Sunday, January 13, 2008

Dude...Where's My Colander?

Dear Sparkle,

Okay, it's time to do a post-move post-mortem.

1) Next time, do not get deathly ill during moving week. Please. Just don't do it. Especially if you have a project to complete, too. Bad idea, okay?
2) Next time, try to buy labels far enough in advance so that you do not have to resort to "Hello My Name Is..." tags for your boxes. Yes, it's friendly. Yet, it just doesn't seem quite right.
3) Next time, try to buy magic markers that--after inhaling deeply of their brain-bending inky mojo as you label 56 boxes of books--don't make you see magic elves capering across the highway beckoning to you. Breathe deeply. Yes. You can still smell the markers, can't you? Your lungs burn. Don't do that again.
4) Next time, try to label boxes better. Labeling a box "Hello, My Name Is...Old Weird Stuff" is not helpful and, post-move, will not rapidly alert you that the lamp you are seeking (muttering bleakly, "I bet it's still on the truck") is cozily snuggled up in a piece of vintage japanese kimono fabric in the bottom of said Old Weird Stuff box.
(But, I'll give you this, it IS a good idea to indicate that two of the 56 boxes of books contain "Best Books" that you'll want to read at bedtime as you settle in--as is true of these Rex Stout, Betty McDonald, and Galbraith books.)
5) Next time, remember that the puppy will not help pack, unpack, or deploy goods. She WILL accept snacks, however.
And, while she will not shelve books, she WILL sniff them.
6) Next time, remember to get a boot rack or thin the herd of shoes--one or the other. For example, isn't it time to throw away the Doc Martens? You know there's a hole on the side of the left one. Oh. Oh, sure. You'll "get them fixed."
7) Good job! Games SHOULD go on the mantel.
8) Good job! That can stay there for right now.
9) Good job! You got the first shelf of Popular Mechanics done, with "display issues"; only three more shelves to go.
10) Good job! That magic scale looks good next to the magic bowl of tangerines.
11) GREAT SCOTT! It's a chupacabra! Let her out! Let her out into the back yard immediately! One can see the bloodlust in her eye. Either that or it's a clumsily-applied bit of techno-trickery. No! Bloodlust! It must be! Lock your doors, neighborhood goats! Bar your windows!
To Sum Up: I moved!