Saturday, May 16, 2015

I Been Thinkin' (and that's always dangerous)

1) I was drinking this stuff called "Vitamin Water" today. I'm pretty sure it's nicely packaged and hyped Kool-Aid, but let's draw a gentle veil over that part. It's supposed to have "Dragonfruit" in it. HUH. Immediately, I was suspicious. Ain't no such thing. Ever had a "dragonfruit jelly" and peanut butter sandwich? How about dragonfruit pie? Dragonfruit leather? Yes, well. I was wrong. There is such a thing as dragonfruit ( It's unclear whether it also breathes fire, kills knights, and flies through the sky. Perhaps I should add that to the wikipedia article in case it might be true.

2) I have decided that elderly people are never deaf. They fake deafness because they are old, they get bored with conversations easily and want to change the topic quickly, and they are damnably sick and tired of listening to other people. They've spent 80 years listening, and now it's their frickin' turn to talk. So, you get:

You: "Lovely day, isn't it?"
Nice Elderly Person: "My elbow hurts."
You: "Oh, sorry to hear about that. What happened to it?"
Nice Elderly Person: "John McCain? Now that you bring him up, I want to tell you that he reminds me of my Uncle Timmy. Uncle Timmy was a forest ranger and he blazed some mighty trails across our national parks."
You: "WOW! That's really interesting, what parks did he work in?"
Nice Elderly Person: "I have a chillblain."
You: (In soft little voice): "He worked in Chillblain National Park?"
Nice Elderly Person: "What the heck are you talking about? There's no Chillblain National Park!"

See what I mean? I tell you this as a warning. Do NOT mutter around elderly people who are "deaf."

3) I been readin'. I been readin' a whole lot of stuff for work. In fact, I used a whole ream of paper printing stuff out in a day. This might be a record for me. Then, I was too tired to go out and buy more paper and started looking disconsolately about for something else I could use. Finding: There is really nothing that can substitute for paper. Even if it is "paper-ish," such as toilet paper or paper towels. Nothin' doin'. Anyway, to be edu-ma-cat-tion-al, here are some excerpts and titles of some of the articles in the U.S. Department of Agriculture's journal, "Amber Waves." Enjoy.

a. "Today's hog sector bears little resemblance to the one that existed 15 years ago."
Ed. Note: Why? Did it grow a beard?

b. "Traditional Food Retailers Bite Back with Differentiation Strategies"
Ed. Note: The person who wrote this has been waiting a lifetime to use that line.

c. "Five of the top 10 mango-producing countries are ineligible to export to the United States."
Ed. Note: Forget the mangos, jack, I want me some dragon fruit!

d. "Why Has Japan's Orange Market Declined?"
Ed. Note: I dunno. What did you ask it to do?

e. "Whey, Once a Marginal Byproduct, Comes Into Its Own"
Ed. Note: FINALLY! May each and every Marginal Byproduct be warmed by the sun of popular acclaim.