Why Dinosaurs Are Really Extinct, Part 2: Killer Icicles
Archie: "So I go, 'Knock those icicles down. It'll take 5 seconds.' And Rex goes, 'They'll melt soon.'"
Ad Nauseum..."How to Buy A Suit..."
G'day, I'm Nat and I disapprove of everything. I especially disapprove of this ad. The formula to buy a suit ("Go to a reliable store and ask for a brand you can trust.") makes me want to shake the Ad Men. They're just not trying very hard here AND what is a reliable store and who can I really trust? Also: What the heck is up with that gal behind the counter? Is she a Perfume Nurse? Is she a nun? Why is she hiding? Lemme tell you: With that gal, this is not a reliable store that I can really trust.
Ad Nauseum..."The Simple Foods of War..."
Penrose's Prime Takeaway From This Ad: "It's War: Get Drunk." Buy some beans, put them in a pot, then get as drunk as you can and maintain it until the war is over (and buy bonds).
Ad Nauseum..."For MEN Only"
Ahoy, there! Cappy here...getting sloshed up here with the befuddled Handmaidens of He-Men Soup. These soups are "For Men Only," and that means hands-off for the gals. So how do they heat it up for their menfolk? One more thought: The Ad Men of CampbellsTM must have been tired when they wrote this ad. I mean: "Beef! Beef! Beef!" "Everybody Likes Chicken!" "Another Grand Meat-Stock Soup!" These are the words of Ad Men who have run out of adjectives.
The Dormeyer Power Chef
This is my great-aunt's Dormeyer Power Chef mixer. Which great-aunt? The tall great-aunt who didn't swear like a sailor like the other great-aunt!
I assumed ownership of the Dormeyer Power Chef mixer; my great-aunt no longer needs it. It works really well and I like the way it looks. The first thing I found out about the Dormeyer Power Chef is that it's kind of fun to read the list of its functions* out loud, really fast, emphasizing the first syllable of each word (it was a quiet day, what can I say):
Juicing
Beating
Beating
Creaming
Beating
Mixing
Whipping
Mixing
Mashing
Adding
The second thing I found out about the Dormeyer Power Chef involved myself. Once again, I realized that I can't leave words alone. I looked at the list and I thought, "Okay, I understand that there are different kinds of beating and mixing, but redundancy is a real problem here. Couldn't they have taken the time to substitute appropriate synonyms or more descriptive terms?"
Yet, quite quickly I had to concede that "...the list has a nice momentum and sense of urgency, despite its obvious repetitiveness--or perhaps even because of it. In a literary sense, a rough form of poetry emerges--a small, fierce word storm fills the room....The ten-word gerund rocket [I made that term up just 'cause I could] creates an epic juggernaut of batter-blending intensity..." (It was a very slow day.) For example, let's use a ten-word gerund rocket to capture a temper tantrum:
Pouting
Stomping
Stomping
Moaning
Stomping
Kicking
Howling
Kicking
Wailing
Flailing
Once I had accepted the list as rough poetry, however, I found that I still had a few quibbles. As I worked on the temper tantrum experiment, I found that it was hard to get the perfect last couple of words to land the gerund rocket neatly and with force. Uneasily, I fell back on rhyming--as shown above. This gerund rocket challenge is also evident in the original list shown above. After building up a certain amount of dramatic tension ("Beating Beating Creaming Mixing Whipping"), the list collapses weakly with "Mashing" and "Adding"--a definite anti-climax. I decided that the Dormeyer people should have tweaked those last two words:
Juicing
Beating
Beating
Creaming
Beating
Mixing
Whipping
Mixing
BOWL SCOOTS OFF TABLE! BEATERS SPRAY BATTER EVERYWHERE! SPRAYING! SPRAYING! BAKER DOWN! BAKER DOWN! CALL 911! CASUALTIES! REPEAT! CASUALTIES!
Cleaning
Wiping
As you can see, I felt I had to resort to petty sensationalism to land the gerund rocket.
The Dormeyer Power Chef: A heckuva machine.
The Gerund Rocket: A heckuva literary challenge.
