The PM Precut House Postscript

Dear Son or Daughter of the Man Who Designed the "PM Precut House,"

Thank you so much for leaving your comment about your dad! My post from 2008 was just meant to be funny. But, I really did read the article about the house your dad designed in "Popular Mechanics," and I'll have to find my copy of that issue (it's down in the basement in a mouse-proof container) so I can take another look.

It's great to know that the original prototype house is still standing strong in the Poconos. I like the design and only wish I was clever enough to try to build one myself. In an era when there's a lot of interest in small house designs and modular kits (have you seen the ones at Tiny Tumbleweeds and Tiny House Listings?), I bet your dad's design would be very popular. It's not a "tiny" house, but it's a nice modest size with some great features. I have to believe that many people ordered your dad's kit and built houses. Those houses must be out there, all over the place! Hope you are able to find some.

I doubt you'll find your way back here. But, just in case. Any chance you still have any of your dad's kits lying around? Heck, maybe it's time for me to test my carpentry skills?

Here's to your dad!

All the best,
Sparkle Plenty

****************************************************************

Dear Popular Mechanics,

I am pleased to place an order for your "PM Precut House."To cover the cost of the house, please find enclosed a personal check in the amount of $4,500. You will note that I have added the requisite funds to cover optional items.

At this time, I would like to express a few concerns and give you the opportunity to respond:

1) As an enthusiastic fan of indoor plumbing and warmth, I am thrilled that you have offered me the chance to purchase a separate "plumbing kit" and "winterizing materials." Just to double-check: Do said aforementioned "kit" and "materials" consist of a bucket and some wet-dog-smelling wool blankets?

2)I am hoping that, once constructed, the house will look exactly like the one depicted on the cover. There will be a cute little man in a windbreaker waving out front at all times, correct? And, the blonde on the porch with cool drinks is included in the kit? It seems silly to ask, but these are very attractive features that have drawn me to the house and, due to a traumatic incident ordering seamonkeys, I can take nothing for granted.

3) When you say the instructions are "easy," what do you really mean? Here, let me give you some choices: a) Easy! No swearing, no sweating, and you will not wish you were better at math because you will have hired a carpenter to interpret the directions and build the house for you! b) Easy! Easy Like Sunday Morning--a complex, mind-bending Sunday morning that leaves you contemplating the meaning of life and longing for strong drink. c) Easy! Easy like Easy Rider, in which everyone DIES. d) If you need to ask, you should not buy this kit.

Thanking you in advance for your prompt attention to my order,
Sparkle Plenty

Please, No Autographs...Damn Pooparazzi!

Dinosaur dung sells at NYC auction for nearly $1,000

United Press International
Article Date: Thursday, May 1, 2008
NEW YORK (AP) — A pile of dinosaur dung 130 million years old sold at a New York auction Wednesday for nearly $1,000.

The prehistoric deposit fetched $960, said a spokeswoman for Bonhams New York. Its pre-auction estimate was $450.

The fossilized dung is from the Jurassic era, the auction house said. It looks like a rock on the outside and a colorful mineral inside.

The buyer was Steve Tsengas of Fairport Harbor, Ohio. The 71-year-old owns OurPets, a company that sells products to treat dog and cat waste.

Tsengas bought the dung in hopes of motivating his employees and using it as a marketing tool by displaying it at the company's booth at trade shows, he said.

"Poop," he said, "is a big business in the pet industry."

Elderly People Say the Darndest Things!

