Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Elves Should Be Able to Build Casinos at the North Pole


Top 15 Thoughts About An Elf Casino
1) Strong toy theme, although Jack-in-The-Pot toilets prove to be ill-advised and are removed.
2) Two words: Cookie Buffet.
3) Elfin Magic means it might be best to try your luck at the Leprechaun Casino down the road.
4) Are the cocktail waitresses' pointy ears hot or creepy? You can't figure it out.
5) Santa is goin' down in flames at the Roulette Wheel and the Elves are lovin' it. Not so jolly now, huh fat man?
6) No reindeer allowed. All reindeer will be escorted off the premises. Any reindeer found angrily pooping on the premises will be subject to full prosecution.
7) In an attempt at a hostile takeover, the Elf Casino is attacked by axe-wielding dwarves, led by a strung-out Joe Pesci.
8) The Elves fight back, and suddenly Peter Jackson and Martin Scorsese are collaborating on the movie version.
9) FROM ARTSPARKER: Elves are not entirely trustworthy - see under: Tam Lin. (Note: Tam Lin appears to be some sort of elfin Baby Daddy.)
10) FROM LOIS LANE: Lucky Charms must be kept concealed at all times. We don't care if they are magically delicious. Oh, wait. Leprechauns have Lucky Charms, not elves. Never mind. I've been in the egg nog. My bad. *hic* Okay: No Leprechauns allowed in casino.
13) FROM MICKEY: Overheard at the craps table: "Come on! Baby needs new pointy shoes." Also, perfect opportunity for the comeback of Elfish Presley.
14) FROM JESSICA: Elf Casino would give whole new meaning to "mini-bar."
15) FROM EGE: Casinos ought to be allowed in Iceland, too. (Note: Dear Iceland, Vote "Yes" on Question 1--Elf Casino. Ignore the naysayers who say it will create too much traffic and noise. C'mon! You're ICELAND. You could use a little more traffic and noise. Admit it.)
16) FROM CAKE: I wanna drink my heavily spiked eggnog while losing at cards, dammit! (Note: At Elf Casinos, Cake will be allowed to drink her heavily spiked eggnog while losing at cards. Dammit. Unfortunately, she will then be escorted to the sidewalk by the orc bouncers after she tries to surreptitiously take photographs of Elfish Presley with her phone. Of course, she'll charm her way back in. Why orc bouncers? Elves do not have sufficient upper body strength to be good bouncers.)