Yesterday, I did some grocery shopping in the late afternoon. Few things to pick up. Milk. Some cider. Salad for dinner. Like that. There were only a few people around--some elderly people, a sprinkling of moms with their kids in the little cars attached to shopping carts, some guys who looked like they work construction and just got out of work.
As I sashayed up and down the aisles, everybody was STARING at me. Now if it was just the guys, I'd feel a little, y'know, slinky. If it was just the moms, I'd think they were bored and in need of some adult chat. If it was just the elderly, I'd think they'd need me to hook a box of something off a high shelf--a feat I planned to execute by climbing on the bottom shelf and lurching drunkenly at the top shelf until I managed to either pull down the shelving or snagged the box.
Yet, nobody seemed to WANT anything from me. They were just staring at me. Weird. Inexplicable. Bizarro.
Wait. Booger hanging from nose? Negative. Huh. Weird. I get to the checkout. The cashier is cordial, doesn't stare. The bag boy is dissolving in giggles for no particularly good reason. I assume he is high or "special, bless his heart for trying," as my grandmother might phrase it.
I'm cheery. I complete my transaction.
Walk to my car. Start to open the door to stow the groceries, catch a glimpse of myself in the window of the car. AH. AH-ha. So, yesterday when my friend had the "procedure," she gave me this little "America's Top Model" doll that she got in her happy meal. Last week, I copped to the fact that I occasionally watch the show until I have to quickly change the channel because someone's being really bitchy.
So, what do you do when your friend is doped up from a procedure and you want to make her laugh? RIGHT! You stick the doll down the front of your blouse so the doll's head is popping out of your cleavage!
Lesson #1: Who knew? Dolls' heads popping out of your cleavage make people stare.
Lesson #2: I'm "special, bless my heart for trying."
Have a great day.
What Have You Bookmarked Lately?
1) THE MOVIELAND WAX MUSEUM AND PALACE OF LIVING ART(I'm so depressed--it closed in 2006 and they auctioned everything off. QUESTION: WHO BOUGHT THE WAX FIGURES???) Check out this link to see some cool/creepy tableaux from the museum when it was open.
2) "THE CREEPY JOY OF COOKING WITH VINCENT PRICE"--Here's a great article about Vincent Price and his love of cuisine.
3) BIGGIE THE BENTO BOX LUNCH LADY! I LOVE HER LITTLE LUNCHES AND WOULD LIKE HER TO MAKE ME ONE EVERY DAY. You can check out Biggie's recipes, lunches, and tips here, as well as her sample "airplane snack boxes."
4) THE REAL DEADWOOD Yep. I used to watch "Deadwood," and I figured that most of it was heavily embroidered. I was wrong. Legends of America and The Adams Deadwood Museum have even more exotic tales to tell and great photographs.
THE CHINESE FIRE DEPARTMENT
5) SLOBOT ABOUT TOWN: A ROBOT GUY SHOWS US BEAUTIFUL SPARTANBURG, SOUTH CAROLINA! I cannot get enough of Slobot. I hope he adds more tours.
2) "THE CREEPY JOY OF COOKING WITH VINCENT PRICE"--Here's a great article about Vincent Price and his love of cuisine.
3) BIGGIE THE BENTO BOX LUNCH LADY! I LOVE HER LITTLE LUNCHES AND WOULD LIKE HER TO MAKE ME ONE EVERY DAY. You can check out Biggie's recipes, lunches, and tips here, as well as her sample "airplane snack boxes."
4) THE REAL DEADWOOD Yep. I used to watch "Deadwood," and I figured that most of it was heavily embroidered. I was wrong. Legends of America and The Adams Deadwood Museum have even more exotic tales to tell and great photographs.THE CHINESE FIRE DEPARTMENT
5) SLOBOT ABOUT TOWN: A ROBOT GUY SHOWS US BEAUTIFUL SPARTANBURG, SOUTH CAROLINA! I cannot get enough of Slobot. I hope he adds more tours.
The Week In Review: Buys Blouse, Sees Deer, Watches Debate
SPARKLE BUYS FREAKISH VICTORIAN MONKEY BLOUSE!
Sparkle: "Hi!"
Store Clerk: "Hi!"
Sparkle (picking up freakishly tiny garment): "Wow! What a cute shirt for a tiny little kid!"
Store Clerk: "That is not for a child."
Sparkle: "Really? Who's it for? It's kind of like...something a tiny Victorian monkey would wear...Or a doll..."
Store Clerk: "It stretches to fit anyone."
Sparkle: "What th'?!" (carefully stretches blouse) "Well, I'll be danged! You're right."
To sum up: Sparkle now owns something a tiny Victorian monkey would wear.
SEES A DEER IN FRONT YARD! (Sorry about lousy pictures. I know--looks like it could be a chupacabra, not a deer.)
To sum up: Some week, I will get a GOOD picture of a deer. Not this week.
WATCHES DEBATE!
I'm definitely voting for Obama and O'Biden 'cause I betcha O'Biden is a leprechaun who can grant me wishes and probably has a lucky pot o' gold that will help bail Main Street and Wall Street out of their fundamental fiscal woes!!! (Also: I betcha he has lucky charms that might even be magically delicious!)
To sum up: Joe Six-Pack likes frosted Lucky Charms 'cause they're magically delicious!
Have a great weekend!
Sparkle: "Hi!"
Store Clerk: "Hi!"
Sparkle (picking up freakishly tiny garment): "Wow! What a cute shirt for a tiny little kid!"
Store Clerk: "That is not for a child."
Sparkle: "Really? Who's it for? It's kind of like...something a tiny Victorian monkey would wear...Or a doll..."
Store Clerk: "It stretches to fit anyone."
Sparkle: "What th'?!" (carefully stretches blouse) "Well, I'll be danged! You're right."
To sum up: Sparkle now owns something a tiny Victorian monkey would wear.
SEES A DEER IN FRONT YARD! (Sorry about lousy pictures. I know--looks like it could be a chupacabra, not a deer.)
To sum up: Some week, I will get a GOOD picture of a deer. Not this week.WATCHES DEBATE!
I'm definitely voting for Obama and O'Biden 'cause I betcha O'Biden is a leprechaun who can grant me wishes and probably has a lucky pot o' gold that will help bail Main Street and Wall Street out of their fundamental fiscal woes!!! (Also: I betcha he has lucky charms that might even be magically delicious!)
To sum up: Joe Six-Pack likes frosted Lucky Charms 'cause they're magically delicious!
Have a great weekend!
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