My Aunt (by marriage): "So, it gets me so mad when I think about what she did."
Me: "Yep, it's kind of amazing. Do you think she's actually very smart?"
My Aunt: "Hmm, welllll."
Me: "Hmm..."
My Aunt: "Well, I think she's crafty.
Me: "Crafty?"
My Aunt: "Yes, in fact the more I think about it, the more I think she might be part indian. Because she's crafty."
Me to Myself: Uh-oh.
Me: "Crafty?"
My Aunt: "Yep. Crafty."
Me: "So, you remember that I've got some indian blood*, right? I must say that I show no signs of being particularly crafty. And I'm kinda old to learn new tricks."
My Aunt: "Yes! I know you've got indian blood. So do I!"
Me: "Well, that's great. I didn't know that. So, you're crafty?"
My Aunt: "Yes, I'm very crafty!"
Me: "Huh. I don't think that all people with indian blood are crafty."
My Aunt: "Well, maybe not. I just know that I am."

*This sounds like I'm a vampire and keep little Skippy peanut butter jars of blood around. I do not.

Dinosaur Dribs 'n Drabs

Real Photo from 1964-1965 World's Fair in New York City (just seems like something from "Zany Afternoons" by Bruce McCall --if you click on this link you'll get to an interesting talk by him)!

"The lifelike (and life-size) dinosaurs attracted more crowds of children. New Yorkers all remembered the day the dinosaurs came down the river. The huge models had been made in upstate New York. They were so large that the only way to get them to the fair was to float them on barges down the Hudson River. Thousands of people were caught in the traffic jam on the highway beside the river the day the monsters were moved downstream..." Another Actual Photo, This Time of...sigh...dinosaur being dismantled at 1964 New York World's Fair...
"But He Probably Did!" an arresting coloring book picture in tribute to Coloring Book King Steven A. at Plastic Pumpkins! (Actually, I think an artisty someone did this--not sure who, 'though. And, it might have been around for awhile. sigh. I'm always the last one to find stuff.)

Nat's Dream: The Floating HoJo's

"Yeah. Nat here. I disapprove of everything. I've disapproved of everything since I hatched out of an egg that your brain is not equipped to imagine. (For the record: I disapprove of your brain's inability to imagine what my egg looked like.) Except for one thing. I have always approved of the concept of a Floating HoJo's. And now, my dream has become a reality. Pfft. Can you believe building such a big ship and not having any restaurants?"
"Nat, man, you're wrong. Again. Oasis of the Seas has, like a bajillion restaurants and I don't know what all--snack cabanas, munchy kiosks, formal dining experiences in each of the 'hoods, and possibly even trained "chip chimps" who run by and stuff Fritos in your mouth when you holler "Chip me, chimp!"
"Yeah, okay, so. I refuse to believe that because I refuse to believe that."
"You give me no choice, man, and I quote:
THE BOARDWALK
•Seafood Shack: A casual indoor/outdoor family restaurant on the Boardwalk; seafood, over-sized desserts and a vast selection of ‘mocktails’
•Boardwalk Bar: The main bar on the Boardwalk; offering fruit, salads and sandwiches
•Boardwalk Donut Shop: A classic haunt for casual snacks and delicious treats
•Ice Cream Parlor: A variety of ice cream flavors and toppings take center stage against a backdrop of 1950s kitsch
•Johnny Rockets: ‘50’s-style Diner with server-entertainers
CENTRAL PARK
•150 Central Park: A trendy, upscale and intimate restaurant with a tasting menu with customized wine pairings
•Giovanni's Table: An Italian trattoria with both indoor and alfresco seating featuring Italian classics served family-style
•Park Café: An indoor/outdoor gourmet market featuring salads, sandwiches, soups, pastries and to-die-for fudge
•Vintages: A wine bar with pre-dinner tapas and cheeses along with a robust selection of fine wines
•Chops Grille: Royal Caribbean’s signature steakhouse with views of Central Park, and premium cuts or quality meats
POOL AND SPORTS ZONE
•Solarium Bistro: A health-conscious dining option for lunch and healthful fare and dancing under the stars in the evening
•The Wipe Out Café: A casual self-service buffet with pizza, hamburgers, sandwiches and fresh salads
•Izumi Asian Cuisine: Featuring mouthwatering flavors and a sushi bar with hot-rock cooking
ROYAL PROMENADE
•Mondo Café: Open around the clock this café offers coffee, sandwiches and pastries like those found in Italy, Spain and Cuba
•Sorrento's Pizzeria: Featuring New York style pizza, with both made-to-order pies and by the slice
•Café Promenade: Offering Seattle’s Best coffee, fruit shakes, pastries and sandwiches all day
•The Cupcake Cupboard: Featuring fresh-baked gourmet cupcakes as well as parties and design classes
VITALITY AT SEA SPA AND FITNESS CENTER
•The Vitality Café: Offering healthy snacks, sandwiches, wraps, fruit and smoothies.
THE CLASSICS, Royal Caribbean hasn’t forgotten the classics of its fleet:
•Opus Dining Room: The ship’s main restaurant features a three-tier venue with a 1920s Art Deco style; flexible My Time Dining and traditional assigned seatings
•Windjammer Marketplace: A casual buffet fare for breakfast, lunch and dinner
•In-Stateroom Service: Order from the complimentary breakfast, lunch and dinner menus, or choose an original Johnny Rockets hamburger or Ghirardelli chocolate cookies from the new Dine In Delights menu
"I disapprove. I also note that you did not mention a Howard Johnson's, so I feel secure in my business plan to follow this ship around with my Floating HoJo's and its now-fully-functional fryolator."
"Howard Johnson's doesn't even EXIST anymore, Nat! THAT'S how much demand there is for it!"
"It's just not a vacation without HoJo's. Now, if you'll excuse me I must go make my 28 flavors of ice cream. I'm expecting customers any moment."

