1) ARE YOU SITTING DOWN?I have been doing a bit of discreet whining this week about taxes. What's that? It hasn't been that discreet? Rats. Sorry about that. Anyway, this week, I engaged in the following preliminary dialogue with my accountant:
Accountant: "Where are you?"
Me: "At home."
Accountant: "Are you alone?"
(This is starting to seem kind of weird. I suspect that the next question will be, "What are you wearing?" but this seems very out of character for my accountant.)
Me: "Well, yes."
Accountant: "Are you sitting down?"
Me: "Oh, I see. You're about to tell me something very, very bad, aren't you?"
Accountant: "Uh-huh."
Me (laughing bleakly): "Yeah. I was starting to guess that. I am lying down, with the dog stretched out across my feet, and this is probably as relaxed as I am going to get today."
Accountant: "At least you're laughing."
Me (not laughing): "I really shouldn't be laughing? At all? How much should I not be laughing?"
Let me draw a gentle veil over the rest of the conversation. But, here's my question: Has anyone ever actually SAID "Are you sitting down?" to you. This is the first time anyone has ever said it to me, and I've gotten lots of bad news in my time. I guess there are worse circumstances to hear it under. Top three: (1) The 60-year-old woman who finds out that she is pregnant. (2) The bad diseases. (3) Someone who can't believe you're really THAT short.
2) CELEBRITY QUOTE OF THE WEEK
"We make the YouTube videos for Jesus!" Miley Cyrus
But what if Jesus does not LIKE your music, Miley? What if Jesus prefers, say, Amy Winehouse or Billie Holliday, and leaves a comment like "LOL. Miley SUX. Jeez" What then? Will you cease making the YouTube videos for Jesus?
3) HEADLINE IN NEED OF REWRITE
"Papal Positions Playing Little Role in U.S. Politics"
I think I'd like "Politics: Papal Positions Play Petty Part" better, but then I'm fussy that way. I bet the reporter had that originally and then got shouted down.
4) WHY WAS I NOT INFORMED?
Dear Mr. Williams, Warren G. Harding gambled away the White House china in a card game? Why didn't you tell me about this in Social Studies class? And, during World War II, British spies hired an astrologer to figure out Hitler's horoscope? Why didn't you tell us about this?
Dear Government, Throughout my childhood, you insisted that Reading is Fundamental (I was too busy reading to pay attention to you). Why are you now saying that it is NOT fundamental? Do you need to get the White House china out of the pawn shop? Will you now have a glossy ad campaign with celebrities (Miley Cyrus?) telling us that Reading is Optional?
5) HAPPY SPRING!
