Ask Pop Mechs! He Has the Answers to All Your Questions!

Dear Pop Mechs,
My fiance and I love to go to the beach. We find that it is very peaceful to commune with nature and listen to the soothing, gentle crash of the waves upon the shore. We like to look for shells, but we have a very hard time finding whole sand dollars and conch shells. Do you have any tips for us? Thanks so much for your help!
Love, Katie Sue from Kalamazoo

Dear Zoo Gal,
An estimated $30,000,000,000,000 in gold beneath the sea awaits anyone who will take it. Not pirate treasure, but tiny particles of the yellow metal held in suspension in the water. This represents about $15,000 apiece for every man, woman, and child in the entire world.
All set? You bet! Thanks for stoppin' by!
Pops

Dear Pop Mechs,
Who's Zoo Gal? Are you talking to me? Either way, forget the freakin' sand dollars. How do I get me some of this gold? Can I use a sieve and my little sand pail and shovel? Do I need to rent some special drilling equipment? Because I'll do that, I'll put on a hard hat and mine that baby for all she's worth.
I'll Call Myself Zoo Gal And Dress Up Like A Kangaroo If You Tell Me How to Get that Gold

Dear Zoo Gal,
It would cost more to extract this gold than it is worth at the present market value. And besides, the ocean holds even greater wealth in animal, vegetable, and mineral resources that can be used advantageously by man.
All set? You bet! Thanks for stoppin' by!
Pops

Dear Pop Mechs,
What are you, some kind of sadist? First you tell me there's gold, then you say I can't get the gold, then you draw my attention to the "greater wealth in animal, vegetable, and mineral resources"? And, you said "And besides..." in a very condescending way. Look, I fought hard to get off the farm, mister. I want nothing to do with animal, vegetable, and mineral resources. Give me something I can use here.
Kate

Dear Zoo Gal,
Seaweeds are used in many ways: (A) Young specimens of the California giant kelp are a source of acetone and potash. (B) Purple laver is used in soups and eaten raw. (C) California agarweed is used as the basis for microbiological culture media. (D) Irish moss from Massachusetts, which produces carrageenin, is used in candy, jellies, and salad dressing. (E) East Coast broadleaf kelp produces algin used in ice cream, cake icings, and dental impressions.
All set? You bet! Thanks for stoppin' by!
Pops

Dear Pops,
Swell. Thanks very much. I can now no longer bear the thought of eating my favorite foods: candy, jellies, ice cream, cake icings, and salad dressings. Thanks. Yes, indeedy. Thanks. You are an annoying old man. Just forget I asked you my shell question, okay? Let's just nip this in the bud.
K.S.

Dear Zoo Gal,
The practical aspects of oceanographic research--together with the natural curiosity of man--should insure the continuation and expansion of the investigations of this last great unexplored frontier. Maybe science will even find a way to get that $30,000,000,000,000 in gold some day! All set? You bet! Thanks for stoppin' by!
Pops

The Crab is Okay and Just Didn't Want to Be On Stage

My sister works at a theater. Lately, she has been sending me the notes that are shared with the staff after each performance. Lots of them are about costumes ripping and needing to be fixed, missed cues, etc. This time, the following stood out:
During the crab scene in Act I one of the little crabs got stage fright and exited the stage through the pit hole.

Crew and George were put on alert to find the crab.

She ended up walking up to the room, but the wranglers weren’t there since they were in the wings waiting for the crabs to exit.

The crab is okay and just didn’t want to be on stage.

My Thoughts:
1) I would have been that crab. Except, I might have become a frozen crab and Crew and George might have needed to carry me off.
2) I would give anything to see Crew and George being put on alert--am picturing lots of running and bumping into each other. Kind of Keystone Cops stuff.
3) Crab Wrangler: Lucrative job? Possible career to explore?
4) I do not blame the crab.

*Crab shown in picture is neither a crab nor the crab that exited the stage through the pit hole.

Alicia Solario's "Dinosaurs" (Alicia and I might have a thing or two in common...)

Have a Super Funtastic Time!

Or Else!

I Fought The Law and Henry Rollins Won

Last year, I went to see X and Henry Rollins. I stood in the front row for all of it, in the burly, densely-muscled shelter of a giant family of jolly, tattooed bikers--WWF men, glamazon women--who adopted me as their mascot. You know how that goes? You weasel up to the front in a polite, forgetful fashion and someone tells you, "This spot is saved, they went to the bathroom." Then you get to chatting and suddenly one of them tells you, "Hey! You don't take up much room, I can see over your head, move up here!" Okay, if you're 6'7 you've never experienced this, but you have slam-dunked a basketball, my friend, and I will never know that sweet, sweet savor. Anyway, it was a GREAT concert.

Afterwards, I was driving on a quiet country road around 1:00 a.m. I could hear the crickets, the air was soft and fresh-cut grassy, and I decided to pull over into a flower shop's parking lot, take my hot, sweaty concert boots off, and put my sandals on. As I sat back up from taking my boots and stockings off, I saw the blue light in my rearview mirror. ACK! I hadn't been drinking (or that or that), yet still I felt guilty. Giant beads of flop sweat began to pour down my forehead. That looked bad, I knew it looked bad, twitchy, and guilty and the more I thought that, the more giant flop sweat poured off of my forehead.