The Vera Veto

Almost before I learned to walk, I learned about the Vera Veto. My grandmother's name was Vera, and she helped raise my sister and me. She was a very unique woman, very opinionated, very smart, very funny, very refined (this is hard to explain, except she had very good e-nun-ci-a-tion--she grew up in an age when children had elocution lessons and she used to em-pha-size each and ev-er-y syll-a-ble), very--uh--colorful, and had been through a lot in her life--children dying, sons going off to war, teaching school, working in factories, you name it. I know that's a lot of verys--but she was very. Ver-y Ver-a.

When we were older the Vera Veto was subtle. Examples: My sister brought a boyfriend home. After he left, my grandmother shook her head and said, "He's a lit-tle smooth." Few words, but a giant Vera Veto. If she felt like we were being overly influenced by certain books, she'd make her feelings known in a quiet way. I picked up a paperback book once and found that she had written "Who says?" "Why so?" in certain spots in the book. On the back of the book, there were very enthusiastic quotes by various people. Next to each person's name, she had written, "Who he? Why should we believe him?" To this day, my sister and I like to say "Who he?"

When we were little, the Vera Veto was very loud and clear. Here are some of her vetoes.

The Vera Veto (in a dark voice): "No. There will be e-nough of that la-ter on."
The Vera Veto: "Grue-some."The Vera Veto: "Don't ev-er touch the booze. You have a mon-key on your backs. From your fath-er." Can I say how confusing this was when we were 4 and 7 years old?
Vera Veto: "Why, that's just su-gar and wa-ter." (With Hawaiian Punch, she really jumped on the syllables--possibly due to my in-cess-ant beg-ging.)

Then again, she was tricky to predict. She liked George Carlin ("Now, him. He's cle-ver"). And, she bought my sister her first record album (Sgt. Peppers from the bargain bin because the Beatles were long past their heyday--after that moment, my sister was a rabid Beatles fan when few of her peers even knew who they were).
Very Vera. To this day, I feel like I'm in huge trouble if someone uses my full first name and strongly pronounces all of the syllables...

Survive Anything!

Gustavo: "Where's the stuff about extinction? NO! I don't want to read about hurricanes again. E-x-t-i-n-c-t-i-o-n. What do we need to do to survive it? C'mon. Check the table of contents!"

