Seahorse Ranching, Hummers, Tough Questions, Etc.

I am supposed to be working this weekend. I do not love working this weekend. This state of affairs prompts me to think up names of new careers that might be fun: Seahorse Rancher and Courtesy Cop are the frontrunners.

And, am I getting oodles of work accomplished? Well, no. I have been taking photographs.

DO YOU HAVE A DISGRACEFULLY GRUBBY MOTHER AND FATHER?
HUMMERS
READ AND OBEY (i recommend the pie)
"I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW. WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING ME?"

Ask Pop Mechs! He Has the Answers to All Your Questions!

Dear Pop Mechs,
My fiance and I love to go to the beach. We find that it is very peaceful to commune with nature and listen to the soothing, gentle crash of the waves upon the shore. We like to look for shells, but we have a very hard time finding whole sand dollars and conch shells. Do you have any tips for us? Thanks so much for your help!
Love, Katie Sue from Kalamazoo

Dear Zoo Gal,
An estimated $30,000,000,000,000 in gold beneath the sea awaits anyone who will take it. Not pirate treasure, but tiny particles of the yellow metal held in suspension in the water. This represents about $15,000 apiece for every man, woman, and child in the entire world.
All set? You bet! Thanks for stoppin' by!
Pops

Dear Pop Mechs,
Who's Zoo Gal? Are you talking to me? Either way, forget the freakin' sand dollars. How do I get me some of this gold? Can I use a sieve and my little sand pail and shovel? Do I need to rent some special drilling equipment? Because I'll do that, I'll put on a hard hat and mine that baby for all she's worth.
I'll Call Myself Zoo Gal And Dress Up Like A Kangaroo If You Tell Me How to Get that Gold

Dear Zoo Gal,
It would cost more to extract this gold than it is worth at the present market value. And besides, the ocean holds even greater wealth in animal, vegetable, and mineral resources that can be used advantageously by man.
All set? You bet! Thanks for stoppin' by!
Pops

Dear Pop Mechs,
What are you, some kind of sadist? First you tell me there's gold, then you say I can't get the gold, then you draw my attention to the "greater wealth in animal, vegetable, and mineral resources"? And, you said "And besides..." in a very condescending way. Look, I fought hard to get off the farm, mister. I want nothing to do with animal, vegetable, and mineral resources. Give me something I can use here.
Kate

Dear Zoo Gal,
Seaweeds are used in many ways: (A) Young specimens of the California giant kelp are a source of acetone and potash. (B) Purple laver is used in soups and eaten raw. (C) California agarweed is used as the basis for microbiological culture media. (D) Irish moss from Massachusetts, which produces carrageenin, is used in candy, jellies, and salad dressing. (E) East Coast broadleaf kelp produces algin used in ice cream, cake icings, and dental impressions.
All set? You bet! Thanks for stoppin' by!
Pops

Dear Pops,
Swell. Thanks very much. I can now no longer bear the thought of eating my favorite foods: candy, jellies, ice cream, cake icings, and salad dressings. Thanks. Yes, indeedy. Thanks. You are an annoying old man. Just forget I asked you my shell question, okay? Let's just nip this in the bud.
K.S.

Dear Zoo Gal,
The practical aspects of oceanographic research--together with the natural curiosity of man--should insure the continuation and expansion of the investigations of this last great unexplored frontier. Maybe science will even find a way to get that $30,000,000,000,000 in gold some day! All set? You bet! Thanks for stoppin' by!
Pops

Actual Transcript of a Telephone Call

Sparkle: "So, you know, sometimes the approach you're proposing can work well--sometimes not so much. Why don't we keep an eye on the process* and see how it goes?"

Client: "Did you just say no to me?"

Sparkle: "?"

Client: "Because I think you just said no to me, but in a nice way. Did you just say no to me in a nice way?"

Sparkle: "Yes."

Client: "Are you always this nice?"

Sparkle: "?"

Client: "Because you haven't said anything absolutely negative yet. And, you're so nice.** And, you seem to have an accent of some sort. Are you from Minnesota? Are you from somewhere nice?"

Sparkle: "No. Uh...where was I? So, I'll have a lot of queries for you by the end of the week, and..."

*Yes. I say things like this to clients. Yes. I do.
**Whenever someone says I'm "so nice" it kind of makes me want to be mean or naughty. This is, no doubt, a very immature reaction.