Wednesday, December 5, 2007


So, I'm all kicked back and semi-relaxed here this morning; I've finished the two projects for the guy who eats bee pollen, and I'm waiting for the really-big-project lady to rouse from her jerrylewispercodan stupor and send me chapters. Suddenly, I thought about the profound impact that chupacabras have had on our nation's history and pop culture. I almost knocked over my coffee in my excitement!

I'm thinking I'll write a dissertation about it and get a bunch of letters to stick behind my name! It's definitely a viable topic for a dissertation--for awhile there, everybody I met was doing a dissertation on a bitchin' fun topic like, "The Implications of Amusement Parks for Stress Relief," "Drive-In Movie Theatres: A Critical Analysis of Post-World War II Symbology That Means I Get To Go Around Taking Photos of Old Drive-Ins for the Next Five Years" and "Wild, Mindless Sex: Can It Penetrate the Shield of Academic Disaffection?" (Or: "Wild, Mindless Bacon: Can It Sizzle Through the Shield of Academic Disaffection")

Really! People write dissertations like that, and I'm pointing it out because I'm deeply jealous. Yet, Jealously B-Gone! I now have my OWN juicy dissertation topic that I can footle about with pleasurably for awhile. Soon, you'll be able to call me Dr. Sparkle. Ready? Here it is:

Chupaculture: Parsing the Beast Among Us

My concept is that chupacabras aren't JUST these goat-snacking playboys magooin' around baring their teeth. Nope. They walk amongst us and are so tightly woven into the interstices of the fabric of our daily existence (dissertation committees love that shit--"tightly woven into the interstices"--I could just stop with that one line and they'd give me the letters to go after my name) that we don't even stop to think about them.

Here are some examples:
1) Remember when Ted Kennedy "went all Britney" (a startling pop culture reference sure to wake up the dissertation committee members) and dunked the poor girl? People do NOT know that a chupacabra was driving that night--a friend of Kennedy's from prep school who went by the name "Sammy Mungo" and later was proven to have ties to the Las Vegas mob. In the chupacabra community, the incident is known as "Chupaquiddick." It gets mentioned every time Sammy Mungo comes up for election.

2) Remember when David Letterman hosted The Chupacabra Oscars and he made the SAME awkward joke he made with Uma Thurman and Oprah? He's standing there, in front of a huge crowd of chupacabras (who are, of course, wearing tuxedos and snacking on goat legs, as is their custom). And, he looks out on that sea of hairy, bloody stinkiness, spots the only celebrity to be seen--Deepak Chopra--and goes, "Chupas, Chopra; Chopra, Chupas." He got pelted with goat legs!

3) No examination of Chupaculture is complete without an analysis of their impact on television, and upon the mass mental drugging and zombification of our society (I said that for the dissertation committee member who hates TV--even pointy-head PBS stuff! I also said that so I can stay in my jammies, watch a lot of TV, eat popcorn, and pretend I'm writing a dissertation). To wit:

--"Chupa and the Man": A hot-headed, groovy young chupacabra lives with whatever grouchy old actor guy can fill the boots of Jack Albertson (WHO? There is NO ONE who can fill the grouchy boots of Jack Albertson). Misunderstandings abound, but their cross-cultural man love overcomes all obstacles. Except for the goat entrails.
--Chupie's Angels: Oh, I think we know what THIS is all about. NO! It's not about tits and ass (or bacon) and flawlessly layered hairdos! It's about a chupacabra who is a PRIEST and struggles mightily with his occasional need to snack on goats. The "angels" are three nuns who try to keep him on the straight and narrow, and oh, let's go ahead and cast the Olsen Twins and Charo as the nuns unless you have a better idea.
--Chups in Charge: Oh, god, NO! Don't put "Chups" in charge of those children! Aiiiiiiieee! (Only one episode of this doomed series was shot. It is only available on the Internet and DON'T watch it if you have a weak stomach. The studio is still paying off the parents of the child actors.)
--CHuPS: Groovy California chupacabras cruise around on motorcycles enforcing The Law. Each episode features a "ChuP Gone Bad" plot in which one member of the force goes off the rails and raids a farmer's goat herd. Internal investigations and zaniness follow! Also, in each episode "Sarge" blows his stack and drinks a potent cocktail of Maalox and scotch that he keeps stashed in the bottom drawer of his desk. It is not easy being Sarge.
--Chupamarket Sweeps! In this giddy game show, housewives zoom through the supermarket in full body armor trying to fill their shopping carts as quickly as possible while chupacabras jump down upon them from the tops of the shelves. Wait. Maybe that one was cancelled?

So, that's my plan. CHUPACULTURE! Maybe I'll get the Nobel Prize for this!