Thank you to all of those who suggested names! Your lifetime supply of Spaghettio's, wardrobe of Hager Double-Knit Slacks, and a handsome check for $1,000 is winging its way to you (unless I forgot to put postage on the packages...).
Eli Ringtail-Tooter fights for justice.
Charlie-Bob stays pretty chill.
Hoke Hadley is a born salesman.