If Dinosaurs Came Back...

If dinosaurs came back, they would have a lot of catching up to do. They might start by reading useful magazines, such as "Modern Mechanix."
Rex: "So, listen up. We get one of these newfangled 'airship' things, we cruise some chicks, and we go to the drive-in movie theatre. Plus, it looks like we can all get lucrative jobs as radio engineers."

Summary for Dinosaurs if They Come Back
1) Abraham Lincoln=A good guy.

2) The Invention of Electricity=Wires. Zip-zap.
3) World War II=We won.

4) Interstate highway system=Tar.
5) Red Sox finally won the World Series=A game.
6) Go buy anything with a little "i" in front of it.

If Dinosaurs Were Around Today
1) All the guys who play them in the movies would need to retire.
2) Toho Studios would glumly begin to make driver training films.
3) People would have jobs scooping dinosaur poop with steamshovels. They would have fancy titles like “Prehistoric Waste Engineer."
4) The term “fossil fuels” would make dinosaurs teary and contemplative.
5) I would be dinosaur toe jam.

6) Dinosaur PMS? I'd move to the moon, if I were you.

What The Dinosaurs Missed
1) Car hops.
2) Black and white TVs with small children serving as the "remote controls."
3) Cancerous red dye in cherries.
4) Smoking in movie theaters, doctor’s offices, nursery schools, churches, anywhere.
5) LPs and EPs and Eight-Tracks, oh my.
6) Ernest Borgnine and Shelley Winters in "The Poseidon Adventure."

Hiding Tips from the Movies and Books

Rex: "Relax. This is an impenetrable disguise."

1) When choosing a disguise, don't hesitate to improvise with whatever is handy--seaweed, hats with veils, small pets, etc. Suits of armor and haystacks are especially good, so it's wise to invest in one or two of each and have them with you at all times.
2) Follow the rules for impenetrable disguises. Remember: A fake beard can be a false friend; do not use one that will come off as you eat your soup. Also: If you are a short, fat man dressed as a jungle princess, do not use flowers in your disguise that will make you sneeze.
3) Do not stand behind a long, lush velvet drape with your shoes sticking out unless you have a secret desire to be shish-kebabed with a sword.
4) Today's villains are regrettably savvy. Do not hide in the closet, under the bed, in the shower, or behind a telephone pole.
5) Do not hide in a refrigerator. Even if there is room to do so and there are good leftovers to eat, just do not do so.
6) Rather than hiding, sometimes it is a good idea to freak out the villains by running towards them yelling, "I love you! I love you! I love you!" Of course, only do this if you are a heavily-armed, bitter cop with nothing left to lose.
7) If you decide to hide in a clothes hamper or tall, wicker market basket make sure that there are many other such baskets around so that you will blend in. Note: A clothes hamper or tall, wicker market basket standing all on its own in a town square is a known villain magnet.
8) It can be fun to dive into a round, metal garbage can. Rest assured, if you dive into one, it starts rolling down a hill in San Francisco, and the villains must give chase, you will turn a drama into a comedy! Of course, if you roll into the path of a cable car, you will turn the comedy back into a drama in seconds.
9) Do not hide on the second floor of a barn. You know that the villain will walk in and say, "I know you're up there, now come on down before I have to come and get you." Strangely, this sounds like something your mother would say. But, the villain is not there to call you in for supper. No, he is not. Avoid the barn altogether.
10) And, please. Avoid the well. I know it looks all safe and stuff. Just avoid it. Thank you.

Algernon is Sent to Greet the Unknown Men of Sophisticated Peril

Archie: "Will the little guy be okay? Somehow, it doesn't seem right to send him."

Rex: "Why not? He speaks 12 languages. Knows Jujitsu. Plus, it will take them a while to gnaw through that shell, and we'll have plenty of time to run."

Algernon: "HEY! I HEARD that!"

(Others volunteer Algernon to do unpleasant things...)