Saturday, April 25, 2009

Friday, April 17, 2009

Why It's Good and Bad to Have an Editor Accompany You to the Hospital!

1) While you wait in pre-op for three hours, the editor will keep you entertained by rewording the pain scale and asking questions like, "Why is the little blue face smiling if it is annoyed? Does it enjoy mild pain? What kind of a freak is that little blue face?" and "How hard can it be to fit the word 'objects' in with the word 'Sharp' up there? 'Place sharp horizontally' sounds like those poorly-translated directions on firecracker packages." The editor will also say, "I like the use of italics in 'Please tell us if you are having pain...' Sparingly used for emphasis, italics can be quite powerful." This will be fun, I promise.

2) As you awaken from surgery, the editor will ask you questions such as "Are you going to tell the nurse your pain is 'unbearable and excruciating'? Why not just cut to the chase and scream 'MORE MEDS NOW!'" or "Don't you think they should add another smiley face to the chart? I think they need a really drugged-out, groovy-looking smiley face drawn with wavy lines. That's kinda how you look right now. Here, eat this graham cracker. I'm going to go tell the nurse that they need to add a wasted-looking smiley face to the chart. Be right back." This, too, will be fun.

Have a great weekend, and I hope your Friday is smooth and warrants the "No Pain" smiley face on the Wong/Baker Faces Rating Scale.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Picture This!

1) So, I'm walking through the woods near the farm on Sunday. I happen to glance over to my left and there are 12 magnificent deer about 20 feet away--yep, I'm pretty sure this qualifies as a herd--standing there looking at me. I freeze. We have a stare-down. And then, one by one, they all go springing acrobatically off through the woods with their white tails flashing. Boing...boing...boing...(They did not make that noise.) My camera was nowhere to be found. Thank goodness my cell phone takes pictures! It was at home, too.

2) So, I'm walking by a pond today. The sun comes winking in and out from behind a cloud. The pond is really full because of all of the rain, and it was looking all glistening and clear and pretty and picturesque. As I glance over to the far shore, I see a gigantic heron sitting there, posing in a very artistic manner and, staring back at me. Lily and I get closer and closer. I remember I have my phone with me, so I stealthily sneak it out of my pocket, spend fully 30 minutes fooling around with the buttons, and get a lot of pictures. Every five minutes or so, the heron strikes another majestic pose. Then it swoops over the pond, dips down, catches a giant fish, and strikes a pose.

All of the pictures are crap.

This is all I've got: a picture of the wettest Lily and me ever. We got caught walking in the woods in the rain last week and we were soaked. The one excellent thing about this picture (in addition to Lily, who doesn't look her cutest while wet but still is adorable) is that you can see the water dripping off my sweater.
Last week, a little boy offered me $500 for Lily.
Boy: "I LOVE this dog and I will give you $500 for her."
Me: "Oh, that's very nice, but I love her way too much to give her away."
Boy: "Well, she might become a bad dog. If she does, let me know."

Then the boy told me, "All dogs come to me because I can hypnotize them." He proceeded to attempt to hypnotize Lily while she sniffed his foot.

There is no picture of this, either.