I assumed ownership of the Dormeyer Power Chef mixer; my great-aunt no longer needs it. It works really well and I like the way it looks. The first thing I found out about the Dormeyer Power Chef is that it's kind of fun to read the list of its functions* out loud, really fast, emphasizing the first syllable of each word (it was a quiet day, what can I say):Juicing
Beating
Beating
Creaming
Beating
Mixing
Whipping
Mixing
Mashing
Adding
The second thing I found out about the Dormeyer Power Chef involved myself. Once again, I realized that I can't leave words alone. I looked at the list and I thought, "Okay, I understand that there are different kinds of beating and mixing, but redundancy is a real problem here. Couldn't they have taken the time to substitute appropriate synonyms or more descriptive terms?"
Yet, quite quickly I had to concede that "...the list has a nice momentum and sense of urgency, despite its obvious repetitiveness--or perhaps even because of it. In a literary sense, a rough form of poetry emerges--a small, fierce word storm fills the room....The ten-word gerund rocket [I made that term up just 'cause I could] creates an epic juggernaut of batter-blending intensity..." (It was a very slow day.) For example, let's use a ten-word gerund rocket to capture a temper tantrum:
Pouting
Stomping
Stomping
Moaning
Stomping
Kicking
Howling
Kicking
Wailing
Flailing
Once I had accepted the list as rough poetry, however, I found that I still had a few quibbles. As I worked on the temper tantrum experiment, I found that it was hard to get the perfect last couple of words to land the gerund rocket neatly and with force. Uneasily, I fell back on rhyming--as shown above. This gerund rocket challenge is also evident in the original list shown above. After building up a certain amount of dramatic tension ("Beating Beating Creaming Mixing Whipping"), the list collapses weakly with "Mashing" and "Adding"--a definite anti-climax. I decided that the Dormeyer people should have tweaked those last two words:
Juicing
Beating
Beating
Creaming
Beating
Mixing
Whipping
Mixing
BOWL SCOOTS OFF TABLE! BEATERS SPRAY BATTER EVERYWHERE! SPRAYING! SPRAYING! BAKER DOWN! BAKER DOWN! CALL 911! CASUALTIES! REPEAT! CASUALTIES!
Cleaning
Wiping
As you can see, I felt I had to resort to petty sensationalism to land the gerund rocket.
The Dormeyer Power Chef: A heckuva machine.
The Gerund Rocket: A heckuva literary challenge.
Good Words!
Last week we talked about bad words, and this week we're talking about good words. Why are we posing with vintage cameras? Well, because they're damn good-looking and kinda extinct-y, like us. Nothing to do with the content of this post. Gratuitous Cameras. On to the good words!GOOD WORDS
1) Cozy.
2) Tasty.
3) Apparently I like words with "y" at the end? Anyway, here's one that doesn't have a "y" at the end: Barbara. I like "Barbara" because of a line in "Night of the Living Dead" that I like to use a lot, "They're com-ing to get you Bar-bar-a..." See, it works not JUST in this movie--which is a great movie--but for many menacing situations in life. Relationship trouble? Tough times at work? Life getting you down? "They're com-ing to get you Bar-bar-a..." will make you laugh (you kind of roll the rrrrrs in a spooky voice when you say "Bar-bar-a"). Either that or my friends are humoring me--which is very likely--but they're laughing anyway, which is all that matters.
4) Calliope. Dunno why. It's kind of perky. WAIT! Perky is a "y" word. Hmm.
5) Sassy. (Another "y" word...what is this?)
6) Frisky. (I give up, I guess I have a "y" fetish. Who knew?)
7) Crisp. (Well, sure, you could tack a "y" on the end of that one, too, but I like the final "p" sound. Cris-P.)
8) Mol-ten La-va. I dunno--I just like to say that. Mol-ten La-va.
9) Magooin'*...because I came up with it. As in "fumble through life like Mr. Magoo." Upon reflection, I spend 99% of my life Magooin' around the landscape--one way or another.
10) Sparkly.* (Geez. I need a 12-step program to get over this addiction to words with "y" at the end, huh? And: This has nothing to do with my nom de blog and everything to do with rhinestones. Sparkly. Sparkly. Sparkly. I like.)
11) Tantamount. Okay, this is kind of a "stunt" word. It's a longy, but it's fun to jump down hard on each part of the word, "That price is tan-ta-mount to highway robbery." It's kind of like bouncing on a bed. Tan-ta-mount.
12) Just for flow, I like words with lots of "l's" in them. Alluvial.
*Okay, a few more of these "y" words and I'll have assembled the New Seven Dwarfs.
