Saturday, March 21, 2015

Lily and Sparkle's Awesome Adventure

Sparkle walks up to reception desk.
Sparkle: "Hi! How are you? I called about my dog Lily."
Sandy the Clerk: "Hi! Okay. And, this is the first time we've seen her?"
Sparkle: "Yep."
Sandy the Clerk: "And, you have her papers for us?"
Sparkle: "Yep."

I inherited a small packet of Lily-health-related documents. They are in Spanish. I have been dreading this moment.

Sparkle hands Lily's papers to the clerk.

Sandy the Clerk: "That's great. Oh. Oh, no."
Sparkle: "They're in Spanish."
Sandy the Clerk: "Oh, boy. Linda! Check this out!"
Linda the Clerk: "Oh. Oh, my."
Sandy the Clerk: "But, look! Isn't this a great logo?"
Linda the Clerk: "What the hell is that?"
Sandy the Clerk: "It is a cat, a dog, and a man. All smushed together."
Linda the Clerk: "Where the hell do you see that?"
Sandy the Clerk: "Right here!"
Sparkle: "Where?"
Sandy the Clerk: "Right here!"

Linda the Clerk: "Hey...you're gonna just have to hand those to the vet when you see him, okay?"
Sparkle: "Sure!"
Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Boozed-up looking dog weaves through waiting room with a satellite dish on head. Lily observes dog with dismay. Looks up at me queryingly.
Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Annoying lady at counter argues with clerks for hours about price of special cat food. Clerks bristle. Lady bridles. Hackles are raised all around. Lily and I sit and watch, wondering if fur will fly.
Wait, wait, wait. I notice that they make a "rabbit and potato" dog food. What if someone brings their pet rabbit in to be treated? It would make me very uncomfortable to see a bag of "Sparkle and Potato" food at the doctor's when I was waiting to be seen. Really. Very uncomfortable.
"Lily?"
That's us. We proceed into the examination room where Lily is subjected to several of the most undignified procedures that you can think of. She is a very good girl.
The Vet: "Okay, I understand that you do not have Lily's prior medical records with you. It is very important for you to bring Lily's papers in with you the next time you come, and..."
Sparkle (gleam in eye): "Oh, no no no. I have her PAPERS for you."
Vet (confused): "Really? They didn't tell me that. Great. Let's take a look."
Sparkle: "Great logo, huh?"
Vet: "Ooooooooooooooooooh, okay. Okay. Okay. Uh. Criollo? Um. Moquillo?"
Vet Assistant: "Hector. This is a job for Hector."
Vet: "Oh, yeah. Hector speaks Spanish!"
Sparkle: "Awesome!"

Wait, wait, wait for Hector. Suddenly, the whole staff panics. "TEENSY! TEENSY IS COMING! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAN! Get UP! Teensy is coming!" The floor shakes. Teensy is 150 pounds and lets out a basso profundo bark. From her perch high atop the examination shelf, Lily unleashes a series of small querying noises in response: "Roo? Roo roo roo? Brrrrrrooop?" Teensy's entourage hustles him into the rear office where apparently they have a crane standing by to heft him about.

Hector enters, accompanied by the faint strains of the "Zorro" theme--see video sidebar for clarification, if needed.

Hector: "'sup?"
Vet: "Hector, do you know what this means? Has this dog been vaccinated for rabies, for example? I can't make heads or tails of this."
Sparkle: "Ha!"
Vet purses lips, making it clear that he is not making a joke.
Sparkle: "Hmmmmm..." (makes serious noises to show that she knows this is serious)
Hector: "Sure she's been vaccinated for rabies!"
Vet: "Where does it say that? It doesn't say that anywhere!"
Hector: "Right here. Where it says Rabias Certificado de Vacunacion."
Vet: "Oh. 'Rabias.' I guess that makes sense, come to think of it."
Hector: "Yeah."
Vet: "Great. She's all set 'til October."
Hector: "She from Colombia by any chance?"
The End.