The PM Precut House Postscript

Dear Son or Daughter of the Man Who Designed the "PM Precut House,"

Thank you so much for leaving your comment about your dad! My post from 2008 was just meant to be funny. But, I really did read the article about the house your dad designed in "Popular Mechanics," and I'll have to find my copy of that issue (it's down in the basement in a mouse-proof container) so I can take another look.

It's great to know that the original prototype house is still standing strong in the Poconos. I like the design and only wish I was clever enough to try to build one myself. In an era when there's a lot of interest in small house designs and modular kits (have you seen the ones at Tiny Tumbleweeds and Tiny House Listings?), I bet your dad's design would be very popular. It's not a "tiny" house, but it's a nice modest size with some great features. I have to believe that many people ordered your dad's kit and built houses. Those houses must be out there, all over the place! Hope you are able to find some.

I doubt you'll find your way back here. But, just in case. Any chance you still have any of your dad's kits lying around? Heck, maybe it's time for me to test my carpentry skills?

Here's to your dad!

All the best,
Sparkle Plenty

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Dear Popular Mechanics,

I am pleased to place an order for your "PM Precut House."To cover the cost of the house, please find enclosed a personal check in the amount of $4,500. You will note that I have added the requisite funds to cover optional items.

At this time, I would like to express a few concerns and give you the opportunity to respond:

1) As an enthusiastic fan of indoor plumbing and warmth, I am thrilled that you have offered me the chance to purchase a separate "plumbing kit" and "winterizing materials." Just to double-check: Do said aforementioned "kit" and "materials" consist of a bucket and some wet-dog-smelling wool blankets?

2)I am hoping that, once constructed, the house will look exactly like the one depicted on the cover. There will be a cute little man in a windbreaker waving out front at all times, correct? And, the blonde on the porch with cool drinks is included in the kit? It seems silly to ask, but these are very attractive features that have drawn me to the house and, due to a traumatic incident ordering seamonkeys, I can take nothing for granted.

3) When you say the instructions are "easy," what do you really mean? Here, let me give you some choices: a) Easy! No swearing, no sweating, and you will not wish you were better at math because you will have hired a carpenter to interpret the directions and build the house for you! b) Easy! Easy Like Sunday Morning--a complex, mind-bending Sunday morning that leaves you contemplating the meaning of life and longing for strong drink. c) Easy! Easy like Easy Rider, in which everyone DIES. d) If you need to ask, you should not buy this kit.

Thanking you in advance for your prompt attention to my order,
Sparkle Plenty

Crime Laboratory on Wheels! Circa 1941...

Getting 30 toy policemen out of the toy machine--for some reason they came rolling out two per plastic bubble--reminded me of the State of Illinois's "secret weapon for combating crime." I just read about this ultra top secret weapon in Popular Mechanics. It looks kind of cozy in there, doesn't it? There are little bunks! Okay: The "machine gun turret" is super creepy and just sort of, over-the-top in terms of crime fighting. But, maybe you could turn that into the "dance party turret"?

Ask Pop Mechs! He Has the Answers to All Your Questions!

Dear Pop Mechs,
My fiance and I love to go to the beach. We find that it is very peaceful to commune with nature and listen to the soothing, gentle crash of the waves upon the shore. We like to look for shells, but we have a very hard time finding whole sand dollars and conch shells. Do you have any tips for us? Thanks so much for your help!
Love, Katie Sue from Kalamazoo

Dear Zoo Gal,
An estimated $30,000,000,000,000 in gold beneath the sea awaits anyone who will take it. Not pirate treasure, but tiny particles of the yellow metal held in suspension in the water. This represents about $15,000 apiece for every man, woman, and child in the entire world.
All set? You bet! Thanks for stoppin' by!
Pops

Dear Pop Mechs,
Who's Zoo Gal? Are you talking to me? Either way, forget the freakin' sand dollars. How do I get me some of this gold? Can I use a sieve and my little sand pail and shovel? Do I need to rent some special drilling equipment? Because I'll do that, I'll put on a hard hat and mine that baby for all she's worth.
I'll Call Myself Zoo Gal And Dress Up Like A Kangaroo If You Tell Me How to Get that Gold

Dear Zoo Gal,
It would cost more to extract this gold than it is worth at the present market value. And besides, the ocean holds even greater wealth in animal, vegetable, and mineral resources that can be used advantageously by man.
All set? You bet! Thanks for stoppin' by!
Pops

Dear Pop Mechs,
What are you, some kind of sadist? First you tell me there's gold, then you say I can't get the gold, then you draw my attention to the "greater wealth in animal, vegetable, and mineral resources"? And, you said "And besides..." in a very condescending way. Look, I fought hard to get off the farm, mister. I want nothing to do with animal, vegetable, and mineral resources. Give me something I can use here.
Kate

Dear Zoo Gal,
Seaweeds are used in many ways: (A) Young specimens of the California giant kelp are a source of acetone and potash. (B) Purple laver is used in soups and eaten raw. (C) California agarweed is used as the basis for microbiological culture media. (D) Irish moss from Massachusetts, which produces carrageenin, is used in candy, jellies, and salad dressing. (E) East Coast broadleaf kelp produces algin used in ice cream, cake icings, and dental impressions.
All set? You bet! Thanks for stoppin' by!
Pops

Dear Pops,
Swell. Thanks very much. I can now no longer bear the thought of eating my favorite foods: candy, jellies, ice cream, cake icings, and salad dressings. Thanks. Yes, indeedy. Thanks. You are an annoying old man. Just forget I asked you my shell question, okay? Let's just nip this in the bud.
K.S.