Ad Nauseum...New white Ipana with WD-40! Oops...I Mean WD-9
Top Takeaways from this Final Entry in the Ad Nauseum Series:
1) White toothpaste is always a good idea; I don't think dark gray or brown toothpaste would sell. Points for Ipana!
2) Is WD-9 actually WD-40? Zero points for Ipana if this is the case.
3) Okay, no...WD-9 is "Sodium Lauryl Sulfate." Points for Ipana for not being made out of WD-40!
4) Oh, crap. "Sodium Lauryl Sulfate" might not be much better than brushing with WD-40. Points removed from Ipana!
5) Bonus Question: Is that little boy in the background casually drinking a cup of coffee? 40 points for the little boy if this is the case.
1) White toothpaste is always a good idea; I don't think dark gray or brown toothpaste would sell. Points for Ipana!
2) Is WD-9 actually WD-40? Zero points for Ipana if this is the case.
3) Okay, no...WD-9 is "Sodium Lauryl Sulfate." Points for Ipana for not being made out of WD-40!
4) Oh, crap. "Sodium Lauryl Sulfate" might not be much better than brushing with WD-40. Points removed from Ipana!
5) Bonus Question: Is that little boy in the background casually drinking a cup of coffee? 40 points for the little boy if this is the case.
Ad Nauseum..."Your Hair Is Romance"
Top Takeaways:
1) When you use White Rain, parrots hit on you...
2) ...and you don't mind because your hair is sunshine bright!
3) Using White Rain shrinks you down into a tiny little woman creature...
4)...but it's okay because you get a neat tiny umbrella, which will keep you from drowning if the giant shampoo bottle spills!
1) When you use White Rain, parrots hit on you...
2) ...and you don't mind because your hair is sunshine bright!
3) Using White Rain shrinks you down into a tiny little woman creature...
4)...but it's okay because you get a neat tiny umbrella, which will keep you from drowning if the giant shampoo bottle spills!
A Devilishly Wild Google Ride: Korea to Memory Lane to Venezuela to ???
The Google Ride Launchpad: Korea
Last night, I was visiting my elderly neighbor and he said the following: "They told me I was going to go to the devil. So, I looked them in the eye and I said, 'I met the devil, in Korea, and let me tell you that I'm on a first name basis with him and he ain't all he's cracked up to be.'"
The Side Trip to Memory Lane
Whoa! I only wish that I could use that line. As I definitely won't be able to, I thought about this thing my grandmother used to say: "And the devil take the hindermost!" I always figured it meant something like "I'm doing this, and I don't care what anyone else thinks!" But, I googled it to see what was doin'.
The First Google
Pretty quickly, I found out that "And the devil take the hindermost!" confuses English language learners. Here's a question in a forum that kinda made me laugh: "Hello, I am reading a horoscope book which is about Aries. Then I came across the sentence as below. 'One can't help being reminded of a certain impulsive ram, Nikita Krushchev, who once banged his hoe in a fit of childish temper, on a table at the United Nations, in full view of a television audience, and the devil-take-the-hindermost.' I have no clue what the devil-take-the-hindermost. My dictionary does not help me at all. Will someone help me, please?"
First: I'm pretty sure Kruschev banged his shoe, but somehow it's better to think of him banging his hoe. Second, I sort of wish the English language learner was reading a different book--this one is bound to be old and include words like "hepcat." Anyhoo: The definition is: "without caring for the consequences" which is close enough to "And I don't care what anyone else thinks!"
The Second Google
Something about "the devil" and "hindermost" made me think about Underwood Devil Spread. Oh...yeahhhhhh. I used to eat this stuff--possibly just because there was a little cartoon guy on the label. And I thought, "I wanna see the little cartoon guy...I wanna see him NOW!" so I did a google image search. And...No! This guy didn't look right! His little arms are outstretched! (Something that also ain't right: Doing what this ad suggests and making a sandwich with Underwood Deviled HamTM and shredded pineapple.)
Blargh! No! His arms are stretched out again--he's looking like Ethel Merman...Also: "Taste the taste" is a pretty lame slogan, as is this little rhyme I found in a quick side search: "Only one good devil in the world. Its the devil on a can and the can is a can of Underwood Deviled Ham." Insufficiently catchy. Let's move on.
Okay, the slogan is a little more imaginative here: "It is branded with the devil, but fit for the gods." But, I'm not sure I would have ever eaten a deviled ham sandwich if I saw this picture of this GUY in a can of the stuff--with what appears to be a disgruntled onlooker pig.
