Conversation #1:Me: "Th-th-there's an ORIOLE on the hummingbird feeder!"
Friend: "Yeah, they've been doing that at my house, too."
Me: "No! You don't understand. There's more. It's like a Disney movie. There's a black and white woodpecker climbing up and down the tree next to the oriole. And then there are two bright green hummingbirds dive-bombing the oriole."
Friend: "Why don't you take a picture?"
Me: "It'll never work."
Friend: "Well, why don't you--"
Me: Click.
Moral: When you think a picture will never work it will, in fact, never work.
Conversation #2:Me: "Big news from the doctor."
Friend: "What?"
Me: "REALLY big news. You'll never guess!"
Friend: "WHAT?"
Me: "I am TWO INCHES TALLER than you always say I am. TWO INCHES!"
Friend: "Huh? I never say that. You always just say you're my height."
Me: "I say that when I'm joking, but you have always refused to give me those inches. I am that tall! I have those inches!"
Friend: "Huh. Okay."
Me: "You don't REMEMBER this?!"
Friend: "So, what else did the doctor say?"
Me: "AUUUUUUUUUGGGGGH! I have those inches!"
Friend: "Sure you do."
Moral: Victory is hollow when the opposition is wily.
Alternative Moral: In the words of a nurse who once measured my height, "Never you mind how tall you are. You just gonna SHRINK anyway."
Conversation #3:
Friend: "G'night, sport."
Me: "G'night, cochise."
Friend: "G'night, boss."
Me: "G'night, uh, gipper."
Friend: "G'night, chief."
Me: "DAMN! I'm stuck."
Friend: Click.
Ring ring.
Friend: "Hello?"
Me: "G'night, slim."
Friend: "Huh?"
Me: "Remember we were doing that a second ago and I ran dry? Well, I thought about it, and I'm coming back at you with 'Slim.'"
Friend: "Eh."
Me: "No good?"
Friend: "Eh."
Me: "Crap."
Pause.
Friend: "Gotta go."
Me: "G'night, CAP'N!"
Friend: "G'night, commodore."
Me: "No! Stop!"
Friend: Click.
Moral: I'm not even sure what that contest is, but I always lose it.
Bonus Conversation (I had lunch with my sister today, which made it a very, very good day indeed)
Sister: "I read the poison ivy one. Who's this Sparkle Plenty supposed to be?"
Me: "It's just a silly name, it's from the funnies*, remember?"
Sister: "But, why is it you? And, who are these Redbeard people? Who are all of these witty pirates?"
Me: "It's all silliness."
Sister: "I'm all shy of this Sparkle Plenty."
Me: "WHAT?"
Sister: "I'm all shy of this Sparkle Plenty. Who is she? Hang on. THERE I AM!"
Me: "Yeah. People really liked the Easter picture."
Sister: "AUGH!"
*This is what we called the comics section of the paper when we were growing up.
