I Translate Pamphlet Covers For You

You and Your Attitude Have Scary Roundy Heads

 If You Are Making Out and Question Marks Appear in the Air, Be Very Worried

 Now That You Are A Young Lady, You Will Spend Hours Staring Into Lockers... If You Try to Be Abstinent, A Giant Bed Will Follow You Wherever You Go Get a Load of This! Natural Gas is Cuddly and Fun! Whee! Play with It! Improve Your Interpersonal Skills by Forcing Others to Shake Hands! How to Recycle: Dump Everything Into One Can And Throw It Anywhere!

What Happens When You Smoke Marijuana: You stand around and make fun of your friend who is cold and scared because he has not smoked marijuana! How to Develop Leadership Skills: Get People to Follow You Up a Staircase to Nowhere

 If Your Coworker is Crouched Down with a Globe On His Shoulders, Don't Ponder It--Run.

Improve Your Listening Skills by Growing Ears!  If A Giant Stopwatch Falls on Your Friend, Fondle Him!  In An Emergency, Wave Goodbye to All You Hold Dear

If You Cannot Get Cocaine, Your Brain Will Break In Two

  You Might Need to Remind Your Elderly Relative Where He Hid the Booze

  To Conserve Your Hearing on the Job, Tune Out Your Coworkers You Do Not Want to Know About "Universal Precautions." Rubber Glove? 'nuff Said. Poop is Shaped Like Flowers. Do Not Mistake It For Flowers.  Conserve Water? Why? It is Plentiful and Jolly and Loves Being Squandered! If You Allow Yourself to Be Crucified at Work, That's a Winning Attitude, Mister!

Incredible Infographics Explained by Algernon

Um, yeah. I am, um, Algernon. Others often volunteer me to do unpleasant things, and I am often sad about that. Today, it is my sad and unpleasant duty to try to explain this infographic.

 

Okay, my top 5 Takeaways are:

1. Mice have nervous breakdowns? My heart has never ached for mice as much as it does right now.
2. But, instead of having a nervous breakdown, that mouse looks like it got a cheap thrill by pressing the button. I am now very confused. I might be heading for a nervous breakdown involving pools of tears.
3. Being an easy victim of Hitler looks hard: You gotta hold one leg up at a 90 degree angle. Ow. And only Hitler got to have hair--kind of a Donald Trump-like "Hair Awning," but at least hair.
4. The Germans were very confused when the mouse became very confused and that caused WWII.
5. At least the mouse got some cheese for awhile, man. Everybody else gets bubkes here.

Top Takeaway:
Everybody should just eat cheese and not fight each other or get zapped by electricity. Eat Cheese.

Incredible Infographics Explained by Cappy

Hello! Cappy here. I've been known to hit the sauce a bit because everyone knows it is great for stress and general good times. So, I'll just give you a second to go mix me up a Harvey Wallbanger, and then we'll get started. As we know, Vitamin C is crucial to our health--so mix one up for you, too.

Thanks! Here's mud in your eye! Let's take a look at this Incredible Infographic and figure out our key takeaways. I think that...WAIT A GOSH DARN MINUTE HERE...what the heckamire is this?

 

Oh...whew. Sorry for flying off the handle. I think I've got this thing figured out. I was not hitherto familiar with the word "alcoholism," but alcoholism must be when you are lacking access to alcohol. Now this thing makes sense. Here are my key takeaways, and I'm sure they're yours, too...

1) #1 frame is missing a verb and some key words. "Educate community to sympathetic understanding." I would edit this to say: "Educate community to achieve a sympathic understanding that Cappy needs alcohol."

2) #2 frame is pretty straightforward. If Cappy gets sick, "Make medical treatment available and have a hot nurse bring Cappy a nice, big glass of booze."

3) #3 and #4 frames...that's all over my head, Professor. Where's the booze here? Stick to the point.

4) #5 frame. Now you're talkin', Professor! SUPPORT RESEARCH on how to get me more booze.

5) #6 frame. There's a frickin' TREE on top of the guy's frickin' HOUSE and he has a toxic waste-belching factory in the backyard. Whoever lives here needs a drink STAT.

TOP TAKEAWAY: I need another drink if you're gonna make me do this again. This stuff makes my mind all swimmy.

Gyps and Swindles to Watch Out For!