Then, hold the presses, THIS came up! I had to track this down to the source...
...which turned out to be the General Mills Web site--specifically the marketing department in Venezuela. Apparently, "Diablitos Underwood deviled ham–found in nine of 10 Venezuelan homes–is just one of many brands that contribute to the success of General Mills Venezuela...Many Venezuelan children enjoy a breakfast of Diablitos Underwood deviled ham with arepas, a bread made of precooked corn flour. This high-quality, traditional product maintains a leading share of the country's meat spreads market."
You know, I never even suspected there was such a thing as a "country's meat spreads market." It's a thing! Also: I did not know that Diablitos Underwood deviled ham was a traditional product in Venezula...Come to think of it, what IS a "traditional product"? Oh, those marketing ninjas...they get my head to spinning. Tired from this wild ride...must go lie down with a traditional blanket and pillow.
Last night, I was visiting my elderly neighbor and he said the following: "They told me I was going to go to the devil. So, I looked them in the eye and I said, 'I met the devil, in Korea, and let me tell you that I'm on a first name basis with him and he ain't all he's cracked up to be.'"
The Side Trip to Memory Lane
Whoa! I only wish that I could use that line. As I definitely won't be able to, I thought about this thing my grandmother used to say: "And the devil take the hindermost!" I always figured it meant something like "I'm doing this, and I don't care what anyone else thinks!" But, I googled it to see what was doin'.
The First Google
Pretty quickly, I found out that "And the devil take the hindermost!" confuses English language learners. Here's a question in a forum that kinda made me laugh: "Hello, I am reading a horoscope book which is about Aries. Then I came across the sentence as below. 'One can't help being reminded of a certain impulsive ram, Nikita Krushchev, who once banged his hoe in a fit of childish temper, on a table at the United Nations, in full view of a television audience, and the devil-take-the-hindermost.' I have no clue what the devil-take-the-hindermost. My dictionary does not help me at all. Will someone help me, please?"
First: I'm pretty sure Kruschev banged his shoe, but somehow it's better to think of him banging his hoe. Second, I sort of wish the English language learner was reading a different book--this one is bound to be old and include words like "hepcat." Anyhoo: The definition is: "without caring for the consequences" which is close enough to "And I don't care what anyone else thinks!"
The Second Google
Something about "the devil" and "hindermost" made me think about Underwood Devil Spread. Oh...yeahhhhhh. I used to eat this stuff--possibly just because there was a little cartoon guy on the label. And I thought, "I wanna see the little cartoon guy...I wanna see him NOW!" so I did a google image search. And...No! This guy didn't look right! His little arms are outstretched! (Something that also ain't right: Doing what this ad suggests and making a sandwich with Underwood Deviled HamTM and shredded pineapple.)
Blargh! No! His arms are stretched out again--he's looking like Ethel Merman...Also: "Taste the taste" is a pretty lame slogan, as is this little rhyme I found in a quick side search: "Only one good devil in the world. Its the devil on a can and the can is a can of Underwood Deviled Ham." Insufficiently catchy. Let's move on.
Okay, the slogan is a little more imaginative here: "It is branded with the devil, but fit for the gods." But, I'm not sure I would have ever eaten a deviled ham sandwich if I saw this picture of this GUY in a can of the stuff--with what appears to be a disgruntled onlooker pig.
Then, hold the presses, THIS came up! I had to track this down to the source...
...which turned out to be the General Mills Web site--specifically the marketing department in Venezuela. Apparently, "Diablitos Underwood deviled ham–found in nine of 10 Venezuelan homes–is just one of many brands that contribute to the success of General Mills Venezuela...Many Venezuelan children enjoy a breakfast of Diablitos Underwood deviled ham with arepas, a bread made of precooked corn flour. This high-quality, traditional product maintains a leading share of the country's meat spreads market."You know, I never even suspected there was such a thing as a "country's meat spreads market." It's a thing! Also: I did not know that Diablitos Underwood deviled ham was a traditional product in Venezula...Come to think of it, what IS a "traditional product"? Oh, those marketing ninjas...they get my head to spinning. Tired from this wild ride...must go lie down with a traditional blanket and pillow.
Ad Nauseum...PRUNES!
Top Takeaway: Prunes give you wicked bad jaundice. The yellow from the box spreads to your face!
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