Monday, September 7, 2015

Fancy Pile of Fire! Dirty Joke with Squirrels! Dinner For You!

I feel about cars like cavemen felt about fire: "It's so handy! It's so powerful! I so don't understand it!" So, here I am...driving around in a big ol' handy, powerful, mysterious pile of fire every day. Time for a picture so you don't get bored!

Notice how small, lost, and frightened the woman looks. Yes, that is me, waiting for the gods that gave me the big pile of fancy fire to get angry and make something bad happen. "What's that noise?" "Don't my tires feel funny?" "What's that smell?" Each year, I promise myself that I will take an auto mechanics course and get all smart and competent and stuff. I have never done this. I'm pretty stupid..I put the idiot in idiot savant, and I'm still searching around for the savant part. Here are very bad things I have done: (1) I took air OUT of my tires rather than putting it in--this was on a day when I was trying to be especially competent. The inner dialogue went, "You're a grown woman! You can DO this." No. I could not. (2) I put ignition wires into a 1967 Dodge the wrong way. This was a maneuver my mechanic assured me was "fool-proof." He did not know me well then. (3) I won't mention my car wash phobia. What's that? Did I just say that? No, no. I have no car wash phobia. To speak of.

Let's add a #4 to the above. Yesterday, I drove around and one of my tires had 6.5 lbs of air in it. That is exactly equal to one tiny, dainty china tea cup full of air in terms of tire pressure. Yep, it felt weird, but I thought I was imagining it. It looked weird, but I thought it was maybe because I was parked on an incline. Pardon me, it's time for me to go slap the back of my head again. Thanks. Let's fast forward through my morning, and then I've got dinner for YOU, yes YOU and you and you (and you). You've been looking peaked, and you don't eat enough. So, hang in there.

(1) I slowly inch my pile of fancy fire to the service station down the street. They don't fix tires. The guy puts air in my tire (see idiocy above) and says that maybe there's a nail in there. I am in a state of what I would call "highly agitated, apologetic perkiness." When I go to shake his hand, he gives me a hug and tells me I've made his day. Huh? I worry about the rest of his day. (2) I go to the tire place.
3) The tire guy tells me that my tire is a rogue tire, a bad tire, a no-goodnik, a troublemaker. The guy doesn't have a tire for me. Can get one that will almost match the others. Puts my spare on.

4) I remember I got the tires at Sears, I go to Sears. I wait and wait and wait. I work, work, work for I have a deadline on a proposal I'm writing. I chat, chat, chat with the elderly guy next to me. "Whatcha workin' on?" he asks. "A proposal to, you know, get money for a family literacy project," I say. Instead of saying "WHA?" like most do, he nods his head wisely and says, "It's a noble cause, but once you're crazy, you're crazy." WHA? Then, he tells me a very dirty joke involving Tarzan, Jane, and squirrels. It ain't that funny, but I laugh gamely. Unfortunately, he can tell it's a pity laugh and looks a little wounded. But, he gave me his card. Do you need a knife? I can hook you up.

Enough about me. For you, because it is Friday and it has been a long week, and you are hungry and a weary, frail shell of your usual, bouncy self, here is dinner. YES, dinner DOES look wicked scary--the cream-coated brain in the middle is off-putting (it's cauliflower...cauliflower with cheese sauce, I assure you). But, it's tasty! And, you have double dessert (feel free to skip right to the ice cream if you like). EAT! ENJOY! And, you have a wonderful weekend!
SNOWBALLS IN JULY (a la The Stork Club)