That darn johnny

I'm a little cancery right now--nothing major--and I think I'll be posting again from time to time, so drop on by if you get a chance. Video footage of godzilla riding the handlebars of my bicycle will be up in the next post (I'm not sure if that qualifies as a coming attraction or a warning).

I'm getting treated with radiation. Here is a current photo of me. As you will note, there have been minimal side effects and my new super power is being able to spew fire while looking like a scary baby (I was hoping for x-ray vision or flight abilities, but whatever):

At the moment, I'm having some serious problems with the darn johnny I wear every morning. Either I'm naked at the wrong time. Or, I'm fully clothed at the wrong time. Or, I'm stripping at the wrong time. I'm not sure why I keep getting it wrong. All I know is this johnny stuff is tricky. Plus: I'm the only one in the waiting room who's ever wearing one. Maybe everyone else has cancery clothes that are being zapped? If so, what super powers will their clothes get?

1) I'm on time for my treatment, I park in my special close parking spot (yeah you should be jealous--I get a special close parking spot), I smoothly greet staff, I scan my id card, I swiftly & efficiently change into my johnny & robe, zip zoom I'm in the room, zip zoom I'm up on the table. The technicians hover. I pull down my johnny. I am still wearing my shiny red bra. I forgot to take it off. (Note: It's not supposed to be on.) The technicians are embarrassed! Why? They have a whole computer full of photos of me without it. But, they are very embarrassed. "Should I turn away while you take it off?" one technician asks. "Heck, no!" I cry, whipping it off & tossing it to one side. (Suddenly, however, I feel like I should charge them money...possibly have music?)

2) I leave my bra off--at home. If I'm not wearing it, I cannot forget that I'm wearing it. Right? Theoretically, it's a fine strategy. I'm seein' a doctor & nurse after my treatment. There I am sitting in my street clothes casually chatting about side effects when suddenly they ask..."Can we take a look?" One of them mutters "It's easier if you keep the johnny on..." "Well, can I just flip my shirt up?" I ask, worrying that I'll need to go back, get the johnny, put it on, tie it up, and come back and untie and pull down the johnny. "SURE!" they cry, beaming. Again...such is their supportive enthusiasm that I feel like I should charge them. (More for the side they're the most interested in and I'll give them a freebie for the other one? That seems fair.)

3) I've got it all under control. Troublemaking red bra is at home. Wore the johnny at all the right times. Untied the johnny in all the right spots. Perfect. I got it. I finally got it. I stride into the changing room. Whip off the johnny & robe. Toss them into the Soiled Laundry with a very cool flourish. A FLOURISH! Realize I left my clothes in a locker outside. Sigh. Pick up another darn johnny. Go back for clothes.

Am thinking I should just come dressed in a johnny with a smart jacket over it & coordinating shoes/gloves/hat/purse.

Here are some way cool pictures that I stole from other bloggers--one from Molly Lewis and two from a guy who is stuck with a comb and the fourth from I'm not sure?

Bad Words

"Good morning! Yeah, we're breaking the Fourth Wall yet again. By this point, we are in a condition of peril so very dire that we are nearly beyond rescue. She better bail us out of this sometime soon. Anyhoo, she want us to pass along a list of filthy words today. Here goes!"

1) Liver.
2) Bottleneck.
3) Test.
4) Stench.
5) FU##! It is important to note that "Fudge," "Funk," "Frick" are not bad words--although Lois did get in trouble for using "Frick." (Note: FU## is a useful word, and I admit to using it upon occasion. Yet, it must be a bad word because it scares my neighbors so very badly when I bellow it aloud after smacking my head on a cabinet and making a sound like a pumpkin smashed on the pavement.)
6) SH##! It is important to note that "Shinola," "Sheesh," and "Sugar" are not bad words. (Note: SH## is a useful and satisfying word, and I admit to using it upon occasion. Yet, it must be a bad word because I feel guilty if I bellow it aloud around a child.)
7) Bloody! I'm not sure why this appears to be such a bad swear word overseas. Is it? Can anyone explain? Do I not understand because I'm from the violent U.S. and "bloody" is everywhere...practically part of the names of our breakfast cereals? Bloody Oaties with Marshmallow Clusters (lead-painted toys in every box)?
8) Splinter.
9) Oozy. "Seeping" is pretty bad, too.
10) Crusty is a word that can be disgusting or delicious--entirely depends on the context. Combine crusty with stench and oozy and you've got a recipe for gut-wrenching nausea. Yet, crusty plays happily with macaroni and cheese. Ahhhhh.
11) But this is about bad words. Like: Deadline! Anything that has to do with mortality AND work simultaneously cannot be good.
12) "scopy"--anything with a "scopy" at the end of it is bad. You don't find a lot of delicious chocolatescopy (chocoscopy) in this world, do you?
13) Probe. See scopy above.
14) ?????
15) ????
16) ????