Friday, August 16, 2013

I Knew Jed Clampett. Jed Clampett Was A Friend of Mine. You, Governor, Are No Jed Clampett.

So, I'm catchin' up on my readin' as part of work avoidance, and I stumble (stubbed my dang toe) on this: "'The report that I only hunted twice is incorrect,' Romney said. 'I've hunted small game numerous times, as a young man and as an adult. I'm by no means a big game hunter. I'm more Jed Clampett than Teddy Roosevelt.' He does not own a firearm, despite claiming to earlier this year."

You know, Mitt, it takes a lot to get my dander up, but you had to go and do it. Why, Mitt, why? I just wanted to relax here on the porch, sipping lemonade, my democratic cankles elegantly crossed as I watch the hummingbirds at the feeder. But, no. You have likened yourself to Jed Clampett and now, sir, you must pay the price. Who cares? Well, I care! And, you know what? It has prompted me to ask you a few, hard-hitting questions.
1) Lately, you only have your "hot campaign wife" with you. Where are your other wives? The "dishwashing wife," the "laundry wife," and the "raising children wife"? Why do they never get to go outside? Are you ashamed of them? If Jed Clampett had as many wives as you do, he'd make sure that they all got out to ride around in the truck and get some fresh air. He had a sense of fairness.
2) Will Donny Osmond get a cabinet post? If so, will he bring Marie with him to share the post? Will Marie make decisions that are viewed as "a little bit country," even as Donny makes decisions that are clearly a "little bit rock 'n roll"? How will you bring them to an accord? Let's face it: Jed Clampett could do it better than you. He could talk Jethro down.
3) Have you seen the same show about the Mormons on PBS that I just saw? How about that zany Joseph Smith guy finding God's grocery list engraved on golden plates in his backyard? WOW! And this was even before metal detectors. No, no, no. Everybody's gotta believe in something. Don't get all defensive on me. I, myself, worship a small statue of Joey Bishop. Joey: The glue that held the Rat Pack together. I think Jed Clampett worshipped Lester Flatt and Earl Scruggs.
4) You think you have the best, sleekly groomed hair of any candidate, don't you? Well, maybe so. But, do you know who has better hair than you, Mr. Mittens? Jed frickin' Clampett. Exhibit A:
5) Look, Bwana, if you're going to be a Great White Hunter, glory in it--stride around wearing deer antlers on your head with a manly corset of dead marmosets clasped about your waist. Don't slink about being a poacher and then go all coy about it and name-drop Jed Clampett. You leave Jed Clampett alone. He was a man of great dignity, fabulous hair, and significant dancing ability who owned up to his poaching. And Granny cooked the varmints in a fine, upright away, unlike your "cooking wife" who must crouch in the basement, braising varmints under cover of darkness.
6) Do you own a gun or do you not own a gun? You can't be Charles Bronson and Nicey Non-Shooty Boy at the same time. Choose one. Stick with it. Thank you. BTW: Jed Clampett had a real nice gun that he carried around unless Granny stole it.
7) You have a lot of money. Will you please buy me a pony? Jed Clampett would have.