Sparkle: "HI!!! How are YOU???" (tries to suppress nervous tic)
Cop: "What are you doing?"
Sparkle: "Changing my SHOES!" (which, although I paid for 'em, suddenly felt like I shoplifted)
Cop: "Huh? License and registration."
Sparkle: "SURE!" (fumbles in a suspicious way, as if to conceal an abducted child hidden in the glove compartment)
Cop: "Why are you here?"
Sparkle: "I'm driving back from a CONCERT! It was really GREAT!" (flop sweat begins to soak through front of red dress)
Cop (training his flashlight in the backseat): "Well, DAMN!"
Sparkle: "WHAT?"
Cop (pointing to the poster shown in photo): YOU SAW ROLLINS TONIGHT? GODDAMN! Hey, is he still ripped? Does he still look like he's lifting? How did his arms look? "
Sparkle: "He was great! Uh, his arms looked firm and well-muscled. He looked great, he is really very fit. He SWEATS a lot. I was in the front row, and sweat just spewed over us."
Cop: "DAMN, I wish I'd been there."
Sparkle: "Oh, please. Why don't you take the t-shirt in the back seat? I bought some extra ones for friends."
Cop (he wants to): "Oh, noooooooo, miss. Nooooooooo. I really shouldn't."
Sparkle: "Oh, c'mon, really! Please do."
Cop: "Was he wearing shorts? How did his shins look?"
Sparkle: "They looked great. Yeah, he was wearing shorts and he took his shirt off."
Cop: "Oooooooh!"
Sparkle: "You bet!"
There is a brief silence. Where do we go from here?
Cop: "Okay, miss. You're okay to drive?"
Sparkle: "Oh, goodness gracious, yes. You sure you don't want the shirt?"
Cop: "I just can't take the shirt. You have a good night."

Moral: Despite his specific lyrics to the contrary, at least some peace officers appear to see Henry Rollins as a lifemate--or at least as a physical culture god. Always carry a poster featuring Henry Rollins in the back of your car.

Prescription for a Rainy Tax Preparation Day: Groucho!

1) Marx Brothers Mirror Routine; 2) Short clip of Groucho and Frank Sinatra;
3) Groucho's daughter performing "East Side of Town" while dancing the Jerk, the Monkey, then chatting with her dad. (This is great stuff.)

Puttin' On The Raptor!

Sparkle 'n The Mystery of the Mysterious Elevator

1) This elevator goes to EU--Europe! I go there every morning to get croissants.
2) Here's the thing: Where are Floors 1 & 2? Here's the other thing: I am scared to ask what they did with Floors 1 & 2.
3) YES, medical professionals, YES. PLEASE remember to REMOVE your medical gloves before touching these buttons. Blecch! Now I have the heebie-jeebies thinking that the medical professionals might forget to remove their gloves after doing who knows what on the invisible Floors 1 & 2.


FOLLOW-UP INVESTIGATION, 11/30/10
Cancer Team (doctor, nurse, junior doctor): Sparkle, do you have any questions this week?
Sparkle: Yes. I have a question. What did you do with Floors 1 and 2?
Cancer Team: Not sure why the elevator doesn't go to those floors. Not sure why they did that. You can't get there from here, etc.
Sparkle: So it's not that those are casino floors and I can't go?
Cancer Team: No. Any other questions?

It did not get the big laugh I was hoping for.

That darn johnny

I'm a little cancery right now--nothing major--and I think I'll be posting again from time to time, so drop on by if you get a chance. Video footage of godzilla riding the handlebars of my bicycle will be up in the next post (I'm not sure if that qualifies as a coming attraction or a warning).

I'm getting treated with radiation. Here is a current photo of me. As you will note, there have been minimal side effects and my new super power is being able to spew fire while looking like a scary baby (I was hoping for x-ray vision or flight abilities, but whatever):

At the moment, I'm having some serious problems with the darn johnny I wear every morning. Either I'm naked at the wrong time. Or, I'm fully clothed at the wrong time. Or, I'm stripping at the wrong time. I'm not sure why I keep getting it wrong. All I know is this johnny stuff is tricky. Plus: I'm the only one in the waiting room who's ever wearing one. Maybe everyone else has cancery clothes that are being zapped? If so, what super powers will their clothes get?

1) I'm on time for my treatment, I park in my special close parking spot (yeah you should be jealous--I get a special close parking spot), I smoothly greet staff, I scan my id card, I swiftly & efficiently change into my johnny & robe, zip zoom I'm in the room, zip zoom I'm up on the table. The technicians hover. I pull down my johnny. I am still wearing my shiny red bra. I forgot to take it off. (Note: It's not supposed to be on.) The technicians are embarrassed! Why? They have a whole computer full of photos of me without it. But, they are very embarrassed. "Should I turn away while you take it off?" one technician asks. "Heck, no!" I cry, whipping it off & tossing it to one side. (Suddenly, however, I feel like I should charge them money...possibly have music?)

2) I leave my bra off--at home. If I'm not wearing it, I cannot forget that I'm wearing it. Right? Theoretically, it's a fine strategy. I'm seein' a doctor & nurse after my treatment. There I am sitting in my street clothes casually chatting about side effects when suddenly they ask..."Can we take a look?" One of them mutters "It's easier if you keep the johnny on..." "Well, can I just flip my shirt up?" I ask, worrying that I'll need to go back, get the johnny, put it on, tie it up, and come back and untie and pull down the johnny. "SURE!" they cry, beaming. Again...such is their supportive enthusiasm that I feel like I should charge them. (More for the side they're the most interested in and I'll give them a freebie for the other one? That seems fair.)

3) I've got it all under control. Troublemaking red bra is at home. Wore the johnny at all the right times. Untied the johnny in all the right spots. Perfect. I got it. I finally got it. I stride into the changing room. Whip off the johnny & robe. Toss them into the Soiled Laundry with a very cool flourish. A FLOURISH! Realize I left my clothes in a locker outside. Sigh. Pick up another darn johnny. Go back for clothes.

Am thinking I should just come dressed in a johnny with a smart jacket over it & coordinating shoes/gloves/hat/purse.

Here are some way cool pictures that I stole from other bloggers--one from Molly Lewis and two from a guy who is stuck with a comb and the fourth from I'm not sure?