Friday, March 12, 2010

FTD Phones It In (aka I am Old and Cranky)

I'm online looking for flowers to send to my aunt*--it's her eightieth birthday tomorrow--and I stumble across this:This is the Sweets in Bloom® Ultimate Happy Birthday Snack Attack Basket.

Here's how the pricing breaks down:
--Sweets in Bloom® Happy Birthday Snack Attack Basket: $34.99--GOOD (I think "good" means the snacks are NOT stale, yet there are not that many of them and the basket is mostly filled with green tissue paper.)
--Sweets in Bloom® Deluxe Happy Birthday Snack Attack Basket: $44.99--BETTER (I think "better" means that there are significantly more Combos to cheesy your hunger away and you pay $5 more for the word "Deluxe." But, it also might simply mean a bigger basket and more green tissue paper.)
--Sweets in Bloom® Ultimate Happy Birthday Snack Attack Basket: $54.99--BEST (Okay. Surely FTD does not throw the word "Ultimate" around indiscriminately? I'm guessing there must be pirate gold underneath the extra large amount of green tissue paper in the bottom of the extra large basket.)

This does not include shipping and handling.

1) No, I will not be sending this item to my aunt--I believe her personal weapons in the war against snack attacks are iced tea and little sugar-free waffle sandwich cookies (they come in pink, tan, and white).
2) I figure my aunt and I aren't in FTD's demographic for this item--it's a "dorm room and den" kind of gift. But, I have to admit that I keep staring at it (and I need to stop now and close the deal on the flowers) and thinking, "Couldn't I slap together that Ultimate version in one trip to Costco for $5.00?" and "Snack attack? More like heart attack. Look at all that salt and sugar!" which is yet another sign that I'm not in the demographic for this item.
3) Still, there's something about this that bugs me. And FTD's disclaimer, "All items featured on this Web site represent the types of products FTD.COM offers and may vary depending upon availability in certain regions" does nothing to smooth my feathers. Which regional delicacy might they leave out--the M&Ms or the Nutter Butters?
4) And, I keep thinking about all of those ripped open Snack Attack wrappers and all of that scrunched-up tissue paper (in the Ultimate version, this might be as much as 8 lbs. of tissue paper and 25 Snack Attack wrappers) fluttering around landfills just off the main highway like debauched butterflies. (Why like debauched butterflies? I have no idea.)

To sum up: I am Old and Cranky.**

*Her larger gift is 80 books, which I imagine she'll tear right through. But, I don't have a catchy name for it.
**Yet not quite Old and Cranky enough NOT to wish you a wonderful weekend. Have a wonderful weekend!