Thursday, December 18, 2008

Hot Tip, TravelDialogues, Girl's Navy Mascot

HOT TIP
The hot glue gun is the greatest tool known to humanity. Having overcome my lifelong fear of hotgluing my arms to the sides of my body, I am now hotgluing the world around me. Nothing is safe. Be warned.

TRAVELDIALOGUES
The Magazine
Me (on plane, reading magazine)
Woman Next to Me: "How are you enjoying your MAGAZINE?"
Me (looking up smiling): "Oh, it's just fine."
Woman Next to Me: "I have to tell you that I have never read a magazine in my whole life. Never."
Me (thinking "Why do you have to tell me this" and smiling in confusion): "Ah! Oh ho."
Woman Next to Me: "Never. I have never read a magazine. I never would."
Me (very confused--suddenly feel like we're talking about smoking): "Well, good for you! For heaven's sake, don't take it up now."
Woman Next to Me: "No. I won't. I never would. I had brothers growing up so I NEVER read a magazine. Not a one."
Me (unsure of connection, think she means she was a tomboy): "Wow! Well, how many brothers do you have?"
Woman (defiantly): "TWO!"
Me: "Well, grand."
Woman: "I would NEVER read a magazine."
Me (feeling rebellious): "What about NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC?"
Woman: "NEVER."
Me: "Okay!" (Go back to reading magazine.)

The Elevator
Me (traveling up in elevator)
Boop--elevator stops on Floor 16, doors open, two middle-aged guys are standing there looking shocked
Guy 1: "Oops! Are you going up?"
Me: "Yep."
Guy 2: "Sorry! We're going down. We musta pushed the wrong button here."
Me: "No problem!"
Guy 1: "It's like we're controlling the elevators! Like Darth Vader! LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER!"
Me: "HA! It's okay. I'm off."
Boop--doors close. Boop--doors open.
Guy 1: "Holy crap. It doesn't want to go up. What'd we do?"
Guy 2: "It's Princess Leia!"
Me: "HA! It's okay. I'm off."
Boop--doors close. Boop--doors open.
Both men are slinking over to the opposite bank of elevators, where one "down" elevator has opened.
Guy 1: "SORRY! We didn't touch anything!"
Me: "Surrrrre you didn't."
Guy 2: "No, really!"
Me: "Have a good one!"
Boop--doors close. Boop--doors open, revealing empty corridor. Sparkle steps out of elevator, hits up button outside elevator, steps back in, elevator proceeds up.

MEET THE NEW MASCOT OF THE GIRL'S NAVY: THE MYSTICAL BAT WOMAN! (I will be getting a tattoo of this, this...prehistoric alien wearing a dashiki)