Dear Zoo Gal,
The practical aspects of oceanographic research--together with the natural curiosity of man--should insure the continuation and expansion of the investigations of this last great unexplored frontier. Maybe science will even find a way to get that $30,000,000,000,000 in gold some day! All set? You bet! Thanks for stoppin' by!
Pops

Salute to Old Stuff!

I thought my yard sale days were long behind me because how many mildewy-smelling Popular Mechanics does one gal need? (Answer: A lot. Too many. Possibly enough at this point in time. But, maybe not. Maybe if I find some that are NOT mildewy-smelling at all, and...)

I was wrong. These days, I'm a careful sniffer of goods* and I do not buy anything that smells mildewy (see above), but this yard sale thing is ON.

What This Does Not Mean: I promise that I will not be driving that car creeping along in front of you and lurching suddenly over when I see a yard sale sign and then darting back IN ahead of you. I promise.

What This Means: I salute your old stuff, and there's a chance I'll buy your old stuff--well, so long as it's not in a pawn shop after it has been stolen from your house.

My Caveat: Your old stuff must be like the stuff I bought at last weekend's yard sale. And, what is that stuff? Why I thought you would never ask. Here it is! (Perhaps best characterized as old, odd, and random--surely you have some stuff that meets those stiff criteria? If so, have a yard sale and I'm there.)

THE AERODYNAMIC WOODEN BEE (its eye is GOOGLY!)CLOSE-UP OF GOOGLY, SLIGHTLY BALEFUL, BEE EYETHE TINGLER! (a fine William Castle film starring Vincent Price...in movie theaters, Castle showed this with "Percepto"--the seats were wired to give people an electric shock)
THE SHOE STORE FOOT MEASURING DEVICE!CHINESE CHECKERS! (It has great pictures and says "CHING-KA-CHEK," which I really can't imagine is Chinese for "Chinese Checkers")
THE METAL CARDINAL WREATH (Sharp-edged, yet appealing)
THE FREAKY-ASS BOOK
This book just cracks me up--and is a tad scary at the same time. Here are all of the different types of eyebrows; the book tells you what they all "mean" about a person's character. (YIKES)Here's a little excerpt:
"Let us suppose you are examining a small man. From the rules in Chapter III you will know that most small men are very quick in both their thinking and their actions. And from your other observations you may feel sure that he is not an exception to that rule. So you tell him that he is impulsive, impetuous, and excitable. Does he start slightly or seem a little surprised? If he does, you have the green light. You can go ahead from there, elaborating and adding several closely related characteristics...Act as if he were an open book to you in which absolutely nothing is concealed."

Sparkle sez: If I'm shopping in the supermarket, see a small man, sidle up and examine him, and fill him in about himself, I imagine there is a high probability that he will "start slightly or seem a little surprised." In fact, I imagine this will be true of the "Jolly Fat Man" (Chapter II), as well as the "Shifty-Eyed Fellow" (Chapter IV). Don'tcha think?

*I do not want to read what this book has to say about the character of people who go around sniffing goods.

Be Wary: Jackass Circa 1950

Please. Do not try this at home:
Does this frolicsome sport exist now? Because it seems like a really bad idea to me. The skiers look all game and gung-ho in their brightly-hued billed caps and hooded parkas, but what are they ready for? To the best of my reckoning, there is a sharp precipice at the edge of the horizon and they do not appear to have any poles. Plus, the helicopter looks kind of cute and benign, but isn't its eventual role to wrench these poor dudes' arms out of their sockets? It worries me. (This is the cover of the December 1950 Popular Mechanics. I buy old guys' collections of the magazine.)

I bet the "inventions" and "good ideas" depicted in my old issues of Popular Mechanics were never tested. In fact, I suspect that many were just the fanciful brainfarts of someone who stayed cozily at their desk in NYC and peacefully puffed on a pipe while in small towns everywhere people blew themselves up, turned into human torches, and lurched off precipes into a vast blue nothingness. Back in the day, people didn't sue as much--they just figured it was Crazy Uncle Ralph's look-see if he went sailing off a precipice, not Pop Mechs' fault.

Speaking of "good ideas," this do-it-yourself bicycle chariot says to me not just, "Whee!" but "Little Darla is about to lose the front teeth that just grew in" (little Sammy seems to know this with his devil-may-care trike racer stance). Am I an alarmist? This just seems like an accident waiting to happen. The gift of major dental surgery that keeps on giving...
And speaking of gifts, let's mosey on to Christmas "good ideas." Popular Mechanics circa December 1950 has LOTS of 'em.

