Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Hey, Movie Dude! Get A Cat!


Lily hasn't had very much experience with television. Actually, I don't think she has had ANY experience with television. In the old country, it was enough to sit and stare at a blade of grass. So now, she has a very emotional experience if a dog comes on the television and starts barking. She swivels her head around sharply as if saying, "WTF! How the heck did he get in here and why is he stuck in the shiny box?" Then, she advances toward the television giving hoarse cries of sympathy. If she just happens to looks up and SEE a dog on the television--barking or not--she advances toward the television, pops up on her hind legs, puts her front paws on the television stand, and stares at the screen. This is pretty cute and fascinating, but sometimes I'm watching a movie and I just want to watch the movie without Lily having an emotional reaction.

Here's the problem: Everything I have been watching lately has a dog in it. Often, a barking dog is in some kind of dire peril which makes Lily very, very emotional. As it turns out, dogs are key players in many kind of films and, distressingly, they're often leading humans into great danger. Such danger-magnets are dogs that I've decided that many plots would collapse without a dog and, on a human level, the characters in the movie or television show would be far, far better off if they had a cat.

1) "The Brave One": Jodie Foster and Guy from Lost do not need to go to the park to walk the dog because they have a cat. They stay in, eat Chinese food, watch a movie featuring a dog (that the cat is not at all phased by), get married, and live happily ever after. Title must, therefore, be changed to "The Contented One." All because there is no dog.
2) "I Am Legend": Will Smith happily lives out his life in his super-reinforced house. Sure, he doesn't find a cure for the dread mutant zombie plague, but his cat shows no desire to venture outside--definitely not to run willy-nilly into a stronghold of mutant zombies--and he and his cat spend endless enjoyable hours playing with a piece of yarn. Title must, therefore, be changed to "I Am Cozy." All because there is no dog.

Then, of course, we have more jolly fare--comedies and Disney snuff films.
1) "Best in Show": Sorry, we have to get rid of this whole movie which is unfortunate because I love it.
2) "Old Yeller": Sorry, we have to get rid of this whole movie which I don't regret that much and which Lily is just never gonna see.

Oh, my what a world: http://www.themoviefordogs.com/ I just found this as I was sniffing around the Internet. You're supposed to show this movie to your dog so it doesn't get lonely. Hoo boy. The second I opened the link (what--I was curious, I'm not gonna buy it), a tiny little "Woof!" came out of my laptop speakers directly into Lily's ear. She awoke instantly and trotted to the back door to see who was outside. She's still not sure what happened and is restlessly conducting a room-by-room search.

And now, for something completely different.
I was looking at Web sites to help a friend find an apartment, and I came across this text. It's kind of like someone ate the real estate ads of a newspaper and threw them up. Or something:
"This is a foxy and magnificent neighborhood with fine, symmetrical, classy, and bewitching houseboat, apartment, hacienda, and houseboats. Co-workers, denizens, and better halves inspect and frisk and determine mountain chalet, log houseboat, resort chalet, and oceanfront houseboat. Our site does accommodate various locality beachfront, private, lakefront, and beachfront bungalow, cottage, and villas. We made and composed our webpage to be fair and sightly. The beachfront listings, log listed properties, log indexes, and studio advertisements for these can be mapped.

"Householders and companions who are studying houses for rent and are trying to conceive homes for rent OR VRBO rental homes, and condos for rent can rake our website and our ski in/out classified ads, resort classified ads, loft listings, and beach advertisements. Usually, collaborate and bail out your roomers, buddies, and roommates to a spinach, well-known, extensive, and winning sector. Our online website consist ofs vicinity, domain, and block poop sheet, customarily. Using our website, real estate agents numerate vacation home, hacienda, vacation home, and villa listings."

If a Web site can partake in hallucinogens, this one has done so.