A Mysterious Note

Last night, I was making some evening snack toast, and I heard a weird scratching/grunting kind of noise at the front door. "It's the dog," I told myself. Then I realized, in the best horror movie type of way, There is no dog. I crept to the door and peeked out, but the yard was empty and the only thing I could see was a little envelope on the front doorstep addressed to "Blunt-Toothed." The note inside was pretty surprising, so I'm passing it along to see what you think.

Dear Blunt-Toothed,
My name is Blake. I am a chupacabra. There are a lot of wrong things being said about me, and it upsets me. Tonight, I could not eat my tuna noodle casserole--and it was the kind with the crunchy top! Crunchy top usually makes me feel better. Not tonight. I need to go organize my stamp collection album, so I don't have much time. But, I just want to set the record straight. You people seem to like lists:

1) I like tuna, not goats. Is this so hard to understand? Do you like goats better than you like tuna? Whatever. I do not.
2) Puerto Rican comedian and entrepreneur Silverio Pérez came up with the name you people call me--chupacabra. It is not my name. Would you jump off a bridge if he told you to do so?
3) "The wiki" says that I have been known "to hiss and screech when alarmed, as well as leave a sulfuric stench behind." Okay. That is very hurtful. Haven't you ever made a weird noise when you were startled? And, my aftershave has "hints of forest and surf," not sulfur.
4) Why do you people believe in this mythical oracle of truth called "the wiki" anyway? Who proves that any of that stuff is true? Would you jump off a bridge if "the wiki" told you to do so?
5) Some people say that when they see me they become nauseated. That is hurtful.
6) Some people say that I have spines. I have a back-mohawk. Don't you people know the difference? Is punk really so dead in your culture that you can't recognize a back-mohawk?
7) I faint at the sight of blood. I'm not proud of that, but I do.
8) This woman named Phylis Canion found three of us in Texas and preserved the head of one of us in her freezer before turning it over for DNA analysis. What kind of a sick chick keeps a chupa head in her freezer? You people frighten me.
9) Nothing for 9. Ha. Uh. Ha ha. That felt great.
10) What was up with that "Lost" series? I rented it from Netflix, but I found it very confusing.

Sincerely, Blake

(Chupacabra illustration By LeCire (Image:Chupacabras.JPG) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons. Viewed on the excellent Cryptozoology News website.)