Friday, September 28, 2007

HISTORY JOYRIDE! HOP IN!

Before we begin, please note that JoAnn posted some awesome bad words on yesterday's blog entry. Please check 'em out and learn!

But, right now: I dig History Joyrides! Grab your chips and soda, fasten your seatbelt, get ready to scroll down, and let's roll! This is the batmobile*! Cool, huh?


Boss Specs: Rocket boosts for increased speed, devices to improve maneuverability, mounted weapons to disable vehicles and remove obstacles, a computer remotely linked to the Batcave's computer, a remote control function, a field forensic kit, and a personal small helicopter held in the trunk called a whirlybat.

But, GET THIS! It is the 1941 State of Illinois Crime Lab on Wheels! Wheeeee!
Boss Specs: Revolving and Elevating Turret with phone, machine gun (could shoot candy!), searchlights, bulletproof glass, portholes (perfect to throw candy out of!), camera, and revolving loud speakers! It can operate at top speeds of 65 mph! Buckle up for our high-speed chases!

And, check out what's inside!
Twelve hundred (1,200) things! Including: darkroom, x-ray equipment to inspect packages for bombs, food supplies and emergency rations, ladder rack, asbestos suits, ropes and grappling hooks, speed boat, crime detection chemistry lab, switchboard, lie detector machine, and moulage materials! Law enforcement officials say that "Moulage" is supposed to be "the art of applying mock injuries for the purpose of training Emergency Response Teams." But just between the two of us, don't you bet it has something to do with doughnuts? I'd add some curtains to cozy this baby up. But: COOL!

It's like the Barbie Dream Camper I used to have...but BETTER!
Holy separation anxiety, Batman**! What the heck happened to Ken*** here? Did he hook up with Serial Killer Barbie?

But, hang on a second. Who came up with this idea for a State of Illinois Crime Lab on Wheels? Good question! Wait. Why are you dancing around in the back seat like that. What's that? Rest stop? You need a rest stop. Okay. Squeal of brakes. Wait, wait, wait. Better? Okay. Let's press on.

THIS GUY came up with the idea: Illinois Governor Dwight H. Green (Term: 1941-1948)!
Governor Green clearly liked vehicles! And, he liked his name on vehicles! Here he is, ready to receive a chest x-ray from the state's first mobile tuberculosis-testing unit! He's the guy lurking behind the two older nurses and, I think, groping both of them with his left hand. One woman appears to like it; the other does not appear to like it. Al Capone would NOT like to be groped by Governor Green. Here is Al Capone:
When Green was U.S. Attorney Green, he teamed up with FBI agent Eliot Ness and his Untouchables to defeat Al Capone. Although, a book by Dennis E. Hoffman titled, "Scarface Al and the Crime Crusaders: Chicago's Private War Against Capone" suggests that Capone was defeated by six lawyers and businessmen known as "The Secret Six," and Green was dogged by rumours that he was in bed with the gangsters and turned a blind eye to gambling, etc.

Remember Governor Green's cool State of Illinois Crime Lab on Wheels? Yeah. I'm pretty sure Governor Green WAS in bed with gangsters and wanted a secure spot--a traveling Bat Cave, if you will--to hide from the gangsters if they ever turned against him. This would make a mighty good hideout.
Uh-Oh! Adlai Stevenson defeated Green in 1948 and aggressively attacked organized crime in the state. Adlai Stevenson sure loved Lincoln! And frankly, I think he sounds like a pretty cool guy. He had lots of great ideas, and he wanted us to "march to a New America." Apparently, America was tired that day and didn't want to march. He lost his bids for the Presidency.
And, you know who HATED Stevenson? Why, J. Edgar "I'm Pretty in Pink" Hoover hated Stevenson!!! He spread rumors that Stevenson was bisexual. First, so what? Nothin' wrong with that. Especially when you consider that we've had presidents that I'm pretty sure steady-dated goats. Second, who the heck was Hoover to talk? This is some guy dressed up as Zombie J. Edgar Hoover. I'm pretty sure this is what Hoover looked like on a daily basis, so I'll go with this photo.****
Yep, I feel confident in saying that Hoover was a real jerk. He headed up the FBI for many years, however, and you can see him playing himself in the 1959 movie called "The FBI Story" starring Jimmy Stewart. I love me some Jimmy Stewart, but I'm not going to taint him by putting a photo of him anywhere near the words "J. Edgar Hoover." And...HEY! Did you happen to know that Adam West was in the movie "The FBI Story"?



Yes! In "The FBI Story," Adam West played the role of "Voice on Two-Way Radio" and he was uncredited. DAMN. Adam West has a GREAT VOICE.

Okay. We're back where we started. Thanks for coming along for the ride and have a great day!

*Please note that this image of the Batmobile is the exclusive creative and intellectual property of DC comics and I am including it here only to make a truly vital historical comparison.
**Please note that the character of Batman is the exclusive creative and intellectual property of DC comics and I am referencing Batman here only to express my astonishment over Ken's apparent disembowelment.
***Please note that Ken is the exclusive creative and intellectual property of Mattel and Barbie's love slave. It is important to note that this is NOT my Ken doll.
****Please note that Zombie J. Edgar Hoover is the exclusive creative and intellectual property of the individual depicted. I have no idea who this guy is. Guy: If you want me to take this picture down, please let me know. Thank you. (You've got great gams.)
*****Just to be sure...did I mention that this image of the Batmobile is the exclusive creative and intellectual property of DC comics and I am including it here only to make a truly vital historical comparison?