Friday, December 14, 2007

::Celebrates Cake's Birthday Belatedly::

Happy weekend! I imagine that next week we will begin to see some hot dinosaur action. However, today, it is Friday, December 14. It is very snowy, it is very cold, and it is the day after Cake's birthday.

So, I figure that the best thing to do is to think about the summer and to salute this snowy-wintry-day-after-Cake's birthday with a post about the American sport known as baseball. Well, drinking cocoa with whipped cream, mini-marshmallows, and/or star-shaped PeepsTM* would be a solid idea, too, but I'll leave you to take care of that.

(*Please note: Go here to see some fine Peeps Art. And, here you will find some key information about important experiments with Peeps and other candy and snack foods. Last but not least, please pretty please go here to learn more about Peeps: The Candy, The Myth, The Legend, The Stereotype. You must go here and turn your speakers up; you will not be able to stop dancing to the catchy, catchy Peeps music! Dance with me! Here we go...finger snaps, jazz hands, do the jive, feel the crazy Peeps beat move your soul!)

All right. Enough folderol and fiddle-dee-dee. On to baseball. First, I'll create a little atmosphere. I am now pumping the pungent aroma of eau de Fenway Park--freshly popped popcorn, roasted peanuts, grilled sausages and peppers, hot dogs, spilled beer (and, arguably, some vaguely toilety/cleaning fluidy smell from the restrooms) into the air of the blogosphere. I am also throwing in a potent "hot summer night" smell--namely sweat and lingering cigar smoke from the three really big guys standing in front of you in line at the concession stand. Please add your own favorite Fenway scents as desired. Wait, I'm throwing in some freshly-cut-grass smell, too. While not accurate, it's always nice to have around.

Now that we have the smells in place (oh, add the sights and sounds in your own mind...I've gotten lazy), these are the best people to write a baseball-related blog post: Clinky, Cake, Surviving Grady, Redbeard, Tex, and No Oprah. Unfortunately, none of them are here right now. You've got me. Fortunately, I've got mad cutting and pasting skills that I did not even dream about back in my kindergarten days.

So, what I can do is paste in these two humorous posts written by a very funny gentleman named Jon Methven (please find the original, as well as many other fine articles by Jon Methven, on Bugs & Cranks).


Yankees hire Girardi, criticize his performance moments later
Posted by Jon Methven in New York Yankees
October 29th, 2007 (Original article online at

NEW YORK, New York – The New York Yankees Monday named Joe Girardi as the team’s new manager, then moments later criticized the franchise’s lack of direction during his tenure.

“We are proud to have a proven manager such as Joe Girardi running things in the dugout in 2008,” said team representative Hank Steinbrenner, pausing at the podium for a sip of water. “But he won’t be running things for long if this bullshit continues.”

Girardi, who had not yet had the chance to speak at his own press conference, was booed from the podium by the press corps and Yankees brass. He was escorted off the premises by security.

Less than 12 hours before Monday’s announcement, Girardi was a well-respected skipper. A former manager of the year with the Florida Marlins, he was the clear favorite to replace Joe Torre. But the instant the Yankees named him to the post, he was blamed for the team’s poor playoff performance, for Alex Rodriguez opting out of his contract during the World Series, and for this year’s championship run by the archrival Boston Red Sox.

“Certainly we think he is capable of doing the job – that’s why we hired him,” said General Manager Brian Cashman at Monday’s press conference. “But if you’re asking me if I think he’s capable of doing the job, I have to tell you I don’t have much confidence in his quote-unquote ‘track record’ thus far,” Cashman said, making two-handed rabbit ears.

Yankee fans, who have waited weeks for good news, are planning a march on Joe Girardi’s neighborhood this week to egg and toilet-paper his home. For weeks, a small contingent of supporters assembled outside Yankee Stadium with Girardi banners, Girardi jerseys and foam fingers. Following Monday’s announcement, fans immediately torched their Girardi banners, Girardi jerseys and foam fingers, vowing to inflict violence on the former Yankee catcher if he didn’t straighten out the bullpen issues quickly.

“I loved Joe Girardi as a player and I’ll love him as a manager,” said Wendy Schlump, 47, of Bayonne, N.J., as she prepared to ignite an effigy of the former catcher in the Yankees’ parking lot Monday. “But in the past two hours, fucking Girardi and his boneheaded management skills are ruining the direction of this organization!”

Girardi told reporters he plans to move into his new office this week, at which point he expects his house and vehicles to be egged and toilet-papered, and for lifelong Yankees fans to begin calling his home in the middle of the night to drunkenly threaten his well-being.

“I’d like to thank the Steinbrenners, Yankee fans and God – in that order – for this opportunity,” Girardi said in a statement. “Steinbrenners-, Yankee Fans- and God-willing, I will still be employed by opening day to lead this team to another World Series title.”

Yankees officials: Without Boras, A-rod might be an idiot
Posted by Jon Methven in New York Yankees
November 15th, 2007

(Original article online at

NEW YORK, New York Sources close to the Alex Rodriguez negotiations are reporting that without agent Scott Boras to guide him every step of the way, the highly coveted third-baseman might very well be a social idiot.

“This guy is a fucking moron,” a high-level Yankees official said Thursday. “We’ve been discussing hundreds of millions of dollars, and all he wants to know is – can he change his nickname? I mean, I think the guy might be slightly retarded.”

By Thursday morning, the Yankees nearly re-signed Aaron Boone to field third when Rodriguez insisted on a game of Duck-Duck-Goose in the boardroom to begin the morning session. Yankees officials acquiesced, but sources claim that was a mistake. Duck-Duck-Goose was quickly followed by Red Light Green Light, a Three-Legged Race and Pin the Donut on the Steinbrenner.

“By lunchtime we hadn’t even talked numbers,” the source said. “But by then he was all tired out and he wanted his snack pack. We told him we didn’t have any snack packs and he held his breath and refused to breathe until we found him one. We had to send Brian Cashman to the corner store, otherwise our third-baseman would have suffocated.”

Rodriguez approached Hank and Hal Steinbrenner this week, requesting a sit-down without his agent present. The brothers Steinbrenner agreed to the meeting, but sources claim they quickly soured on that decision after Rodriguez requested they dicker in auctioneer voices to arrive at his salary.

“The odd thing was after all those three-legged races and other nonsense, they wanted to get this deal done as fast as possible, so Hank and Hal talked auctioneer to the nitwit,” the source claims. “Then that moron started clapping along like it was a damn sing-along. It’s the strangest negotiation I’ve ever been part of. I speak for all Yankees brass – we’d welcome Boras back to the negotiating table even if it cost us another hundred million. Just so we don’t have to play another round of ‘guess which hand it’s in’ with that boob.”

By late Thursday, all talks about salary were put on hold so management could meet Rodriguez’s main demand.

“That goddamn nickname,” the source complained. “We couldn’t make any headway on a contract because he had some grand ideas about what he wants to be called next year.”

Sources claim Rodriguez offered the following nicknames: Ballet-Rod, Betray-Rod, Cliché-Rod, Groundhog Day-Rod and Every Which Way-Rod. When informed those names made little sense, and sort of made him out to be a dope, Rodriguez threw another tantrum.

“We didn’t know what to do, so we threatened to call Boras if he didn’t straighten out. And I have to tell you – he didn’t make so much as a peep after that. I also think Boras asks for too much money. But after this negotiation, it’s clear to me he earns it.”