GIFT IDEA #1: Child-In-A-Bag
Okay, as it turns out these are NOT directions for a child-in-a-bag but for a laundry bag FOR a child WITH the child's face on it. I am horrified. The child in the picture is horrified. It would terrify me to wake up in the night and see the shadowy hulk of me across the room. With laundry in me.

GIFT IDEA #2: Paintings by "The Great Masters" rendered in SEEDSThis takes patience, time, and a certain amount of quiet desperation. I suggest that you start this project now and prepare to have it as a gift two years hence. Best of luck. If you lose your mind, please sue Popular Mechanics and not me. Thank you.

GIFT IDEA #3: A Telescoping House Trailer
Please make me one now, I want one. All kidding aside. I want this. The directions appear above. Thank you.

Finally, if you have a Christmas tree or if you have friends who have Christmas trees, you might want to pass the following info on to them. This is Mr. Christmas Tree. I always thought that trees grew in the woods, but apparently they grow out of Mr. Christmas Tree's left hand. He must be pretty old by now!
Fire can be a problem with Christmas trees. Pop Mechs has a solution. Simply station your young children beneath the tree throughout the holiday season so they can raise an alarm if there's trouble. All set? You bet! Thanks for stopping by!
TODAY'S BONUS FEATURE: A Cute Old Ad...Just Because!

Corn!

My topic for today is corn. Delicious with butter, pepper, and salt. Good on the cob or off the cob. Fine in fritters, pleasurable popped (except when the little corn skins seek their revenge by digging in between your teeth and burrowing, knifelike, into your gums). So, here are a few thoughts vaguely related to corn.

"Solving Home Problems" is one of my favorite features in my old Popular Mechanics. You know what? They never have a problem that I need to solve. Also, I can't understand the solutions--they always involve banjo picks, boilers, and measuring stuff in a competent fashion. I find myself nodding my head cluelessly, as if I were back in math class. Yet, the people in the illustrations always look kind of jolly and I like the use of color in the illustrations, like the smart touches of green shown above.

At any rate, please focus on Figure 4 above. It shows a "bouquet of slices cut from an ear of corn and impaled on wire stems. Corn husks are used to simulate the leaves," also corn niblets fill the base of the planter. Okay. You know what this means don't you? Blood. Blood spilled all over the kitchen and splashed upon the kitchen walls. Have you tried to cut a corn cob? It will not give up without a fight, and I will be the loser in that battle. I mean, this calls for thin little flowery slices of corn without mushing the corn. Impossible, I say! The whole operation is a bit violent, anyway. Is it really necessary to "impale" the bouquet of slices on wire stems? Even if I'm all brutal and I try to do that, do you know who gets impaled? Me. I get impaled. I say, "Don't try this at home." Onward to our next corn contemplation.
This is a squirrel feeder at my sister's house. Yes, there is a very long story behind this feeder. It is a story of dark mischief and mayhem, with squirrels feasting endlessly on buds on bushes, digging up bulbs for sport, vaulting into window boxes and burrowing, running around with small children in their mouths, and generally acting like a pack of vikings on weekend furlough. My sister, a peaceful vegetarian sort and dedicated gardener, took to muttering stuff under her breath about "Buying a gun from the back of some guy's truck and offing them all." This was quite uncharacteristic of her, but pretty funny to me--the crudgirl younger sister.

Instead, as you see, my sister went a different route. She bought a squirrel feeder and began to offer up corn sacrifices to the angry squirrel gods. The feeder is kind of fun. You screw ears of "feed corn" on (it comes in a large sack) and sit back and watch. This squirrel started by standing at the top of the thing and sloooowly swinging around so he was hanging upside down. It did not bother him. Nothing bothers squirrels. Did the wheel work? For a little while. Then, they started ripping the corn off the wheel and running away with it. I think they liked a spot of variety to go along with raiding the flowerbeds.
The last item in our gallery of corn is the book I am reading right now--a mystery by Ngaio Marsh. A central point in the plot is a really terrible opera called, "The Alien Corn." At one point, the man who wrote the opera overhears someone singing the first line, "Alooooone! Alooooone amidst the alien corrrrrrn!" and he suddenly realizes how awful it is and that he is trapped in conducting it even though it really sucks. It is a bad, bad moment for him. Anyway, two points remotely related to this book: 1) For far too long, I mispronounced this author's name. Horribly. I also mispronounced the name of the author's primary character. My sister corrected me. I think the only time I have helped adjust how my sister says a word was "impotent." She was pronouncing it impo'tant. Never mind how the matter came up. Or didn't come up. 2) On the backs of many of Ngaio Marsh's books, people are quoted as saying stuff like, "She's better than Christie!" and "Now, they should compare Christie to Marsh!" It's like some Christie/Marsh literary cage match. Probably embarrassing for both of them.

HAVE A LOVELY WEEKEND! Maybe have some corn, if you can get some good fresh from a farmstand? Just make sure it's not alien corn.