I Translate Pamphlet Covers For You

You and Your Attitude Have Scary Roundy Heads

 If You Are Making Out and Question Marks Appear in the Air, Be Very Worried

 Now That You Are A Young Lady, You Will Spend Hours Staring Into Lockers... If You Try to Be Abstinent, A Giant Bed Will Follow You Wherever You Go Get a Load of This! Natural Gas is Cuddly and Fun! Whee! Play with It! Improve Your Interpersonal Skills by Forcing Others to Shake Hands! How to Recycle: Dump Everything Into One Can And Throw It Anywhere!

What Happens When You Smoke Marijuana: You stand around and make fun of your friend who is cold and scared because he has not smoked marijuana! How to Develop Leadership Skills: Get People to Follow You Up a Staircase to Nowhere

 If Your Coworker is Crouched Down with a Globe On His Shoulders, Don't Ponder It--Run.

Improve Your Listening Skills by Growing Ears!  If A Giant Stopwatch Falls on Your Friend, Fondle Him!  In An Emergency, Wave Goodbye to All You Hold Dear

If You Cannot Get Cocaine, Your Brain Will Break In Two

  You Might Need to Remind Your Elderly Relative Where He Hid the Booze

  To Conserve Your Hearing on the Job, Tune Out Your Coworkers You Do Not Want to Know About "Universal Precautions." Rubber Glove? 'nuff Said. Poop is Shaped Like Flowers. Do Not Mistake It For Flowers.  Conserve Water? Why? It is Plentiful and Jolly and Loves Being Squandered! If You Allow Yourself to Be Crucified at Work, That's a Winning Attitude, Mister!

SkiJs

Dear PajamaGram People,

I admit it. I should not have taken that bold, scoffing, snide tone in my previous post. It was uncalled for. Your slogan is fine. It is just fine as is. Agreed? You like me now? We're okay now? Yaay!

So, here's the deal. Please stop sending me information about your new products. I already unsubscribed from your mailing list, so this is getting to be a little eerie--it's almost like you're coming up with products JUST to creep me out. I mean, are "SkiJs" really in your catalog or did you just take pictures of scary people wearing said aforementioned "SkiJs," and send them to me? Because I am severely discomfited.

1) It's too white. It's just too damn white. In every way.
2) If you show me a man dressed like that, please just show me his wife holding a gun on him (it can have a ski design, if you like) or brandishing a taser. The little dog could hold the taser if that would make for a cuter picture.
3) White carpet? DOG? No footprints on rug? That rug does not make me think about slipping into my "SkiJs" and relaxing. It makes me think, "Clean, clean, clean. Scrub, scrub, scrub."
4) Let me tell you what the woman just said, moments ago: "DARLING! Stop touching my hair! We're in our SkiJs! They're just meant for LOUNGING, nothing more. Here. Play with the chessmen." (Note the guy's gritted teeth and woman's contented smile. The dog looks like he's going to say "Are you sure you want to move that piece?")
5) Which raises a good point. Chess set? DOG? No chess pieces missing and in dog's stomach, ready to be removed for $2,000 by a smiling staff of vets who are all wearing SkiJs? HA.

Okay, I'm done for now. And, I hope I haven't been overly harsh. It's just that you're worrying me.

All best wishes to you and yours,
Sparkle

P.S. What's next? Really! I'm kinda interested. Scared, but interested!

If My Diary Wrote Back to Me

Dear Diary,
I think I might be a magician! Today, I made my contact lens disappear. I was slowwwwly bringing it up to my eye and then poof! It was gone. I wonder if I can take this to Vegas and pull in the big bucks. Naturally, I had to wear my glasses when I took my walk this morning. During the walk, I noticed that the swamp is beginning to turn a full spectrum of rich, earthy hues--burnt umber, raw sienna, terracotta...Nature walked with me today. Sparkle

Dear Sparkle: Check your sweater sleeve, fool. Don't waste my time like this. Of course you wore your glasses. If you hadn't you would have been Mr. Magooin' it around the landscape and ended up as a hood ornament. And, while we're at it, spare me your thoughts about Nature. Burnt umber? Raw sienna? Terracotta? Stop plagiarizing the Crayola box, and "Nature walking with you" is just creepy. Also: Please don't use the words "naturally" and "Nature" so close together. It's sloppy.

P.S. You don't need to sign your diary entries. I know it's you. And, that little heart you make when you do the "e" is just disgraceful.
**********************************
Dear Diary,
I thought I would take a moment to capture my thoughts and feelings, and--

Dear Sparkle: Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Please don't. The last time you "took a moment to capture your thoughts and feelings" you soiled 18 of my pages with ramblings about Nature, fate, and...peanut M&Ms, for crying out loud. Please. Do me a favor. Do us both a favor. Don't "take a moment." And, leave Nature alone. What did it ever do to you?
**********************************
Dear Diary,
Life is funny...

Dear Sparkle: Let me break in here. Yes. Life is very funny. It is "Ha ha" funny, and it is "Ah HA" funny. Don't you think you covered this topic pretty thoroughly in your high school diaries? Look: I don't want to end up like your high school diaries--all broken down and bummed-out--I'd like to stay fresh and crisp-looking. Can you please not write in me anymore? Really. Go outside and get some exercise. Okay. I hate to do this. But, why don't you go bug Nature some more? If I'm lucky, when you get back maybe you'll forget where you put me.

*********************************
Dear Diary,
The World Wide Web is a marvelous invention...

[Diary: FML. She's "reflecting" and making sweeping generalizations again. This one will be bad.]

...it provides such wonderful opportunities to stretch creative muscles...

[Diary: Blecch! Blecch! I hate it when you say stuff like "stretch creative muscles"--it's like fingernails on the blackboard! It's icky! What's next? Are you going to start with the "I'm learning more and growing every day stuff" again?]

...and I'm learning more and growing every day. I think I'll start a blog with pictures of small, plastic dinosaurs and see where that takes me...

[Diary: Freeeeee!! I'm freeee!! Ahhhh...sweet, sweet, restful blank pages.]