Hi-ho...Lester here! I like to maintain a sense of cautious hopefulness about life, but sometimes I read things that make me nervous.

For example, I have been catching up on current trends in crime. Things have changed a lot since my time, and I think it's good to be hopeful plus informed about possible stranger danger, y'know?

 

According to this pamphlet I'm reading, you people come up with some complicated schemes...I care about you, so I'll give you the list of things to watch out for:

1) "Doctor Buncombe's Magic Electro-Vitamin Belt"--I know, right? Sounds great to me, but I guess it is supposed to be a bad idea cooked up by flim-flam men...BTW: Be on the look-out for "Viola Cream," "Vit-O-Net," and "Gland-Glad," too (you don't want to know why, just take my word for it).
2)  Anything that claims to cure: "Radio Ear," "Paralyzed Pores," "Germ Mask," and "Cheap Soap Complexion."
3) "Spanish Prisoner Fraud," "Canadian Slickers," and "Plantation Rackets."
4) Anyone that tries to sell you something related to "Gold from Ocean," "Height Increasing," "Hard Luck Stories," "Buried Treasures," "Popularity Contests," "Movie Screen Tests," and..."Panama Hats." I've always hoped to get a Panama hat--I think I'd look good in one--but my booklet says ix-nay, and I must say that has put the kibosh on my hopes...

Have a cautiously hopeful, yet informed, day!

Incredible Infographics Explained by Eli

Heigh-ho, I am Eli Ringtail-Tooter and I fight for justice every day except for Wednesdays. Each Wednesday, I bend my keen and agile legal mind to mastering the subtle art of decoupage.

Today, I'm here to explain how the pressure groups work (it's not enough to say "pressure groups," you need to say "the pressure groups"). First, what are YOUR key takeaways?

Okay: Is your takeaway that the pressure groups are stealthy, unprincipled mofos? SURE! That's one possible key takeaway. However, here are some other key takeaways:

1) You cannot have the pressure groups without a whole lot of the little rectangles and arrows.
2) If you take away the rectangles and arrows, you render the pressure groups powerless!
3) Be sure to take away the pressure groups' dark shading; they cannot be "under cover" without it.
4) Almost everyone in the pressure groups and general public is a blank-faced scary lookin' mofo.
5) Only propagandists have faces. They have two faces, plus a big diamond-shaped lollipop.
6) Are you a "front" or an "innocent"? I'm not sure which I am. It keeps me up at night.
7) Avoid all media. Death-ray-emitting radios that smite you in your armchair! Homicidal flying newspapers! Treacherously sliding billboards! Giant airborne textbooks!

Incredible InfoGraphics Explained by Cappy

Ahoy there. I'm Cappy. This morning, I have already enjoyed several refreshing libations--Harvey Wallbangers, if you must know, because the orange juice is healthful in the a.m. My wits are keen, my analysis skills are laser sharp, and I am fully prepared to explain an extremely important Incredible Infographic to you!

First, what are YOUR key takeaways? I'll give you a few minutes to think about it while I go over and chat with my friend the bartender.

Okay. Are your takeaways that "Of every 20 epileptics who are not self-supporting 16 were found to be employable and of the remaining 4 one did not want to work, two according to their past records were not reliable, and only one could not work because of sickness"? WRONG! Here are the correct takeaways:

1) How are those 16 guys gonna fit into those tiny little boxes with the squiggly stuff on top? 
2) How can those tiny little boxes with the squiggly stuff on top result in gainful employment?
3) Those 16 guys march well, this is true. But: Do they think they can fit in there? They worry me.
4) Mr. One Guy Who Did Not Want to Work is...Mr. SMARTEST GUY, yo! He knows he is not gonna be able to fit in those tiny little boxes. He just sits back and says, "No thanks, dude. I'm good."
5) Mr. Two Guys Who Were Not Reliable are...ALSO Mr. Smartest Guys! If being reliable makes you march off and try to squeeze yourself into tiny little boxes I say it is a poor idea to be reliable.
6) Mr. One Guy Who Could Not Work Because of Sickness is...ALSO Mr. Smartest Guy! Between you, me, and the barkeep: His sickness is due to trying to squish himself into tiny little boxes with the squiggly stuff on top. He is sick of that and he would rather roam the fjords. Go little sick guy GO!