Monday, December 7, 2009

Fact: The Oasis of the Seas Has Seven Godmothers!

"Hey! Good morning! Grab your cup of coffee and hold onto your hat, 'cause I'm about to tell you all about The Oasis of The Seas Seven Godmothers!!! There are seven 'cause the ship is awesome big and this is a super-innovative, super-cool approach to honoring the ship's "seven distinct neighborhoods!" What are the neighborhoods? Sure! I'll tell ya: Central Park, Boardwalk, Royal Promenade, Pool and Sports Zone, Vitality at Sea Spa and Fitness Center, Entertainment Place, and Youth Zone!"
"What the hell kinds of names are these for neighborhoods? Okay: Central Park. Okay maybe: Boardwalk--if we are playing Monopoly. But, Vitality at Sea Spa and Fitness Center Neighborhood? What kinds of ethnic restaurants will I find in this neighborhood? I don't even wanna think about the kinds of block parties they'd have. Carrot juice. Everybody would be walkin' around with fun flasks of carrot juice."
"Did you hear a little annoying squeak? Yeah, me too. Anyhoo! Here are the seven godmothers of the Oasis of the Seas: Daisy Fuentes, Shawn Johnson, Gloria Estefan, Michelle Kwan, Jane Seymour, Dara Torres, and Keshia Knight Pulliam! These seven awesome ladies were selected because they 'personify strength of character, exemplify the spirit of giving, and are role models for men, women and children alike!' Yaay! Let's hear it for these seven great gals!"
"I reject all seven godmothers. And, I shall replace them with:
1) Cher: Because she is three godmothers in one--gypsy, tramp, and thief.
2) Celine freakin' Dion: She was born to wear a sporty little yacht cap and hang out in the Entertainment Place and they are shying away from her because of the Titanic tie-in. Fess up, Oasis of the Seas: You are shying away from Celine Dion...Canadian, Humanitarian, and Logical Choice #1 for a Cruise Ship Godmother.
3) Okay, we can keep Dara Torres because she can help us swim to safety.
4) We are adding Tanya Harding. Show some guts, Oasis of the Seas! Give a gal--an athletic, strong gal who exemplifies a gritty kind of survivor courage that could be an example to the Pool and Sports Zone neighborhood--a chance. Moxie, initiative, and some strong Foxy Boxing skills. She's a lock.
5) OPRAH. Hello? What are you thinking, Oasis of the Seas? Pick a great big-hearted gal for a great big ship. She has Royal Promenade written all over her, dudes. Plus, she'll be a retiree soon and she won't have to be a greeter at Walmart if you hire her.
6) Newswoman Ann Curry--the only news anchor I trust to calmly and humorously tell me that the ship is sinking and I need to find Dara and Tanya to row me to shore.
7) Deceased comedians George Carlin and Mitch Hedberg. In drag. I don't care how many rules I am breaking with this controversial selection. They're a lock for Godmother #7. Wait. I need a Godmother for the Youth Zone. Crap. Okay, I'm adding Dick Cheney in drag as the Godmother for the Youth Zone because he will scare the crackers out of the wee ones and make them fall into a frozen silence, allowing me to enjoy my Mai Tais in peace.
8) Connie Selleca. It is a personal choice that I do not have to explain. It's a big freakin' ship. Make room for her. See? Now THAT'S a list of seven godmothers!"
"Sometimes it is challenging to be your friend, Nat."