Tuesday, June 24, 2008

House Porn!

Sparkle: "So, I'm not sure where or when I'll be able to buy a place, but I'm still kinda looking."
Ellen: "I thought it was going to be an island?"
Sparkle: "Yeah, islands are cool. But, they're a bit pricey. I think my whole 'buy an island' idea popped into my head because of that stuff we were doing at work back then. Remember how it was? Buying an island really seemed like a good idea."
Ellen: "Well, it would have been a good idea to be on an island back then."
Sparkle: "Yep."
Ellen: "So, are you looking and stuff?"
Sparkle: "I don't really have the time right now. But, from time to time I do like to sort of, y'know, look around and see what money buys in different places."
Ellen: "Uh-oh."
Sparkle: "What?"
Ellen: "You get those little real estate booklets?"
Sparkle: "May-be."
Ellen: "My husband does that."
Sparkle: "Ooh, really? Does he look online, too? Because there are lots and lots of Web sites, and-"
Ellen: "I know. Believe me, I know."
Sparkle: "Ellen? Does your husband have a little 'house porn' problem like me?"
Ellen (sighs): "Yes. Yes, he does."
Sparkle: "So, he sits in front of the computer, and all of a sudden he's shouting, 'HEY! HONEY! Look what $35,000 will buy us in MISSOURI!"?
Ellen: "Pretty much."
Sparkle: "Well, Ellen, $35,000 WILL buy you quite a lot of house in Missouri!"
Ellen (a little shouty): "I don't WANT to live in Missouri! I keep telling my husband that! WhatamIgonna DO in Missouri?"
Sparkle: "I don't know. It's the "Show Me" state, isn't it?"
Ellen (grunts).
Sparkle: "Well, look. You're always popping kids out. If you don't like Missouri, how cool would it be to get the Knights of Columbus hall in Kansas I saw for sale recently? Lots of space in case you decide to pop out a couple more kids, and you should see the size of the bathrooms. Like, you know--they're facility bathrooms. REALLY big. No waiting in line! Lots of urinals!"
Ellen: "We have girls."
Sparkle: "Built in 1899, the Knights of Columbus Hall costs $25,700 and is mostly structurally sound!"
Ellen: "No."
Sparkle: "Hey! I bet your husband would LOVE this Web site I go to! Why don't I send it to him? It has the Knights of Columbus Hall, and that church in Pennsylvania that the elderly parishioners have been trying to sell for two years--that one's a heartbreaker. People stole some of the--what is it? copper?--but they say the building itself is mostly structurally sound!"
Ellen: "BLARGH!"
Wabash, Indiana, $68,000, "Architectural flourishes abound!" Wow! They abound!
Newcastle, Texas, $93,000, "The bank still contains the marble teller counter and walk-in vault with inner safe and safety deposit boxes. Also contains small living quarters downstairs." (Wow! A vault!)
Salisbury, North Carolina, $19,000 "The Tickle Williams House is located within a National Register Historic District and rehab work can qualify for the state rehabilitation tax credit." ("Tickle Williams"?!)
Brazil, Indiana, $85,000, Neoclassicial commercial building...Parapet stabilization completed 12/2005. Parapet stabilization COMPLETE! (No idea what that means, but it sounds like a good idea.)
Lexington, Missouri, $72,900, "This property is located in Lexington, Missouri, a friendly Missouri River town with a rich history that includes Russell, Majors and Waddell's outfitting of the Santa Fe Trail; the 1852 Steamboat Saluda disaster; and the 1861 Battle of the Hemp Bales" THE 1861 BATTLE OF THE HEMP BALES!Spring Hill, North Carolina, $35,000, "“Nehucky Farm,” "The modest interior includes four fireplaces, wood floors, and several original light fixtures. Although several auxiliary farm buildings are gone, those remaining—a brick silo, two pack houses, a chicken coop and smokehouse—provide a revealing look at lifestyle that is quickly changing..." I would fill the silo with candy! (Okay, maybe not.) And, last but not least:
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, $35,000, First German United Evangelical Church with 4 large murals of Jesus, painted by the second Pastor of the church, Reverend W. K. Geese, in the early part of the 20th century! ("Mo-om! The jesuses are watching me again! Make them stop!")
Zoning is R1AH, meaning single family residential, but still can be used as a church.
3,400 sq ft lot, with similarly sized adjoining lots on either side, which might be available from their respective owners. Please contact them directly.
6,000 sq ft total floor space
2,500 sq ft Sanctuary
2,500 sq ft Social Hall with stage
1,000 sq ft sub-basement with kitchen and dumb waiter
Exterior entrances to all 3 levels
2 baths with sink and commode only. No showers or tubs.
19 stained glass windows
6 stained glass ceiling lights
Twenty three oak pews, 12' long
Oak altar
Oak pulpit
Marble baptismal font
36" bronze functional church bell
Boiler was functional through this past winter, now winterized.
All utilities except electricity were shut off this summer.