us!"
Sparkle: "Oh, good!"
Enters a clearing with no sign of mosquitoes.
Sparkle: "Whew."
Mosquito: "Mrrrrrrrrrzzzzzzzzzzz."

To sum up: I'm pretty sure there's a mosquito version of "You Tube" and they're playing the "Sparkle Kong vs. Mosquito" video 24-7.

Have a great weekend!