The hot glue gun is the greatest tool known to humanity. Having overcome my lifelong fear of hotgluing my arms to the sides of my body, I am now hotgluing the world around me. Nothing is safe. Be warned.
TRAVELDIALOGUES
The Magazine
Me (on plane, reading magazine)
Woman Next to Me: "How are you enjoying your MAGAZINE?"
Me (looking up smiling): "Oh, it's just fine."
Woman Next to Me: "I have to tell you that I have never read a magazine in my whole life. Never."
Me (thinking "Why do you have to tell me this" and smiling in confusion): "Ah! Oh ho."
Woman Next to Me: "Never. I have never read a magazine. I never would."
Me (very confused--suddenly feel like we're talking about smoking): "Well, good for you! For heaven's sake, don't take it up now."
Woman Next to Me: "No. I won't. I never would. I had brothers growing up so I NEVER read a magazine. Not a one."
Me (unsure of connection, think she means she was a tomboy): "Wow! Well, how many brothers do you have?"
Woman (defiantly): "TWO!"
Me: "Well, grand."
Woman: "I would NEVER read a magazine."
Me (feeling rebellious): "What about NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC?"
Woman: "NEVER."
Me: "Okay!" (Go back to reading magazine.)
The Elevator
Me (traveling up in elevator)
Boop--elevator stops on Floor 16, doors open, two middle-aged guys are standing there looking shocked
Guy 1: "Oops! Are you going up?"
Me: "Yep."
Guy 2: "Sorry! We're going down. We musta pushed the wrong button here."
Me: "No problem!"
Guy 1: "It's like we're controlling the elevators! Like Darth Vader! LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER!"
Me: "HA! It's okay. I'm off."
Boop--doors close. Boop--doors open.
Guy 1: "Holy crap. It doesn't want to go up. What'd we do?"
Guy 2: "It's Princess Leia!"
Me: "HA! It's okay. I'm off."
Boop--doors close. Boop--doors open.
Both men are slinking over to the opposite bank of elevators, where one "down" elevator has opened.
Guy 1: "SORRY! We didn't touch anything!"
Me: "Surrrrre you didn't."
Guy 2: "No, really!"
Me: "Have a good one!"
Boop--doors close. Boop--doors open, revealing empty corridor. Sparkle steps out of elevator, hits up button outside elevator, steps back in, elevator proceeds up.
MEET THE NEW MASCOT OF THE GIRL'S NAVY: THE MYSTICAL BAT WOMAN! (I will be getting a tattoo of this, this...prehistoric alien wearing a dashiki)
